closer look at jealousy, by a very overly confident kitten, a

Jealousy is normal.

Of course it is, why wouldn’t it be in a world where jealousy is taught to us from the earliest ages. When everything around us is a competition. When we’re taught we need to be someone’s possession above all else, and they must be ours. I am his, and he is mine. A sentiment built into every moment of our lives.

We’re fucking CONDITIONED to be jealous and fight amongst each other. We’re tossed a SINGLE bouquet of flowers as a good luck charm to be the NEXT lucky bride…and meanwhile, I’m back in the hotel suite fucking the maid of honor while the rest of the girls butt heads and claw each other in a mindless fight to claim the prize. (Okay, this never happened, but it’s literally my top fantasy now)

Naturally, people wonder when I say I don’t really feel jealousy.

Truth is I am capable of it. I acted jealously once. I never thought that would be me. But pushed in the right ways? I learned that I, too, am capable of this emotion. It’s not about me, really, or about us. And I hated how I felt the whole time. I regret losing control like that. It’s not me.

Some people say jealousy isn’t “real.” What they mean by it is that it isn’t real in and of itself, but indicative of a plethora of other emotions. Which is absolutely true.

Anyone is capable of a provocation, initiated by previous emotions and actions. I am as guilty of this as anyone.

What I don’t feel is sexual ownership.

It’s not that I am never jealous, but it rarely happens. The last time was when I was insecure in a relationship. I haven’t been insecure with a partner in quite a while, because it’s nice not to bother with relationships where I’m not sure of how the person feels about me. I don’t know what possessed me to do it any other way, to be honest. And I don’t feel the other thing that is tied to jealousy; sexual ownership.

You know how people don’t usually talk about jealousy in terms of friendships? It’s always romantic situations, right? “My” boyfriend, “my” wife, my, my, my. I call my master “mine,” but somehow that never translated to me “owning” him in my mind. He shared himself with me; as I did with him (yes, we have an M/s relationship, but that is a negotiated dynamic and he respects my autonomy in the way I need). Doesn’t really occur to me to be mad that he is with someone else, because why shouldn’t he if he wants to? It’s not like I’m afraid he’s not coming back.

I can’t really imagine him leaving me, but I have had people leave me before. I’m usually happy for them. Especially since half the time I set them up with that person. Sure, I hoped it wouldn’t mean leaving me behind. Not ecstatic about that part of it. But that doesn’t discount my feelings. If they cheated? I am grateful some other loser was willing to take out my trash. If they stay? Then they are lucky to have me. At least, that is how I feel about them. I am lucky to have them, too.

I suppose I am rather arrogant.

But I am happy, so are my partners. We know we are brilliant, amazing, beautiful people. My master being with others only reminds me how much more he loves and desires me. He could be with anyone, but he chooses to spend most of his time with me. Kinda awesome, no?

And please don’t try to make me feel jealous. It won’t work. It’ll only irritate me, because it’ll feel like you’re playing games. And I hate playing stupid games. You see, I’m not merely arrogant.

I am fucking Daenerys Targaryen.

“You know what kept me standing…? Faith. Not in any gods. Not in myths and legends. In myself.”

I try to be a good, proper girl. But the truth is I listened to all those motivational poster sayings and went, “Yeah, I AM that good!” Jealous? Of what?

I love myself. I love what I am. I love every little bit of how my mind and body works (aside from the chronic pain and anxiety). I feel like I’m perfect. Not for my partners, not for anyone else. For ME.

Anyone who would choose another OVER me? Their loss. And anyone who would choose to be WITH me? Well, clearly they are so awesome that why wouldn’t others fall for them, too? Who am I to stand in the way of their happiness, since they are doing everything (or at least a great deal) to contribute to mine?

You can accept that, or you can not. After all, it’s none of my business.

Enjoy your life, I’ll enjoy mine!


(Thanks to His_slinka on Fetlife for encouraging me to share this! And, please share your own stories of jealousy; how it works for you; if you feel it, if you don’t; or even if you LIKE and encourage the feeling; we’re all different!)

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