why it’s okay for polyamory to -sometimes- be about sex

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Not only sex. But involving sex.

“Polyamory isn’t about sex! It’s about love!” A common cry from the polyamorous communities. I completely understand where they are coming from, as well. People in poly relationships are sick of being told how their relationships are just about sex; that they can only have multiple sexual relationships; that only one can be a deep, emotional relationship.

A romantic relationship should not be qualified by the amount or quality of the sexual intimacy; after all, one can be asexual and still be polyamorous.  As someone who always wondered if she was aromantic, it is also possible to be attracted to the polyamorous life without subscribing to typical “romantic” behaviors and beliefs.

But it is true that Sex has specific and real “consequences” that are different than other aspects of a Committed Relationship (i.e. a Romantic Relationship).

I am not fond of rules in relationships.  But the one “rule” my master and I share is this:  All sex with partners who are not fully fluid bonded in our inner circle must use barriers.  Any form of sex.  I am, in that sense, monogamous when it comes to unprotected sex.  Only my closed circle might be three people, not two.  But that’s really mincing hairs.  Because sex involves physical risks that have long term consequences.  Such as pregnancy.  These are not inconsequential.  

So when it comes to defining Relationships, I’m actually not opposed to it being..somewhat..about sex.

After all, that’s how we’ve defined monogamy.  It’s about their sexual relationships, otherwise they wouldn’t be monogamous.  They’d be non monogamous, if they had other sexual relationships.  At least, last time I checked.

So when I say, “Polyamorous people have many loves,” yes, I generally mean many loving, sexual relationships (understanding that I’m still conflicted on using “polyamory” as a philosophy or a relationship style).  Or at least relationships where sex is allowed to happen, whether it does or not.

When it comes to talking about Polyamory, we’re often referring specifically to their multiple sexual, romantic relationships.  And that’s okay.

I don’t want to be afraid of the fact that sex is important to me in my life and in my romantic relationships, though not a requirement. I don’t want to pretend that it isn’t important, as important as any other feeling I desire that makes up the emotion I call “love.” And I don’t want to pretend that this doesn’t hold true for many other polyamorous folk.

I also am not particularly interested in managing friendships, and other non sexual relationships (if you buy that you friendship is defined by lack of sex). It’s bad enough some days that I have to deal with rules and such when it comes to my romances (though I understand why and want the same courtesies given to me, but sometimes I just want a relationship where there’s no worries and I can just do what I want, when I please, just as they do towards me).

So I might leave off the judgmental attitude that polyamory isn’t just sex for another reason. Saying that polyamory is “more” than “just” sex, implies that if you are in a lot of sexual relationships without emotion that what you have is “less.” Let’s stop with that, no?

I think acknowledging that “Polyamory IS (often) About Sex” strengthens non sexual relationships.

I love that my friendships can be deeper than they’ve ever been before– because I’m not held back in developing close relationships with others, simply because I’m dating a person (or two…or three…)

But, now, even if I returned to monogamy, I would never return to monoamory. I couldn’t stop being loving with my friends. I couldn’t do the jealous, possessive kind of monogamy that I now find toxic. The idea that having close emotional connections to other people is threatening? Nope. Never doing that again. Don’t think anyone should, either.

Polyamory is about love, but, also, sometimes Sex.

I think the world would be better off if we had more love. And that doesn’t need to be restricted to a simple label of “polyamory.”

But this whole nonsense of pretending that our poly partners aren’t generally the ones we’re taking to bed? It’s silly. Sex, romance, love, it all gets twisted up. Which is perfectly okay.

We’ve got plenty of loving relationships to which we don’t have Commitments attached.

And that’s my crazy opinion.

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