mutual questionnaire when beginning a relationship: romance edition

Questions When Beginning A Relationship (Romantic)

A Living Document

  1. Love Languages:  What does love mean to you?  Look like?  How do you give and receive romantic love?
  2. References: What are your “people” like? Your closest friends? Chosen family? Who might I run into at munches? Tell me about them. What would they say about you? Can I reach out and speak with any of them?
  3. Community: How long have you been in the kink community? What events do you generally attend? What are your favorites? What do you avoid and why?
  4. Communication: How would you describe your communication style? Does it differ with different partners? How often do you want to communicate? How do you feel about messaging throughout everyday? How do you feel about scheduling periodic check-ins?
  5. Emotional Processing: How do you process and share your emotions? How do your traumas influence you now? What do you need to feel safe to be vulnerable? What is your relationship to anger like? What does aftercare look like for you? What is your love language?
  6. Pleasure: What is pleasure for you? Is giving/receiving pleasure something you want? In what ways, if any, do you sexually please your partners? Do you give/receive oral? Why or why not?
  7. Values: What are your values? How would you say you live through them? What are signs you are living outside of your values?
  8. Spiritual: Do you have a spiritual and/or religious practice? How important is spirituality to you? What comes up when you think about your death? Have you prepared for your death? Why or why not?
  9. Attachment Style: What is your general attachment style? How do you detach after scenes? In what ways does your ego show up? Important: If you are not secure in your attachment, how do you want to be helped/supported in developing a secure attachment with me?
  10. Natural Power Dynamics: How do you address natural power dynamics when negotiating, playing, and dating, outside of negotiated dynamics? How do you accommodate when the inherent power dynamic is above average (ex: new to the scene and/or an age gap)?
  11. D/s Dynamic: What roles do you think you might like with me? What do you generally expect as a dominant or a submissive?
  12. Hygiene & Cleanliness: If you use toys, what is your toy and tool cleaning process? What is your personal hygiene routine? How often do you clean your home and laundry? What type of hygiene expectations do you have of your partners?
  13. Menstruation: How do you feel about menstruation blood? What about having sex while I/you are bleeding?
  14. Non Kink Life: Is your kink life separate from your non kink life? What kind of non kinky activities do you engage in? Would you be interested in vanilla activities with kinky people, i.e. roller blading, hanging out at tea shops, going to the beach?
  15. Resilience: When things get hard, how do you try to respond? How do you actually respond? What do you hope from me when I’m triggered or having a hard time with something, especially something you have done/are doing?
  16. Safety: How often do you test for STIs? What are your sexual safety practices? What are your emotional health safety practices? What are the riskiest sexual practices you engage in/desire to engage in?

For Polyamorous Relationships


  1. Relationships:. Who are your other partners? Are there any I might meet, especially relatively soon? How should we introduce ourselves to them, i.e. “This is Anna, my girlfriend/my hopefully girlfriend/my partner/my person.”
  2. Comfort: How comfortable are your partner(s) with polyamory? How experienced? What does that experience entail?
  3. Mutual Events: Do you know how to balance your time/energy so that all your partners at an event feel seen and taken care of? Are all your partners able to be in the same room as each other, or are there issues of which I should be aware?
  4. DADT Policies: Is there anything that happens between you and I that I cannot tell another of your partners about? Are there any partners I’m forbidden from meeting or interacting with in any way?
  5. Dating: Is there potential for a triad/quad forming between us and any of your partners? Is the a home between us/some of us a possibility? Or do you always hope to keep this relationship similar to a good friendship, valued, but with no expectation of it being more?

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