Tonight, I made dinner for my partner and my oldest munchkin.
It’s not much, but it’s tasty and everyone likes it. But it’s not the food that matters. The oldest can find food for herself (though admittedly she’s not very good at it). So can my master. They are not helpless.
But, as I said, it’s not just about the food. It’s sitting down with family, sharing time together. Eating a home cooked meal chosen carefully because she loves it. It’s about creating traditions together, a family dinner, a movie night. I put some chocolates on the table for dessert. Kids think of it as “Christmas candy,” so it’s a special candy. Only because they get it at Christmastime, though.
Funnily, I didn’t think having a family dinner mattered to them, at first. Once I said we were just going to eat at the kitchen island. The oldest’s face immediately fell, and I corrected, “Actually, let’s eat together at the table.” She perked up and moved her plate.
She needs me. So does my master. Codependency isn’t always bad when it’s consensual and self aware.
Without me, they wouldn’t eat dinner. Without me, they’d both get caught up in something else. Him, with work. Her, with schoolwork and scrolling on her phone. I help bring us together. I need to feel part of a family. They fulfill that for me. I hope I do that for them, too. I try.
But most people in my life don’t need me. Some of them have no need of me at all, not even casual need, but a precious few…the ones that matter…want me in their lives. A mere fraction of the billions that populate this earth, to be sure. But those that want me, want me very much. Emotionally, physically, however, but they want me. And I want them.
It’s lovely to be wanted, as well as needed.
Purely, without obligation. My chosen family, the ones who need me, they also want me. But it’s a different sort of feeling. A different sort of connection.
I never understood how those who wanted me could be seen as lesser than those who needed me. My friends are no less valuable than my family. My partner. I share less with them than I do with my chosen family. But so what?
That “less” is rather intense, as it turns out.
I see my best friend from my first home town, maybe three or four times a year. For a period of about three to four hours. She says she sees me more than her best friend that lives in the same town as her (I live halfway across the country). I pick a special treat for us, a restaurant I don’t normally splurge on. Because this is the very little time I have with her, I don’t want to blow it staring at each other’s phones!
Because it’s limited, it feels extra special when we do spend time together. Half the time I am doing nothing more than curled up next to my master, while we watch a movie. Why would I waste time like that with my best friend? I want to talk to her, because we haven’t talked in ages!
Wants, needs, both equally necessary.
I need to be with my master, silently savoring each other’s company. But also time with my friends that don’t need me at all, but just want me because I am that awesome! People entwined into my life, as I am entwined in theirs, but in so many different ways.
I wish we could simply appreciate all our connections, for what they are, knowing just how much that means. Whether we need them, or simply, and wonderfully, want them.
It’s rare enough, after all, to connect to another mind.
2 thoughts on “relationships that are wants, and the relationships that are needs, the”
I really like this perspective. I’m a person who thrives on collaborative relationships, whether family, friends, lovers. I want to be wanted by someone I want. and needed in the same way. I don’t see this as co-dependent. I see it as consensual and aware interdependence.
“I see it as consensual and aware interdependence.”
I am the sort of person who translates words in my head to fit the meaning of what the person is trying to say…but I really love how you phrased that! Mind if I steal it for future use?