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All The Love

What It’s About:

A kitten wandering the world finds home, love, and happiness in submission. Join her on a journey of discovery as her affinity for strong men, beautiful women and yummy dessert inexorably leads to something more than a relationship.

“Submission takes many forms. Sometimes it’s strict, Gorean protocol. Sometimes it’s complicated “scenes” with rope, fire, wax, and an array of scary looking – particularly to the untrained eye – implements. It’s not always passive, but it’s not always complicated.

Sometimes it’s just eating a waffle with strawberry jam.”

She travels the full Tarot cycle only to learn that the most durable binds are ones she creates for herself.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

let’s get married, because i want a big party

Dear future wife or husband,

I want the party.

It’s not about starting the rest of our lives together.

We’re doing that right now. Every day is the rest of our lives together. Our lives aren’t going to start after the wedding. I’m not waiting until then. I want our lives starting together NOW. Not after a bunch of people buy us biscuit warmers and oven safe dishes from a registry.

It’s not about sharing our lives with our family.

We were doing that before. It’s not like our families suddenly materialized the day of the wedding. They were IN our lives and we knew each other’s families, because it’s normal to get to know someone’s family before committing one’s life to them.

It’s not to prove to people that we’re -really- in love.

I don’t care what they think. You know that I love you. Everyone who matters to me knows that I love you. I know you love me. Everyone who matters to you knows that you love me.

It’s not to make a lifetime commitment.

There’s no such thing. By the time we know it’s for a whole lifetime, we’re dead. But I’m making this commitment to you for today and for as long as I possibly know how. Maybe we live for a thousand years and grow tired of each other. I don’t want you staying with me a thousand more miserable years, because we shared a thousand good ones with me. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of you, nor do I think you’ll grow tired of me. But I’m not going to use my big, fun party to make an empty promise. Either you believe I’ll be with you long enough to be worth it, or you don’t. It’s as simple as that.

Your very loving future wife

Photo by from Pexels

mother’s day is bittersweet for me

I woke up. Showered. Came back to find the bed freshly made and the little pillows properly placed. I love clean sheets. I’m such a domestic, no? And on the pillow, on my side of the bed, is a card.

Now, I’ve never gotten a card for Mother’s Day before. But these days, I’m feeling more and more like a mother. I told little one that I needed to stop and get cards for my mother and grandmother when a Mother’s Day ad came on the radio. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Can we get cards for my mom for Mother’s Day and her birthday?” “Sure.” So we did, and we picked it out, and we made her siblings sign it.

But I guess that was enough to make her think, “Should we do something for [Kitten] for Mother’s Day, too?”

So she asked my partner, her dad, about it. What are we going to do for [Kitten]? I’m not sure, he said. She’s not exactly a mother, but– She is definitely a mother, she cried out indignantly, not realizing he was playing her and coaxing the answer out of her. He wanted it to come from her, not from him. Yeah, she’s a really good mom, said her brother. So they picked out a card, just right for me, and wrote a message, just for me.

I know how they feel about their mother. About this day. And it made me feel so good inside that they could put that aside and still make this a wonderful day for them and for me. They couldn’t be with me today, but they insisted on me texting them about their “dad’s news when I found out” so they could know my reaction. Because they wanted me to like it. And I loved it. And his mom bought me roses and caramels. And he made sure I had a lovely lunch and a restful afternoon. I couldn’t have asked for more.

But it didn’t make the hard feelings in my head any less hard. It just helped give me something good to balance the hard bits.

For all you mothers and daughters and sons for whom Mother’s Day is a painful day, I see you. I know how it can feel. I can’t say I know your exact pains, but I do know that what you feel is real and valid. And I hope you, too, have ways to sweeten the day. Children who love you. A mother who loves you, even if she didn’t give birth to you.

If this day, though, is tragic or painful, still, please know that it’s okay to feel the way you do. If you’ve lost a child or a mother, through betrayal or through the cold hard reality of time. Whatever it is, please know that you are not alone. And if the day holds joy for you and pain, that is okay, too. And if it only holds joy, I am glad for you.

Whatever you feel, I see you.

Photo by Soulful Pizza from Pexels

where have all the good (monogamous) doms gone?

It seems like monogamous submissive women are having an especially hard time finding a good dominant, monogamous man.

