stupid piece of shit; a reflection on my inner voices

That voice, the one that tells you you’re worthless and stupid and ugly? It goes away, right? It’s just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?”

S4E6, Bojack Horseman

There’s this little voice that’s followed me around, like a little lost puppy. She isn’t malicious, but her bite is sharp. But she doesn’t mean any harm, she’s just being a puppy.

I think some of us, at one point or another, told ourselves the voice would go away. We’d become secure, confident, mature. Whatever that word means.

But it didn’t go away.

If anything, it grew worse. I grew addicted to humiliation and degradation in the most mature of activities. Don’t ask me, why, I couldn’t tell you. All I know is that I need it to relax, to fall into subspace.

She wrapped herself in my conscience. A soft, subtle reminder triggered by harsh words and a feeling of unacceptance. That nobody would ever understand me. Want me. Despite crystal clear evidence to the contrary. She still suggested that perhaps I imagined the kindness and support.

I no longer expect the little voice in my head to go away.

I don’t know why I only believe when people say bad things about me, not the good. I’m so desperate to convince those who think poorly of me. As if it’s personal. It never, ever is.

Once I thought it was, but then it turned out she wanted to take my master from me. Of course she had motive to dislike me. Ease her guilt at the shitty actions she took against me. I understand.

But I still believe what she said.

Little Miss Pesky. Following me around. I try to listen to her less every day, replacing her voice with my master’s and my loved ones. Those who care deeply for me. We all have those people in our lives. We need to remember their voices are what matters.

it isn’t easy.

I think that’s being human.

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