I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like I’m letting the people around me down. My master sees me intimately, each and every day. I want him to see the best of me. Of course that isn’t always achievable.
The littlest one had to get her Covid shot today (something she was very eager to get, and rather unconcerned about the pain). She’s been very communicative with me about being queer and thrilled when I told her I was dating and hoping to find a wonderful girlfriend.
She gets home from her shot. I went up to her. “Got a question for you,” I said. “Yeah?” “You know I want a girlfriend.” “Yep.” “What if I don’t find her? Will you be disappointed in me? Will you think I don’t really like women?” “No!,” she shrugs. “You can just be single. I’m going to be single, too, probably.” By single, she means unmarried. Even though I don’t know if theoretical future girlfriend wants marriage.
Once again, I’ve overthought it. She doesn’t need “proof” of my bisexuality. My word is enough for her. I don’t know if it’s because she cares about me, or because she knows I care about her. I just know it’s hard to disappoint the ones that love me.
Same with my mother, the other day. “You’re a good daughter,” she tells me as she’s driving me to my conference. “I’m not perfect, but I try,” I say. “You do amazing.” I have leaned on her time and time again the last few years. I wanted to be an adult and told myself I shouldn’t need my mother. But I do.
My master tells me the same. I won’t disappoint him, unless I give up. He does chastise me when I do– but it’s always short lived. When I pick myself up, he’s right there by me. I’ve never really disappointed him; but he knows that I sometimes need a check.
It is good to strive to please the ones you love. I would never tell anyone to take loved ones for granted, because, “Well, why not?” Love, for better or worse, is not unconditional (though that is not to say that mistakes will lose you their love).
But they also don’t need you to be perfect. To always be “successful.” Success, after all, is relative. What does it mean to be strong, successful, and worthy? In the eyes of my littlest one, I can do no wrong. But that isn’t because I cannot fail her. It is because she knows I’m always acting in good faith. That I’m trying. And I usually succeed.
That is enough.