s/he belongs to you for a reason

“How is it possible for one to own the stars?” [said the Little Prince.]
“To whom do they belong?” the businessman retorted, peevishly.
“I don’t know. To nobody.”
“Then they belong to me, because I was the first person to think of it.”
….
“I myself own a flower,” [said the Little Prince] as he continued his conversation with the businessman, “which I water every day. I own three volcanoes, which I clean out every week (for I also clean out the one that is extinct; one never knows). It is of some use to my volcanoes, and it is of some use to my flower, that I own them. But you are of no use to the stars . . .”

This is what I believe ownership is about.

It’s funny, but some humans think of ownership of other people the same way as the businessman (and I speak here in context of a consensual D/s or M/s relationship).

Nobody thought of owning this girl first? She’s yours. Nobody claimed this submissive? Write her name on a piece of paper, put it in a box and lock the box. She’s yours. You “own” her now, because you said so, and your dominant aura overwhelms her (even if it’s strictly one or two messages you’ve sent to her inbox). And now it’s on to claim the next one. That IS how it works, no?

But perhaps it’s simpler than that.

Do you wish to own them? Fine. Answer this then: What use are you to your submissive? Slapping her around is one thing, but what value do you provide to her? A rosy warmed bottom is lovely, but does she find it valuable? If so, wonderful. If not, what is your true value to her? After all, you wouldn’t take on someone who had no use to you, would you?

My master owns me. Not by virtue of some code or paperwork. Because he supports me in my life ambitions, as well as takes care of me in the bedroom. Because he cheers me on, provides me that simple reassurance. But more than that he keeps me steady and tells me what I need to hear when nobody else will tell me.

He owns me, yes, but more than that, he protects his property. I feel safe, every day, because (among other things) of him. With his actions, with his way of living. He protects what he owns, because he values it. It’s easy to say you value something, but actually protecting that something is another matter. Outside of the bedroom, and inside of it.

I’ll ask again. What use are you to your slave?

Research_CAPRI

[understanding what ‘makes’ a submissive & more] new research on the relationship between BDSM interest, trauma and attachment style

As a self identified kitten and submissive who does have an anxious avoidance attachment style, I found this quite educational. As with any research, please take this with a grain of salt and apply it to yourself as is relevant, but still, I wanted to share this with you!

Yours truly,

Kitten

____________________________________________

Reposted with permission from guest blogger: Research_CAPRISee original post here!

A new scientific paper was published by our group on the relationship between BDSM interest on one hand and experienced trauma and attachment style on the other.

It has been speculated that a substantial percentage of BDSM practitioners have experienced (sexual) trauma in the past. Attachment style is an additional factor resulting from early life dynamics that has been suggested to potentially influence BDSM interests. This study will investigate to what extent BDSM interests are related to trauma and attachment style, while differentiating between BDSM community practitioners and private practitioners.

Methods: A group of 771 BDSM-practitioners and 518 non-practitioners from the general population completed a survey in 2017 assessing BDSM interests as well as the Brief Trauma Questionnaire to gauge traumatic events and the Relationships Questionnaire to assess attachment style.

Results: Community BDSM-practitioners and private practitioners reported higher levels of physical abuse in adulthood but no significant differences emerged for other traumatic experiences including childhood physical abuse or unwanted sexual trauma. Surprisingly, BDSM-practitioners had more secure and at the same time more anxious-preoccupied attachment styles compared to non-practitioners. Besides, secure attachment style was associated with dominance, whereas the anxious-avoidant attachment style was associated with submissiveness. Intensity of BDSM interest was predicted by secure attachment style, gender, sexual orientation and living area.

Conclusion: Thus, our findings do not support the hypothesis of BDSM being a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to early life dynamics.

link to the full paper

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

yes, i’m a submissive, even when i’m sick

“Do you suspend dynamics when you’re sick?”

I’ve most often seen this question posed towards s-types. Does your master suspend dynamics when you are unwell? And a part of me recognizes that many people do not know how dynamics work. They are curious what happens when the sub cannot “serve” her dominant. I respect this.

And, yet, I am still saddened at the implications behind the question. As if some Daddies cannot be a daddy and take care of their babygirl when she’s sick with a fever or extra tired, or just feeling a little low that day. As if a submissive cannot respect and serve her master, if he is sick and not his “strong, dominant self.” Whatever that means.

Or perhaps the question refers to those who engage in high protocol.

Which is no better. Because in those cases the “dynamics” should always be suspended. So, still not a question. “Oh, I know your hands are shaking and you can hardly sit up without coughing out a lung, but don’t forget to be waiting for me, on your knees, in full latex when I come home. Oh, and also have dinner prepared for me.”

I mean, seriously, dude. Tell me I’m wrong here, but you better have a damn solid argument as to why you are making your half drowned puppy take care of your needs, and not the other way around.

Being a dominant, in my world, means caring for your submissive when she needs it. Being a submissive means respecting your master, even if he’s sick and doesn’t have the energy to tie you up or create scenes for you.

