I hear about people’s escapades after they put kids to bed, but how do they do it? My friend asks. I mean, isn’t it loud?
Good question. For anyone curious how to make it work, for anyone who struggles with this and wonders who the ‘successful’ people do it— well, I don’t wonder anymore. These are based on my experience and I really think most else— the, I have great sex every night and my family life is just fine!— is mostly bullshit. Like Facebook photos of happy couples that get divorced two weeks later. Sure. Everything just collapsed in one day.
Here’s what I’ve found:
- Parents just don’t have a sex life. They give it up for the twenty years until the kid leaves the house at 18 (Assuming your kid DOES move out at 18. I dunno, I guess after that, it’s on them if they hear your sex noises.)
Or maybe they do. Sometimes it works. Sort of.
- Taking off your pants— when the INTENT is to do something about it once said pants are removed— and putting them back on counts. You gotta take the wins when you get them.
- A boob squeeze when nobody is looking counts.
- Hotel bathrooms are probably sound proof. Just try not to smack your face on the sink and cry out in pain (no, never done it, but still one should probably be careful). Yelling out in pain is likely to wake someone up.
- I’m honestly not a big fan of car sex, but it works.
- Nobody knows you’re on FetLife if the screen is turned away. Say that you’re working and can’t be disturbed. Maintain a composed, serious, “I’m definitely analyzing this spreadsheet” look.
- Sound proof your bedroom with these. And while you’re at it, you might as well set up the St Andrew’s Cross in the corner and call it “art.” Paint it some nice, earthy color to be subtle. Or bright pink.
- Great parents make sure that kids have sleepovers at their grandparents’ home. I mean, you gotta make sure they see the grandkids they begged for, yes? Like, one night a week? Or two?
- Or sleepovers at friends’ homes. Yes, that means that you have to take their kids, too, in exchange. But as long as you have three kids in the house, what’s four or five? Compartamentalize your life and give yourself a few kid free hours.
- You know, some people say having a pet is just like having a kid. And you can put them in the laundry room. (I’m being legitimately serious here.)