Maybe it was always difficult. But certainly, my single, vanilla female friends seemed to have an okay time finding a guy. Whereas I struggled finding a non monogamous guy who wasn’t awful. The tables seem to be flipped in the kink community. I see this question again and again,

Why aren’t there any good, monogamous Doms, anymore?

First, off, were there ever? If you listen to the kink community, most Doms are terrible. Insecure, jealous, inexperienced, demanding. By the way, this isn’t related to their sex or gender. Male, female, man, woman, non binary. Equally terrible across the board, frankly. Now, I’d say there were more good Doms than any community generally credits, but, still, there are probably more bad* than good** (*”What is bad?”**”What is good?” Let’s table that discussion, shall we?)

Okay, so now you isolated the few “good” dom(mes). Wonderful. Now, the best, most caring, most experienced, most loving of them know their value. Just like you do. You think the hot guys don’t know they have abs and can generally always find a girlfriend? They do, that’s why they’re so arrogant. Or haven’t you noticed? Which leads us to point #1.

1. Great dom(mes) know how hard it is to find a good dominant. Which means, unlike a good chunk of society, they don’t have to settle in order to not be single.

They don’t have to do anything. They don’t have to advertise. They don’t have to worry. And they certainly don’t have to go along with the default relationship structure in order to secure a partner (or two or three). They can, if it suits them. But they don’t have to be monogamous.

So, if you’re used to having 99% of guys you meet be monogamous, because, well, for some of them exclusivity and loyalty is all they’ve got, it can be rather shocking to have, say, 60% of guys be monogamous. Or less. And, hey, loyalty is a great quality, of course, but you can shockingly be loyal to more than one person! The great non mono dom(mes) usually have that ability, on top of everything else. And by the way, yes, time does count, which brings us to point #2. 

2. By 40, most of the really amazing dom(mes) have already made connections.

Because, you know, awesome. Honey attracts a lot of….honey. A lot of the best Doms, unsurprisingly, already have fucking mind blowing partners— so why would they abandon all of that for you? 

And if they haven’t found a great partner? Chances are it’s that they don’t want one. Not that they can’t find one. Because, you know, they have relationship skills. Which is part of being a great partner. So they know how to look and where to look. It’s not a lack of fantastic women (or other sex/genders) that’s the problem. There’s LOTS of amazing women for them to date! It’s a matter of selecting the few that are good enough for them.

3. Their logic and emotions often push them to remain non monogamous, against societal push to be monogamous.

One woman says, “I will give you everything. Choose me.” The other says, “I will give you everything, plus you can also find other women who give you everything. Because let’s be honest. I can’t actually give you everything. So whatever I can’t give you, you’ll have to give yourself.”  

Dating is risk. If either of you fall in love with another, the common wisdom is you have to leave the person for the other (or at the very least let an awesome person out of your life). And dating for a dom(me) into physical impact and edge play is already risky. This just introduces further risk.

S/he wants to know his/her submissive will stay with him/her…and there are less reasons for a non monogamous submissive to leave than a monogamous, as the non monogamous does not have to automatically leave if either of them have attraction, affection, or heaven forbid love, for another person. It’s true that the monogamous submissive could transition to non monogamy and not have to leave. But that generally comes with a lot of drama and complications (sorry, but it’s true).

4. Of course there are kinky, monogamous doms who just like monogamy, but are they good enough for you?

Because we like to compare. And if you’re comparing them to the dom with the multiple subs who is secure enough and disciplined enough to actually keep multiple subs loyal to them? That’s a tough comparison. Single mono Doms tend to be younger and therefore more inexperienced with less security to offer. (So do single poly Doms, but, again, if you meet that same Dom later in life, he’s still available, remember!).

The young, single mono dom is unlikely to have comparable financial and emotional security. Have learned how to be a good partner (most people do that after they’re actually with someone, because being in a relationship is always different than theoretically being with someone). They can’t travel, play, bring you to the best and most exciting play parties.  At least not at the same level.

And why wouldn’t you want someone just as good as your poly girlfriend?  Cause you are a good person, pretty, mono girl.  I can see it in you, even on the days that you can’t.

5. Those wanna be doms aren’t good enough for you, are they? 

Standards in the vanilla world are simply not as high as in the kinky world. You can argue that point with me, but I’ve seen what I’ve seen. And it just ruins most guys for most women I know. I’ve seen it happen.  A beautiful, friendly, kinky woman dates this guy that looks like SUCH the catch, but than the woman breaks up with him.  Because he’s “too vanilla.”

