i want to be all of my selves, because otherwise i lose myself

I don’t think it does anyone any good to be only one thing and to lose themselves in that thing.

I sincerely believe that is why -some- mothers hate motherhood. Some women think it means losing themselves and becoming nothing but a mother. The woman, in my opinion naturally, resents this– unfortunately often resulting in the children receiving the brunt of this frustration. A father almost always knows he is also a businessman, a friend, a husband. (I read an article that says the average male’s happiness is first dependent on his satisfisfaction in his career). That doesn’t make him a bad person. That makes him human.

I think that’s something we should strive for. To be many things. To accept all pieces of ourselves. And not worry that we aren’t “enough” of something, because we dilute our personality. We’re not kinky “enough”; we’re not a “full-time” mother; we’re not a “real” businessman. Because we’re not that one thing ALL the time.

I am a lot of things. Each of them is real in that moment.

  • I am a businesswoman. 
  • I am a mother (specifically I am a “friendmom,” which is a bit of the both worlds of being a mother, an aunt, and a best friend) 
  • I am Your owned submissive.
  • I am your confidante.
  • I am your geeky friend.
  • ….I could go on, but I think that is sufficient for now.

I am fluid, and responsive.  Sometimes I am everything; sometimes I am only one.

In this moment, I am this. In the next, I am this. With this person, I am something. With another person, I am something entirely different.

With my master, I am submissive (although my personality percolates around Him, sometimes being the caring, nurturing partner when He needs it).  With others, I am dominant.  Well, dominant-ish.  I am really not that dominant, but if I need to take the lead, I will.  Some would say I am a switch, which is accurate enough, but each mask is distinct and valid. 

When I am something, I am usually wholly that.  That is, when I am with my geeky friends, my mothering side comes out very little.  I don’t see it as hiding myself, but rather focusing on what is relevant to the person at hand.  This person, loving and amazing as they are, might not care so much about kids. Why make them talk about something they have no interest in? Unfair to them, and not much fun for me.

“Kitty, take a moment to be the woman that loves old movies and philosophical ramblings.  Because this friend I am spending time with can offer incredible insights on that matter.  Take advantage!”

Because I don’t speak about all of myself to all the people, some people think I don’t value certain parts of me- but it’s not true at all.

I don’t talk about the munchkins to this one person, so they think motherhood isn’t important to me. I don’t talk about my queer identity to another person, so they think I find my sexuality a matter of indifference. I don’t speak about my social or private life to someone, so they think I don’t have one.

This is okay. I don’t have time to worry about what others think of me. I have too much to do.

Maybe this will help…

I’ll toss out a few labels to help people understand me. Though I’ve reduced my labels to just the few that I think are most relevant. I am bisexual.  I am kinky.  I am polyamorous. I’m…is that enough for now?

Sometimes, I’m just me. Most days, *I* don’t even care what label I am. I just know what I like. Why should I expect someone ELSE to care?

I hope you have that same, assured understanding of yourself.  It doesn’t rid yourself of every problem and discomfort, but I’ll be honest.  It helps.  It makes everything in life slightly easier when you at least feel you’ve got a hold on Who You Are. 

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