plight of the straight, female, mono submissive, part 1: dear pretty, mono girl

Fyi, this works in reverse for the “pretty” guys, the tall, handsome Chris Hemsworth look alike searching out their one, true, monogamous submissive love.  Switch genders, or even sexes, as you like:

Dear pretty, monogamous girl in search of her one true dominant,

Remember high school? Maybe you were the pretty head cheerleader who never showed up single to a dance. Maybe you were the nerdy girl in the back of the classroom. Some of my friends wish they could go back to high school, but I’ve never wanted that.

Although some days, it feels like nothing’s changed.

Whatever we like to tell ourselves, K&P is still flooded with Hollywood perfect bodies, perfect curves, long gorgeous locks. We’re still supposed to be curvy, but not overweight. We still have cliques and popular factions that seem to do little but congratulate each other.

But it has changed…

You’ve never been single before, you’ve always known how to play the game. So why are you struggling now? After all, you’re still pretty. Whatever wrinkles you’ve acquired do little more than suggest you’ve gained experience and wisdom. But it doesn’t help.

You can’t even seem to find the guy you want, let alone how to get him once you’ve found him! He’s a little too vanilla.  He’s a little too unavailable.  Him?  He’s worst of all; he’s not monogamous. 

What happened to all the good monogamous doms?  Did they ever exist? Or is this just the latest excuse for the cheating assholes who never could actually do monogamy?

It isn’t so easy to find a good, mature, monogamous dom, as it is to find a good, mature, monogamous boyfriend. 

I know you. There’s a certain kind of dom who is attracted to monogamy only because he’s too insecure to allow you near another penis. And, yes, men will hide behind monogamy to cover up their lack of confidence. And, no, that doesn’t make for a great dom. I know you don’t want that, cause I’ve seen you try to date that, and it didn’t work out very long. Nor should you settle for that!

So, now, it’s a numbers game. Let’s imagine there are X number of emotionally secure, skilled, good male doms out there- this excludes all the men drawn to monogamy for the wrong reasons, including they think that they can get you exclusive to them, while they do whatever they please. These doms, very likely, are not cookie cutter models. They want every shade of relationship under the sun, because they know there is more than one option for them.

It’s fair to say that a minority will ONLY want a sexual, romantic relationship with one submissive. What are the odds, right? Do you think they are better, or worse, than the odds of, say, them liking the same favorite dessert as yourself?

Oh, but none of those poly guys had anything to give, anyway, right?

I’ve heard this before. That a non monogamous partner can’t possibly give as much as a monogamous partner, right?  So you’re only losing the ones that wouldn’t be offering much to begin with. Supposedly.

Surprisingly, a poly partner is perfectly capable of giving you MORE than enough to make your relationship incredible.  You REALLY want to tell me you can do MORE for your dom, than @Rainbow_Kitten7 does for her husband?  For her family? For her other partners? Plus, what she does to take care of herself, mentally and physically. Allow me to reiterate this point:

There are many, many fucking amazing girlfriends, wives, partners out there! 

We’re everywhere.  Wanna know a secret?  We don’t even have to be polyamorous! We might be monogamous, polyamorous, or anywhere in between.  There are women who offer a kind of life the dominant has never even known existed, let alone believed they could have for themselves.  Women with special talents.  Women with an ability to juggle life in ways nobody believes possible.

Because by the time someone is experienced enough to be a good dom, they very likely met other, wonderful women. That they don’t want to give up, not just for you. That they shouldn’t be asked to give up, to choose between loving you and loving them.

All things being equal, what do you think is his reasonable response when one woman says, “I will give you everything— if you give up all the other women (and men) in your life.”  And the other woman simply says, “I will give you everything.”

I know you are great and amazing and all— but, as much self esteem as I have, I know I am not better than the entire fucking population of women combined. 

Oh, but you promise to mean it?

That you won’t ever cheat on them, that you will be that perfect girlfriend for them that never breaks their heart?

Sorry. Not cheating is not enough.  Maybe it used to be seen as rare and accomplished to remain faithful to your partner.  When monogamy wasn’t just a choice, it was a serious badge of honor.  Women would say, “Well, he wasn’t [insert moral or physical failing], but, hey, he NEVER cheated on me!” 

Those stupid memes bragging about how some celebrity stayed faithful for FIFTY YEARS, well, that just makes a lot of us roll their eyes. He made a promise and he actually KEPT it?  Yeah, every one of our current, multiple partners does that for us today. What else you got?

Life is different in the kinky world.  

