She’s worried, as we’re speaking,
What if I have a wonderful time with you? What if we decide to try a second date? What if we want…a relationship? Something more. Something real. What if it’s not just some stupid, silly fling?
She continues, sincerely puzzled, but with no ill intent. She asks,
How does that work…?
And I tell her,
How does that work when we both have partners? Children? Jobs? How does that work when life demands so much already?
She nods, but says nothing. And I tell her,
Because we want it to work, that’s how. Because haven’t you had a special friendship in your life, then found someone else you loved. Or they found someone they loved, but they didn’t abandon you in any way, did they…and, oh!
Something occurs to me,
But perhaps you haven’t experienced that. When your best friend got married, she stopped talking to you, perhaps. Or at least drew back. You thought it was normal. People often gave you less once they found their One True Love. Even the person you thought was your One True Love gave you less, once their attention diverted to that person they claimed to be nothing, “just” a friend…but then all of a sudden you had nothing.
But you found someone else. So it was okay. But then you had a child. You remember how you and your partner stopped having time for each other, when your little one arrived.
Someone told you some things,
You know, when you have a second child you don’t stop loving the first. You think, of course that’s true. But you remember what happened to you. And you wonder…
Someone has to lose, when new love comes into your life. You can’t possibly do it all, after all. You think, if someone falls for you, they’ll have less for their first love. Or at best, they won’t have very much left for you. Someone must lose, right, when something new is introduced?
And, sure, priorities shift. Sometimes that tiny little being needs much more from you. Or a friend gets sick. Or you get a bit carried away in the rapture of new love.
She nods, her face softening a bit. Maybe, she thinks, you’re right.
But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s possible to have a child and still prioritize your partner; to marry and still have time for your best friend; to love someone– and love someone else. To treat both of them with all the love they could ever want. At least all the love they could ever want from you. Which is all that matters in the case of you and them. All of it is entirely possible.
We have only so much time, yes. We have to learn to manage it a bit more efficiently, yes. But we have room for so much more than just One Person In Our Lives.
When you find that second, third, fourth love, you can find a way to bring them close into your heart– without taking anything away from anyone. Because you make sure you add as much as you take away, so the cup remains full.
Will you help me, she asks? If I have trouble?
Of course! Perhaps you haven’t really experienced how to do that. But I can help you. Please let me show you what’s possible. I can’t give you more time, I’m not magical. But I can help you learn how to manage that time.
I can’t give everything to everyone, either.
But I can make time for you.