Remember, she can only have one lover. She can’t be happy with the sweet vanilla guy, perfect in every way, but will never treat her like the whore she deserves to be.

6. It’s okay to stay monogamous.  It’s just nothing special anymore. 

Being loyal and faithful used to be a big deal (perhaps still is in the vanilla world). But in the kinky world, it’s practically an entry level requirement to get a partner of ANY level of commitment. Now, monogamy is just one option out of many. Not a valuable trait to distinguish one from the cheaters and liars.

It’s okay to find  your Prince Charming the vanilla world, too.  Almost everyone there will be monogamous. But it’s not really that special there, either. Everyone is monogamous, that doesn’t make you stand out.

7. You see, I believe expectations and standards will only go up.

It won’t always be this easy for polyamorous folk, either.  One day society will have changed— again.  That’s what a good society does, progresses.  It won’t be enough for me to just say, “Hey, you can sleep and love other women!” to an amazing, supportive dom— and get any attention.  Because a thousand other women will be saying the same thing to him.  I’ll have to show him I can put in the effort.  I can contribute equally to the relationship.  I can be good to him, and not harsh, nagging, and belittling.  

Being polyamorous, alone, won’t be anything special.  It’s only special now, because it’s rare (comparatively to society, not the kinky community). Just because something is rare doesn’t make it valuable, but it does make it valuable to the person who wants it.  If only one restaurant in a city is gluten free, it’s gonna be the best restaurant in the city to someone with Celiac disease.  That doesn’t mean it even has very good food, of course, but hey, you need to eat, right?

8. I believe our society will continuously evolve to be better, more accepting, more loving, more embracing of our unique differences. 

Society isn’t perfect.  But we’ve evolved to at least say slavery is usually bad and conquering other countries not a great thing.  As someone who has experienced and heard the worst stories of humanity, you can rain on my parade all you like, but I will take comfort in the small victories. 

I love where society is going, and I love how close we are to living in a happy world where people just live and let live.  But you can’t just rely on happiness being provided to you anymore, you’ve gotta create your own.  

….what is your happiness truly worth to you?  Is it worth finding your own path?

mutually assured destruction based relationships are my #1 hard limit

Mutually assured destruction (MAD) is a doctrine of military strategy and national security policy in which a full-scale use of nuclear weapons by two or more opposing sides would cause the complete annihilation of both the attacker and the defender (see pre-emptive nuclear strike and second strike).[1] It is based on the theory of deterrence, which holds that the threat of using strong weapons against the enemy prevents the enemy’s use of those same weapons. The strategy is a form of Nash equilibrium in which, once armed, neither side has any incentive to initiate a conflict or to disarm.

From Wikipedia’s entry on Mutual Assured Destruction

I don’t do mutual assured destruction.

Long before I discovered kink and explicit consent, I held this standard as core to my belief system. You see, I don’t care what you do. It doesn’t bother me what you like. As long as what you want and what you do does not harm anyone else (no, I will not tolerate that, either), you can do as you please.

Call yourself whichever label you want. You want me to call you “she/her,” regardless of what lies beneath your clothes? Why should I care? What business is it of mine?

But I won’t do this:

“So I won’t date girls, if you don’t date boys.”

“Okay, cool.”

“So then, neither of us will. Because, you know, if you do show interest in other girls, than I will let myself fool around with other boys, and then the relationship is obviously, well, poof!”

Right? That’s how MAD works. I won’t launch my nukes, because then you’d launch your nukes. And then, obviously, the world explodes.

Worse, sometimes it gets outright malicious. Time and time again, I’ve seen people who genuinely thought that it was okay to hurt someone else, because, after all, the person was hurting them. And that it was just cool to be in a destructive relationship like that, because it was MUTUAL destruction. So, you know, it’s fair and all. And it was, like, this fun game to play. How to both hurt each other in such a way that it kept up the game, but it didn’t totally destroy the other (you don’t actually want to put the other player out of them game, or the game is over.)

But, honestly, I just don’t want to bother.

