my life as a “middle” (sort of)

I never thought I’d see myself as a little.

I even allowed others to encourage me to be dismissive of littles. Littles, brats, what could be worse? Nothing good could come of associating with that kind of person.

But as time went on, not only did I make friends with brats and littles, but I came to understand a further part of myself. In fact, I realized I wasn’t so different from them.

I may not be a little, but I thought, for a while that perhaps I had “little tendencies.”

I occasionally indulged in coloring, sometimes even actual paper and crayon coloring. I liked playing games that were designed for kids. I liked being around kids, often, more than adults (easier for me to have patience with kids!).

But it wasn’t remotely sexual for me. Not only in the sense of not involving penetrative sex or naked times. But not even in a fantasy or subspace kind of way. Nothing related to any sort of romantic partner, sexual or otherwise.

I didn’t have fantasies involving summer camps or talking to my crush in study hall. Instead, I kept hold of the child– or teenager– inside of me. I owned stuffed animals, but never played with them. So did teenagers that I knew. I did not want a Daddy. I did not want to lose myself in any headspace.

It felt different for me.

I just wanted to be able to regress into a comfortable place, as I felt necessary, without being judged. I wanted to be able to ask for “lovies” and “snuggles” and use very improper grammar if I felt like it. I wanted to feel safe within the protection of adults who I could trust to care for me.

Okay, fine. I was understanding my journey a little better. I kept the label “little tendencies,” to help clarify that I might, at times, act rather little-ish, but I still was not your little and never would be. You wanted that, go elsewhere.

Because I am not going to indulge your cravings to spank your little girl or sit around drinking cocoa and coloring pages while you, uh, do whatever daddies do. I mean, sure I could do it. I might even happen to do it once in a while. But it’s not something I am going to go out of my way to do.

But there was more to it. Because it never quite felt right to say “little” tendencies. I didn’t know why, precisely, but it felt…off.

Then my master suggested perhaps I had more “middle” tendencies than “little.” Which, as I found myself surrounded by literal middles (as in underage teenagers living in my home), made more and more sense. I found, in many ways, I was very, very much like the teenagers who were, well, teenaged. I don’t think I’ll ever not be that way, regardless of the numbers added to my own age.

I’ll never really grow up. Not like I see other adults do. But I associated far more with activities of teens than I did with very small children. Teens, after all, still very much have something of a child within them. But slightly more maturity and perspective. Like how I felt.

I’ll always get giddy with new crushes. Lose interest quickly, unless it becomes something much more, in which case I’ll stay loyal forever. Perhaps longer than I should. I don’t want to move out and care for myself. Could I? I guess. But the thought is scary and unwanted. I like that I do have my master, who helps ensure I take care of myself. Kisses me on the forehead and reminds me I am valuable in my own right.

Fortunately I am a useful sort of middle, sort of adult.

I’m always trying new things to help make life better for my loved ones. I’m always there to listen and support. I’m a wonderful assistant to nearly any project, I’ll be there for you at a moment’s notice!

But I also am not the sort to master much of anything, but rather connect to other adults who can do it with me. So most of the time I’m good enough– and sometimes I’m with someone who can help do it even better, like baking cookies.

Being a “middle” will never be a role or a kinky identity for me.

Please understand that, for some of us, seemingly kinky roles/identities can be wholly different in application. I am a sort of middle that isn’t necessarily accepted by vanilla culture; but doesn’t quite fit within kinky culture, either. I’d say it’s within my vanilla identity, in that it never leaves me in or out of the bedroom (even when I go out in public). Yet it’s usually too much for vanilla folk, so I only fully unleash this aspect of my personality around trusted, kinky folk who are fine with me. It’s an odd balance, and I need as much understanding and support as possible.

You see, for a while, I felt this meant something was wrong with me. That I should be able to be a fully functioning adult. But now I think this is who I am. I’ve found people who accept this, too.

Appreciate your listening!

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