how to avoid a cheater

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I’m tired of articles on cheaters.

I’ll wait for the shocked gasps to subside, but it’s the truth. It isn’t so much that I think it’s a good thing, but it’s somehow become the worst crime, surpassing neglect or abuse. “I’ll forgive anything, except cheating.”  Heard that time and time again.

Worse, it ignores other serious violations, allowing someone who is breaking far worse ethical codes to feel superior because “they aren’t cheating.”  Great. They may be the one who neglects their spouse, the childcare/stays away from home all the time/burns through the family’s disposable income/drinks too much/nags and belittles the other’s work and accomplishments— but when their spouse ends up emotionally connecting and even sleeping with the person that DOES make them feel valuable, it’s the “cheater” that is the bad guy. Both are at fault, but I put the bulk of the blame on the abuser/neglector.

And is sex the only thing that matters in a relationship? Cheating, again traditionally speaking, is ONLY sex (or sexual intimacy) with another person. Why shouldn’t lying be the accusation, if, as the person often claims, “It’s not the act that bothers me, it’s the lie”? Why shouldn’t someone lying about how much money you’re spending be equal in weight to lying about flirting with that girl at the bar?

“Cheating,” frankly, makes no sense to me. 

If I cheat in Monopoly, and steal some extra Monopoly money, I might win via unfair advantage.  If you cheat on me, what do you win?  A sense of overwhelming guilt and frustration at your inability to freely see the person you might actually have feelings for, even love?  How is that getting ahead? See, the funny thing is, if you’re cheating on me successfully, I don’t know. So I’m not actually losing anything. And if you tell me or I find out, I’ll simply say, Cool. See you around. And that’ll be that for the relationship. Because I don’t play stupid games in my relationships. If you do, you’re not the one(s) for me. 

But, still, I don’t care to be around liars. There are people who lie.  There are people who cheat at life.  Who try to scam their customer, their boss.  And, yes, they’ll “cheat” in relationships, because they -think- they’re winning.   Somehow. And maybe you’d like to learn how to avoid those people, too, and stop getting cheated on (at least as much).

6 Tips To Avoid Being Cheated On

Don’t give away my secrets, but these tips work pretty well!

  1. Don’t tolerate liars.  I can’t count the number of times someone posts about being cheated on…and then it comes out that the person who cheated lied about finances, work, etc.  If someone will lie to you, consistently, what on earth makes you think they won’t lie about sleeping with someone else? Just because it doesn’t hurt your ego the same way doesn’t mean it’s okay behavior.
  2. Don’t tolerate neglect, not in life and not in bed.  I’ve heard countless times that a person cheated..and also was never home, never showed their partner affection, never wanted to do anything sexual.  Now, it’s very possible that you are with someone who is more ace, more aro.  Okay.  That is NOT neglect.  That is who they are.  You know if they are asexual, or if they have suddenly lost interest in sex with you.  Because than that same person posts how they then found out their lover was having sex…just not with them.
  3. Talk about what you want, what you might want, especially how they would feel about you being intimate and/or loving another person.  Could they see themselves with two husbands?  Ask them straight up if they want monogamy- and don’t let them feel that you are forcing monogamy on them.  Monogamy and non monogamy alike are choices one makes for themselves (and you can be in a mixed style relationship, i.e. mono/hotwife, mono/poly.) Don’t let them say, “Oh, that’s crazy” and push it off.  Make them think about it.  About anything. Let them know if their wants change, that you want to know about it, rather than them hiding it from you.
  4. Meet your partner(s)’ needs. Shocking, but yes, if you convince someone to be with you, you know, actually be there for them. Stop manipulating your partner into saying they’ll give up needs that have always been important to them. Met someone with a high libido? Don’t try to get them to settle for less sex, “because that’s just what happens in relationships, the romance dies down.” Don’t push them to forgot about their kinky side, because, “you know that’s just weird, right? Nobody will do that with you.” (Hint: when they find a cute girl/guy that is into that thing, they might find out you are wrong.) Help them fulfill what is meaningful to them in relationship, just as much as you ask for your own needs to be met.
  5. Don’t punish honesty.  Women, and men, too!, have taken away their partner’s social standing, friends, even kids, over them suggesting they might want to be with another person intimately.  Over actually being honest. Don’t even punish honesty in the little things.  Don’t ask, “Does this dress make me look fat?” and then yell at them when the answer is, “Yes.”  Just don’t do any of that.  Don’t even let them think they might be punished.  Explictly and consistently tell them that they can tell you anything, and show them that you understand. Share your own hidden secrets; make yourself as vulnerable to them as you want them to be with you.
  6. Date people who are self aware.  People without self awareness might cheat on you without even realizing it, or allowing themselves to realize it.  They can’t stop a behavior if they don’t know they’re acting on a behavior.  Please don’t try to change them, unless you like banging your head on walls.
  7. Raise your standards in dating– or just have standards.  Yes, there are very good people who cheat and lie.  I honestly don’t know many of them.  At that point, it’s just bad luck.  Which happens.  But it’s easier to not get wet when you don’t jump into a pool, right?

If you STILL get cheated on, stop blaming monogamy/polyamory/ drugs/life.  Some people just like to cheat.  I know at least one person in my life who, if I let them, would lie and cheat on me all day long.  We all do. Let’s stop enabling their poor choices. If they have nobody to lie to, they can’t lie as often.

If I date someone who says, “If you date me, I’ll XYZ,” and I say, “Don’t,” and they say, “I’ll do it anyway,” and then I date them– it’s technically their fault for violating my consent.  But I’m not exactly walking into an unknown, either.  So once I learn that is what a person is like, I let them go. Let them do their thing— just without you.

And that, dear sir or lady, is how you stop wasting -as much- of your time.

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