Unless I’m your mother, and even then there are limits, I don’t get to tell you what to do. I don’t even want to tell you what to do. It’s not my kink. I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy from you loving me “soooooo much” that you’ll sacrifice potential happiness for my sake. It makes me feel sad and gross. If you cannot respect yourself enough to stand up for your personal desires, why should I respect you? And if I can’t respect you, I can’t trust you. And if I can’t trust you, we have no relationship.

So, whatever. If you simply don’t want to date other people, cool. Only date your partner or me or whomever. But if you’re into the whole concept of “It’s okay for me to tell you what to do, as long as you get to tell me what to do,” well, kindly scurry off and find someone else to date.

It’s not going to be me.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Pexels

What I Actually Gained From Poly

See Original Post HERE from the lovely @Rainbow_Kitten7

Yes, at first I gained poly muscles…wayyyyy more than I ever thought I would. I can even flex them a little. Tiny baby poly biceps. It’s cute, really. Totes presh, just like our precious @Midgee.

And that was my main original goal. Let go of that closed fist and allow an open hand just as he has always done with me.

It was fucking hard. The hardest transition I’ve ever had to make in my entire life. It required me to give up control of the one thing in the world that I didn’t want to give up control of…

His heart.

What if..

…I lost him?

…There was another that was better than me?

…She could give him things I couldn’t?

…He wanted to spend even more time with her than he did already?

…About our time?

…He fell in love…like for real, deep desperate life changing in love, love kind of love?

You know what I found out?

She could give him things I couldn’t. A lot of things. And he did fall in love. He fell head over heels in love with her and I had to watch from the sidelines. It was excruciating to my heart. He did want to spend more time with her. And I had to learn how to share. Then he started writing about her. Ooofff. And all of fet fell in love with her and their story too.

I was really bad at it at first. Like terrible twos tantrum bad. I would promise to work on me, do real soul work. And I would….all the way till I melted down. On more than a few occasions. I cock blocked myself all the time, and instead said the wrong thing I didn’t mean to say that would end us in hours of conversation trying to climb back up to normal.

No, it definitely wasn’t easy. But I did it. And then I fell in love with her too. Or maybe I had already been in love with her. And now I am still heartbroken and still also desperately in love with her.

But breakups happen and life moves on. We found our tribe. He chose a masochist. My poly muscles remained strong.

And then…

The traveling masochists started showing up. I have no idea if part of that was the desperate need for connection after our twilight year of covid or if for the first time he was writing about sadism as more than philosophy. But girls were thirsty for him and what he had to offer.

It was cute at first. And then it rolled into a lot. A lot of moving parts. Conversations. Planning. A lot of rearranging my own life and the life of my kids to host.

I panicked for a minute.

Damn it. I thought I had this poly thing figured out. But I faltered. I second guessed myself. And I second guessed him. But during that time something happened. I grew in a poly way I never ever fucking thought I would get to in a million years.

I was not jealous OF a metamour, I was jealous FOR a metamour. And then jealous for a second metamour when a new girl came in. For the first time in my entire life I felt…


I was floored.

I looked around me and realized I had a sisterhood. A real sisterhood. I cared about these women. Like truly cared.

No, I’m not poly. Not really. Not like he is. Polysexual sure. Maybe poly in the girl lane if the right girl comes along. But poly was his thing. He was falling in love and playing sadist. I was just over here slutting away. His dynamic was not my dynamic, right?

But here I am going to lunch with my sisters. Going shopping with them. Talking about him with them. Helping them through their own insecurities. For fuck sake, the four of us are in a group chat and I think I got nominated poly den mother. Lmao. Here’s the thing though….

I fucking love it!!! These are my girls.

These beautiful, incredibly special women are not just connected to him. They are connected to me in a way that I never anticipated being connected. It is kitchen table polyamoury in a way that I never thought I could be a part of. There is honesty, transparency, friendship, a lot of crazy, but mostly love in abundance.

I know that love is infinite. I get why poly people do it. The part that has always scared me was time. Time is finite and I was always worried that I wouldn’t get enough of MY time with him.

But this?

I NEVER ever expected this. MY love was multiplied. Not just his. These are MY girls. He has to share them with ME. I have women who I can laugh with, cry with, do life with. It has added to my life in a way that I never imagined it would.

But he knew. Oh, he very much knew.

Tricky fucking sadists.

trust isn’t necessary to be a fucking decent person

I’ll say it here: Trust is overrated.

