I wrote about one kind of domme, the other day. But I also have frustration with the other sort that, well, dominates the media.
The Dominatrix. Powerful, whip cracking, latex clad.
When most vanilla folk think of dommes– from every observation I’ve gathered, though I may be wrong– they picture Angelina Jolie from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Ivy from SoulCalibur. That girl from the Netflix series “Bondage.” Or see a more complete list.
I don’t mind that She exists. The kind of domme implicated in Cake’s, “short skirt, long jacket.” (Although it’s ambiguous in the song; she may be a professional or she might simply be in control of her finances.) I find her empowered and beautiful. I respect that someone would choose her lifestyle. And I certainly know there are plenty of submissives who desire someone like her. Me, though? I cannot afford her. If I could, I still wouldn’t. It’s not for me.
What I object to is the fact that findommes overwhelm the perception of female domination.
When we speak of male doms, we tend to be much more broad in our descriptions, the daddy dom, the alpha dom, the master. Not only that, but the attitude towards doms is to be nurturing and caring. What can they do for their subs, not merely what can they take. And yet, they are clearly the dominant one. Doms share their perspectives; submissives pour out their heartfelt adoration of their daddies, their masters. Which is amazing. And yet–
When we speak of female dommes, She is basically it. Even in kinky communities, when I ask about it, inevitably I get asked about my budget. Nobody, curiously, asks me that if I’m seeking a male dom. A domme is even defined as
A dominatrix (plural dominatrices or dominatrixes) or mistress is a woman who takes the dominant role in bondage and discipline, dominance and submission or BDSM.
But that isn’t true. That’s the definition of a prodomme or a findomme (the difference between, does she take money for services or is her financial domination of the person the actual kink). That is the Wikipedia definition, which then goes on to list ONLY dominatrixes in their illustration of the concept. The unspoken part is “when she is paid for it.”
Hey, if that’s your thing, cool. I simply want to talk about the other kinds.
What about the Domina? The head of her household who cares for and protects her submissives.
What about the Mommy? Who plays with her littles and helps them grow. Babyboys, as opposed to babygirls, are stigmatized enough. Do we not realize that, by doing so, we diminish the role of “mommies” in the kink world?
What about the female Pet owner? Who cares for her kittens as any other woman might care for her animal pets? With the same love and devotion.
What happens when She, the Dominatrix, is the only one we hear about?
I, and every other submissive woman I know, have no time for the doms that spam us with “You are now my submissive, bow to me!” messages. No accompany, “Hello, would you like to meet up for coffee?” I have an equal disdain in the sort of dommes with plenty of “I’m worth it” statements, alongside demands obedience, gifts, and attention in their profiles- yet nothing to back it up. No demonstrations of their skills or any indication of what they might offer me for my service. Only what I can do for them. Single, according to their profiles.
Our kink community has, rightfully, criticized male doms when they are callous towards female submissives.