Say what you like about “all men.” But please don’t say silly things to me. “Well, there just aren’t any good doms.” “All men cheat.”  “Nobody sees me for who I am.”  “They just aren’t attracted to me.” Self pity is an attractive quality on nobody. Doms who want polyamory are not just seeking an excuse to cheat.

I’ve met plenty amazing doms and masters.  They don’t care whether you are monogamous, non monogamous, or polyamorous.  But they do expect you to be honest with them as a bare minimum.  They do want a girlfriend with whom they feel safe and loved.  And who meets their insatiable sex demands, of course!  

Good masters appreciate a woman who shows off her body and curves in tight, translucent dresses as much as anyone else (not everyone’s cup of tea, of course, but some).  Good doms seek out someone who balances with their life, their desires, their wants– knowing that they must be just as good for their submissive as the sub is for them.

Some will be monogamous, some will not. The good ones don’t worry about how many submissives or slaves they own, it’s not about that. They worry if they are treating their submissives well. Lovingly or roughly as the situation demands.

If all you show someone is your desire for monogamy, your fantastic body, and your pretty face— that isn’t enough to even gain the attention of the good doms, let alone their lasting commitment. 

Sexual exclusivity is a perfectly reasonable want to have, but it’s not a value. It doesn’t make you better. It’s just a thing that you want. But every thing you want comes with a cost.

Trust me, please, when I met my first partner that I could see myself living with for the rest of my life, that I didn’t find the “perfect man” that met all of my ideas and expectations– and that is okay. I did meet the perfect man, well, at least a perfect man, for me. I had to consider what was important to me and what was not. Turned out he already had a love in his life, but that didn’t preclude a place for myself in it. Worked out quite well that I wanted many loves, too, but I didn’t need poly to “benefit” me. Not when it came to him. I just needed him to treat me well and to love me and to support me. I stopped worrying about the rest.

When I met my girlfriend, he supported me just as much. It wasn’t about him. It was about her and me.

You might never want a second love. But please stop dismissing the idea of you being anything but monogamous by telling people “I prefer not to share my toys.” (Well, I’m not a toy, I’m a human being, so that’s cool.)  “I am too jealous.” (Like poly folk never experience jealousy?) “I’m territorial.” (I don’t even know what that means.) Tell me, instead, what qualities you desire most in your partner.

And remember, that -just- because someone is monogamous doesn’t mean they don’t have other loves. Perhaps not romantic, love of my life loves, but still loves. Perhaps that man who is polyamorous is not so different than anyone else who is open, loving, and kind, regardless of their label.

Perhaps the trouble isn’t what you want, but how you are looking for it.

Suppose you had a good friend. He tells you he met the submissive of his dreams, willing to give him everything he needs to be happy, but she thinks she might want to play with another dominant some day. What would you say to him? Would you tell him to leave her, because she likes to play with other toys?

You’re searching for a unicorn, pretty, mono girl. You’re not the only one; there’s the couple wanting that perfect bi girlfriend. The dominant who isn’t willing to go to munches, but randomly sends demands to women online, because, sure, one of those women is definitely going to submit to him.

Oh, nothing is impossible. Perhaps that man exists for you, but if he does, how long are you willing to wait to find him? And will he have room for you in his life, once you do?

Pretty, mono girl, I wish you the best of luck. 

When you step out into the dating world, pretty mono girl, you are absolutely free to say, “I like chocolate and I don’t think that will ever change,”  but please understand that if a different woman offers him Neopolitan, he has every right to accept that.  Love doesn’t always have to be sacrifice. It doesn’t have to be only one flavor of ice cream until death do you part. It just might be enough for you. That’s ok.

Although I wish you’d at least consider whether maybe your Prince Charming isn’t a knight on a white horse, but secretly three smoking hot redheaded goddesses in a trench coat.  Or maybe you end up with only one smoking hot redheaded goddess. That isn’t so bad, either, is it?

It’s your happiness at stake.  I’ve spoken with friends, older and, sometimes, wiser than myself. Who wish someone had told them more of the truth when they were twenty something, rather than painfully finding more and more out at forty something…and fifty something. Not that we aren’t always learning, but, still…

What is finding more of that happiness, perhaps a decade earlier, worth to you?

Part 1 of the 3 Part Series: “Whatever Happened to Monogamy?”

Coming up:

Part 2:

“Where Have All the Good (Mono) Doms Gone?

* While I do rather believe in a “perfect man” for myself, please understand that not every woman feels the same and many desire multiple male partners, but, in my case, yes, that concept exists for me.

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