“What about this theory: the fear of not being enough and the fear of being ‘too much’ are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.” – Nayyirah Waheed
As I sit and begin to wake up this morning (no, too early for me for coffee or any solid food), I come across this quote. It’s probably true, too, whatever way we swing on the pendulum. Some of us worry about not being enough. Others about being too overwhelming. Some of us manage both at once!
I am not afraid of being me.
I’m…annoyed some days. I wish I knew more. Could adult better. Could do anything better! I’m peeved by the little pain in my finger, or the ever so slight off feeling under my left breast, or the chronic pains in the rest of my otherwise quite lovely body.
But I am not afraid. I complain about myself, yes. I neg my own qualities. I’m not good enough/strong enough/smart enough/pretty enough/whatever enough. I am trying to be better at this, but I slip up. A lot.
Because, you see, that really is the secret of life.
You do well, you mess up. You get something oh so perfectly; and then you totally lose it. Life is a series of problems. You solve some, you don’t solve others. There’s another quote, attributed to Winston Churchill,
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
I believe that I am doing my best.
Sure, some will hold your failures against you for the rest of your life (no, they really will!). Some will, conversely, hold your successes as your end all and be all. The latter are kinder, but both, ultimately, are just as wrong.
So, this morning, I’ll remember this. I’ll think about just how good a friend I was the other day. What a perfect mommy I was when kid was scared and upset yesterday. How I didn’t lose my cool once.
Because some days I mess up. The day before I had, just a little, and the kid started crying because they thought they were such a bad person for breaking something of mine).
But yesterday, I didn’t mess up.
Yesterday, I was perfect. I won’t be perfect everyday. I am going to try to be, today, because it’s nice to be on a roll. I will do my chores; do my work; figure out a few puzzle pieces; make a perfect dinner; get everyone to bed; make sure master is taken care of before falling asleep (goddamn it, I didn’t do THAT this morning, oh, well, streak over! But the REST of the day I will be perfect!)
…so I guess what I’m saying is I’m okay. And so are you 🙂