It’s wonderful when it genuinely blossoms from a deep connection. A solidly built trust helps to reassure one that you are making the right decision with any given person with whom that trust is formed.

Yet at the end of the day, the only person in whom you can trust without a doubt’s shadow is yourself. Everyone else you are trusting that you can trust. Sometimes that gamble is low, but it is never zero. But, you see, that’s okay.

I rarely curse, but I’ll make an exception for this one:

You don’t need to trust me to treat me like a fucking human being.

Sometimes trust is necessary for a relationship. I cannot have children with a man or woman that I do not trust. I make that choice for myself, but also because I owe it to my future offspring. If I choose poorly, and they ask, I don’t want my answer to be, “Well, I knew I didn’t trust them, but I decided to just not think about it.” I don’t want to teach them that what I wanted (being a mother) was more important than their future (growing up feeling safe and wanted in a house with both parents that they love). Nope, not doing that. Mistakes happen, you can’t tell the future. But I’m damn well not going to try to make it miserable for them, either!

But sometimes trust is nothing more than a nice luxury between two people who don’t like each other at all, but are still living on this planet together.

Trust is a nice luxury. But it’s a bit like love and religion. It’s only real when we believe in it. You cannot hold it, touch it, do anything with it. You cannot live in it. Oh, you can in the movies and such, but in the real world, we need cold currency for rent and food.

My partner’s ex loves to use this as an excuse. “You see,” her voice drips honey, “He, and I, well, we just don’t trust each other. Without trust, we can’t work together.” It’s a nice little phrase, and the mediator happily agrees with the bland statement. I wonder if she believes in this crap or simply wants to get paid for her time and leave.

You see, my partner doesn’t actually have to trust his ex to work with her. He will never trust her again. Nor should he. But he can still honor agreements. Can still communicate with her regarding the best interest of his children. There’s no trust, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to squabble like babies while your children try to make up for your lack of maturity and self discipline. Contracts and lawyers. They make up for the lack of trust.

I don’t trust many people. But I can still work with them.

If I only worked with those I trusted, I’d be playing a boring game of hot potato. Passing money back and forth between me and five other people. You don’t have to like someone or trust them to make agreements and stick to them.

You can just work with them, for the sake of creating harmony in this world. So that other people suffer less hurt. You can smile at them and still trash them (in private!) behind their backs. Don’t do this for people you care about, of course, and try to limit those you treat in this manner.

But when push comes to shove? Let’s say you don’t trust your boss. You do, however, need a paycheck and your coworkers deserve a drama free workplace. So you smile and act polite to your boss (all while determinedly seeking a new job with a better company!)

The social contract. We abide by it for a reason. Just like with legal contracts, the social contract represents a sign of distrust. I don’t need that contract with my master, because I trust him…but he’s close to the only one I trust that much. But with most people I interact with, be it my co workers, my neighbors, etc? I don’t have the time and luxury of sitting around until our relationships are so perfect, I can simply trust them.

And it’s okay. I can be nice to them in the meantime. If I can swallow my pride and smile in the face of an abuser- because if I signal to them that I know the abuse is happening, the people I care about will be hurt- than I think most of us can do it with most people in our lives, regardless of how much we like and trust them.

Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstance.

You. Don’t. Need. Trust. to treat someone with basic kindness, decency, and respect. So let’s all grow up and do that, shall we?

Photo by Elijah O'Donnell from Pexels

i spent my twenties finding me

Some might say I wasted that decade. Threw my twenties away. They might be right–

— but they might be wrong.

If I could pass on a single life lesson to anyone, it would be this:

Whoever you are, wherever you are, please put aside that time to find yourself.

Because happiness is tricky. Everyone’s searching for the secret to happiness. And, no, I’m not going to reveal the secret to happiness in five hundred words or less. But I do want to share this observation. As I’ve met folk and shared stories, I keep being reminded of this:

It is never a waste to find ourselves.

I’d say do it sooner than later, but it is also never too late. I chose to find myself first, and if you are still able to do that, I’d encourage it. But some of find ourselves in our forties, after our first marriage. Or in our sixties, after we’ve built our professional selves– and want to know who we are outside of the boardroom. It’s never too late, either.

But while it may never be too late, it is certainly never too early. Don’t wait until you are “ready.” Until you have the job, the house, the kids. You matter must.

So, what are you waiting for?