open letter to the married man i haven’t yet rejected, an

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To the married man to whom I will one day say “no,”

Thinking on the wonderful love between the Professor, Wonder Woman, and the Wife, I thought about how troublesome it can be for couples to find their magical unicorn. Alas, dear married man, that I am about to reject, it isn’t so easy for you. And a lot more women will likely reject you, too. Why don’t we all save ourselves some time and effort, and I’ll just write a nice rejection letter than anyone can use?

A few of you deserve custom breakup notes, yes, but for the majority, frankly, my reasons for rejecting you can more or less be covered with the following:

I did not reject you, because
  • You referred to me as “female.”  I am female.
  • I need to be the FIRST primary. I already have that, not that it means that much to me, but I do. I am not so self absorbed that I need to be your very first love, too. Not just first love, no, but the first woman with whom you made a commitment to share a life together.
  • I have no chance of being a primary of yours, whether or not I was your “first.” I have plenty of non primary relationships in my life that are very fulfilling and loving. I don’t believe a relationship must be primary in order to be valuable.
  • And, NO, I did not reject you because I felt threatened by your wife.  I have no reason to be scared of her.   Your telling me this makes me curious if YOU think she’s terrifying- but, don’t worry, I’ll just assume this was simply a miscommunication on your part. I am sure she is warm and lovely.

As a matter of fact, I adore how you speak of your wife.  I hate when someone dumps about their spouse to me, as if I will feel flattered or sympathetic.  I love that you love her. But– there is a difference about freely gushing about your awesome partnership with her and making it clear that she is the only one of any importance to you, now and forever. That’s just not how I operate. I don’t only have one important love, and I don’t want that. I don’t mind being one of many, but I don’t want to be in your true love’s shadow, either.

It makes me wonder what you are even doing with me.

This is why I am telling you no.

You have made it clear, in your words, or your actions, that you do not put any value on time with anyone but your spouse. Oh, you might not callously use and discard me, like some unicorn hunters. You might treat me like a human being worthy of basic courtesy.

You might even not cancel our dates at the last minute, because, “your wife had a hard day at work and she doesn’t want me to go out.” You might not tell me that’s just what to expect from a married man, as some might do.

You gush about how polyamorous you are– and I’ve heard all this before. I also know what comes next. You say to your friends- where I can hear you- that She is the only one for you. You aren’t talking about me, nor do I particularly want to be the woman for whom you left your wife.

I don’t really know what to make of it. What you’re saying. How you feel. You’re happy, though, and I’m happy for you.

But I’m not going to prioritize starting something casual without some chance of a future. 

I’ll do it, if it’s convenient. But I’m not going to go out of my way.  And you are rather out of my way.

I wish you the best of luck.  But I’m tired of playing games. Stop pretending you are something you are not to get a few hours of my time and a few nights in my bed. We, awesomely proud slutty women, are dying to say yes to a night of fun, just be honest! Or if you want a relationship, say so. But that means more than just being nice to me and valuing my time.

Just tell me what you want, and I might want it, too.



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