Tonight, I made dinner for my partner and my oldest munchkin.
It’s not much, but it’s tasty and everyone likes it. But it’s not the food that matters. The oldest can find food for herself (though admittedly she’s not very good at it). So can my master. They are not helpless.
But, as I said, it’s not just the food. It’s the sitting down with family, sharing time together. Eating a home cooked meal of protein, veggies, and a starch. Creating traditions together, a family dinner, a movie night. I put some chocolates on the table for dessert. Kids think of it as “Christmas candy.”
I didn’t think having a family dinner mattered to them, at first. Once I said we were just going to eat at the kitchen island. The oldest’s face immediately fell, and I corrected, “Actually, let’s eat together at the table.” She perked up and moved her plate.
She needs me. So does he. Codependency isn’t always bad when it’s consensual and self aware.
Without me, they’d both get caught up in something else. Him, with work. Her, with schoolwork and scrolling on her phone. I help bring us together. I need to feel part of a family. They fulfill that for me. I hope I do that for them, too. I try.
But most people don’t need me. Some of them have no need of me at all, not even casual need, but a precious few…the ones that matter…want me in their lives. A mere fraction of the billions that populate this earth, to be sure. But those that want me, want me very much. Emotionally, physically, however, but they want me. And I want them.
It’s also lovely to be wanted, as well as needed.
Purely, without obligation. My chosen family, the ones who need me, they also want me. But it’s a different sort of feeling. A different sort of connection.
I never understood how those who wanted me could be seen as lesser than those who needed me. Less, yes. I share less with them than I do with my chosen family. With my partners, a term I do not use lightly here. Someone who has partnered with my entire life, my entire future.
But that “less” is rather intense, so it happens.
I see my best friend from my first home town, maybe three or four times a year. For a period of about three to four hours. She says she sees me more than her best friend that lives in the same town as her (I live halfway across the country). I pick a special treat for us, a restaurant I don’t normally splurge on. Because this is the very little time I have with her, I don’t want to blow it staring at each other’s phones!
But it’s different with my master. Sometimes, quite a fair amount actually, I am doing nothing more than curled up near him, while we watch a movie. Sometimes together, sometimes not. I can’t say, truthfully, which I like “more.”
I require both in my life.
I need people that need me, in a mutual sense, of course. People entwined into my life, as I am entwined in theirs. I need people that want me, purely because we desire to connect to each other.
I wish we could simply appreciate all our connections, for what they are, knowing just how much that means.
It’s rare enough, after all, to connect to another mind.