My master is my master, always. Sometimes that means holding me when I’m sad. Or taking me to the doctor when I’m sick. He made a commitment to take care of me. I am not simply this thing to be used when I’m in proper shape to be used. Get a blowup doll, if that’s what you think it’s about.

A dominant is still a dominant -even- when they serve. A submissive is still submissive -even- when being served. True, some may Switch, but, nonetheless, they are their role when they choose or when they are inspired. Not because they are engaged in community defined “sub” or “dom” tasks.

Whatever my physical condition, I am always his most precious object. If he’s having a rough day, it’s my job to be patient and realize we might not be going to the dungeon that evening. Or even doing anything at all. It doesn’t mean we’ve “lost” our dynamic. It just means that, today, this is what it looks like.

In sickness, and in health.

P.S. By the way, my master doesn’t need me sick or injured to be caring towards me. He does it every day. And you should feel free to find a master who treats you similarly, if you desire that.

when pro dommes become the only dommes

I wrote about one kind of domme, the other day. But I also have frustration with the other sort that, well, dominates the media.

The Dominatrix. Powerful, whip cracking, latex clad.

When most vanilla folk think of dommes– from every observation I’ve gathered, though I may be wrong– they picture Angelina Jolie from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Ivy from SoulCalibur.  That girl from the Netflix series “Bondage.” Or see a more complete list.

I don’t mind that She exists.  The kind of domme implicated in Cake’s, “short skirt, long jacket.” (Although it’s ambiguous in the song; she may be a professional or she might simply be in control of her finances.)   I find her empowered and beautiful.  I respect that someone would choose her lifestyle.  And I certainly know there are plenty of submissives who desire someone like her. Me, though? I cannot afford her. If I could, I still wouldn’t. It’s not for me.

What I object to is the fact that findommes overwhelm the perception of female domination.  

When we speak of male doms, we tend to be much more broad in our descriptions, the daddy dom, the alpha dom, the master.  Not only that, but the attitude towards doms is to be nurturing and caring.  What can they do for their subs, not merely what can they take.  And yet, they are clearly the dominant one.  Doms share their perspectives; submissives pour out their heartfelt adoration of their daddies, their masters. Which is amazing. And yet–

When we speak of female dommes, She is basically it.  Even in kinky communities, when I ask about it, inevitably I get asked about my budget.  Nobody, curiously, asks me that if I’m seeking a male dom.  A domme is even defined as

A dominatrix (plural dominatrices or dominatrixes) or mistress is a woman who takes the dominant role in bondage and discipline, dominance and submission or BDSM.

But that isn’t true.  That’s the definition of a prodomme or a findomme (the difference between, does she take money for services or is her financial domination of the person the actual kink).  That is the Wikipedia definition, which then goes on to list ONLY dominatrixes in their illustration of the concept.  The unspoken part is “when she is paid for it.”

Hey, if that’s your thing, cool.  I simply want to talk about the other kinds.

What about the Domina?  The head of her household who cares for and protects her submissives. 

What about the Mommy? Who plays with her littles and helps them grow.  Babyboys, as opposed to babygirls, are stigmatized enough.  Do we not realize that, by doing so, we diminish the role of “mommies” in the kink world?

What about the female Pet owner? Who cares for her kittens as any other woman might care for her animal pets? With the same love and devotion.

What happens when She, the Dominatrix, is the only one we hear about?

Because I’m not impressed by the spoiled, so called dommes– usually twenty-six or younger– that act as if they are God’s gift to the world.

I don’t mind those with true skill that provide a service. But, please, if I’m gonna pay $400 an hour, I am not going to be your guinea pig. Learn how to dominate in an actual relationship first. Make the inevitable learning mistakes with someone keen on helping you learn. Or at least be a trained acrobatics performer or something that can be “kinkified” into an awesome play experience.

I, and every other submissive woman I know, have no time for the doms that spam us with “You are now my submissive, bow to me!” messages. No accompany, “Hello, would you like to meet up for coffee?” I have an equal disdain in the sort of dommes with plenty of “I’m worth it” statements, alongside demands obedience, gifts, and attention in their profiles- yet nothing to back it up. No demonstrations of their skills or any indication of what they might offer me for my service. Only what I can do for them. Single, according to their profiles.

Our kink community has, rightfully, criticized male doms when they are callous towards female submissives.

Let’s not hold our female dommes to a lesser standard.


Photo by Tim Mossholder from Pexels

make me laugh

I don’t need a domly Dom to guide me through protocols and charts

Tickle me.

Poke me (but not in the way I don’t like, or so help me!)

Don’t sweep me off my feet with roses and perfume,

bring me a toy to play with, bat around

Or food.

Make me squeal

Turn me into a barnyard animal, moo, cluck, purr, oink?

There is no shame here, this is a safe place

if I hate it, I’ll let you know

I promise.

Sometimes I go, “Ahah!” and spank master, because it’s so worth the

punishment!

Sometimes I want to dress up in a ridiculous purple tutu with my girlfriend

dressed up as a bar of soap.

Life is too serious

Kink is for playtime

If I’m not laughing, I’m not playing

I’m experimenting?

Which is all well and good, but sometimes I need it to be just play

Not pushing my boundaries

Not learning anything

Just playing.