no, i don’t want your husband: an explanation of ethical non monogamy

Breakup of couple with man and sad girlfriend outdoor. Divorce, couple, love, pain concept. By NDABCREATIVITY

Okay, he’s cute, sexy, whatever.

Have I thought about him? Maybe. I’m demi sexual in the sense that I need an emotional connection (even if it only exists in my silly little head), so I may not have any interest in yours…in particular. And you’ll probably never know. Flirting and general interest are generally defined by intent– and I am not the type to kiss and tell unless I think there’s a chance of something happening.

And I don’t want something to happen! Truly, I don’t. Have I fantasized about men without permission? Yes, I admit to that. But only that. As I’ve fantasized about women, too. Celebrities I’ll never meet. Friends I cannot see anything romantic happening between us.

The thing is, and I know this likely baffles you because you cannot understand why I wouldn’t desire him– I really don’t. I want him just the way I have him, in a completely fantastical way where I can combine him with all the best parts of Chris Hemsworth (dressed as Thor, naturally) and, I don’t know, all the other Marvel Chrises? Stupid and pointless? Sure. But it is what it is. I know if I find out what he is like, as a person, it will make him more real. I don’t want that. That’s yours.

…no, I don’t actually want him.

Besides, suppose I did? Either he wants me, and I stop wanting him. Or he doesn’t, and he stops wanting me (as a friend).

I’m going to lose all interest, even if he accepted my theoretical offer, because he’s no longer my idealized version of an idealized superhero actor. He’s another ordinary, boring cheating husband/boyfriend/partner. Why would I want that?

You see, there are amazing, wonderful, ETHICALLY non monogamous men in the world. Who offer their partners brilliant, fascinating lives. Who I could only dream of being good enough for. They are the reason– well, them and the beautiful, pretty, sexy, magnetic women I see around me– I strive every day to make myself good enough. They are worth it. Your husband simply isn’t, well, not for me. I don’t have enough time for them, let alone to seduce someone else’s husband and waste my time with drama and

So, no, I don’t want your husband. Not when I– and I apologize for this if it offends you– can do so, so much better than stealing a life that would never, ever be mine!

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