Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

dear pretty, mono girl

Fyi, this works in reverse for the “pretty” guys, the tall, handsome Chris Hemsworth look alike searching out their one, true, monogamous submissive love.  Switch genders, or even sexes, as you like:

Dear pretty, monogamous girl in search of her one true dominant,

Remember high school? Maybe you were the pretty head cheerleader who never showed up single to a dance. Maybe you were the nerdy girl in the back of the classroom. Some of my friends wish they could go back to high school, but I’ve never wanted that.

Although some days, it feels like nothing’s changed.

Whatever we like to tell ourselves, K&P is still flooded with Hollywood perfect bodies, perfect curves, long gorgeous locks. We’re still supposed to be curvy, but not overweight. We still have cliques and popular factions that seem to do little but congratulate each other.

But it has changed…

You’ve never been single before, you’ve always known how to play the game. So why are you struggling now? After all, you’re still pretty. Whatever wrinkles you’ve acquired do little more than suggest you’ve gained experience and wisdom. But it doesn’t help.

You can’t even seem to find the guy you want, let alone how to get him once you’ve found him! He’s a little too vanilla.  He’s a little too unavailable.  Him?  He’s worst of all; he’s not monogamous. 

What happened to all the good monogamous doms?  Did they ever exist? Or is this just the latest excuse for the cheating assholes who never could actually do monogamy?

It isn’t so easy to find a good, mature, monogamous dom, as it is to find a good, mature, monogamous boyfriend. 

I know you. There’s a certain kind of dom who is attracted to monogamy only because he’s too insecure to allow you near another penis. And, yes, men will hide behind monogamy to cover up their lack of confidence. And, no, that doesn’t make for a great dom. I know you don’t want that, cause I’ve seen you try to date that, and it didn’t work out very long. Nor should you settle for that!

So, now, it’s a numbers game. Let’s imagine there are X number of emotionally secure, skilled, good male doms out there- this excludes all the men drawn to monogamy for the wrong reasons, including they think that they can get you exclusive to them, while they do whatever they please. These doms, very likely, are not cookie cutter models. They want every shade of relationship under the sun, because they know there is more than one option for them.

It’s fair to say that a minority will ONLY want a sexual, romantic relationship with one submissive. What are the odds, right? Do you think they are better, or worse, than the odds of, say, them liking the same favorite dessert as yourself?

Oh, but none of those poly guys had anything to give, anyway, right?

I’ve heard this before. That a non monogamous partner can’t possibly give as much as a monogamous partner, right?  So you’re only losing the ones that wouldn’t be offering much to begin with. Supposedly.

Surprisingly, a poly partner is perfectly capable of giving you MORE than enough to make your relationship incredible.  You REALLY want to tell me you can do MORE for your dom, than @Rainbow_Kitten7 does for her husband?  For her family? For her other partners? Plus, what she does to take care of herself, mentally and physically. Allow me to reiterate this point:

There are many, many fucking amazing girlfriends, wives, partners out there! 

We’re everywhere.  Wanna know a secret?  We don’t even have to be polyamorous! We might be monogamous, polyamorous, or anywhere in between.  There are women who offer a kind of life the dominant has never even known existed, let alone believed they could have for themselves.  Women with special talents.  Women with an ability to juggle life in ways nobody believes possible.

Because by the time someone is experienced enough to be a good dom, they very likely met other, wonderful women. That they don’t want to give up, not just for you. That they shouldn’t be asked to give up, to choose between loving you and loving them.

All things being equal, what do you think is his reasonable response when one woman says, “I will give you everything— if you give up all the other women (and men) in your life.”  And the other woman simply says, “I will give you everything.”

I know you are great and amazing and all— but, as much self esteem as I have, I know I am not better than the entire fucking population of women combined. 

Oh, but you promise to mean it?

That you won’t ever cheat on them, that you will be that perfect girlfriend for them that never breaks their heart?

Sorry. Not cheating is not enough.  Maybe it used to be seen as rare and accomplished to remain faithful to your partner.  When monogamy wasn’t just a choice, it was a serious badge of honor.  Women would say, “Well, he wasn’t [insert moral or physical failing], but, hey, he NEVER cheated on me!” 

Those stupid memes bragging about how some celebrity stayed faithful for FIFTY YEARS, well, that just makes a lot of us roll their eyes. He made a promise and he actually KEPT it?  Yeah, every one of our current, multiple partners does that for us today. What else you got?

Life is different in the kinky world.  

Say what you like about “all men.” But please don’t say silly things to me. “Well, there just aren’t any good doms.” “All men cheat.”  “Nobody sees me for who I am.”  “They just aren’t attracted to me.” Self pity is an attractive quality on nobody. Doms who want polyamory are not just seeking an excuse to cheat.

I’ve met plenty amazing doms and masters.  They don’t care whether you are monogamous, non monogamous, or polyamorous.  But they do expect you to be honest with them as a bare minimum.  They do want a girlfriend with whom they feel safe and loved.  And who meets their insatiable sex demands, of course!  

Good masters appreciate a woman who shows off her body and curves in tight, translucent dresses as much as anyone else (not everyone’s cup of tea, of course, but some).  Good doms seek out someone who balances with their life, their desires, their wants– knowing that they must be just as good for their submissive as the sub is for them.

Some will be monogamous, some will not. The good ones don’t worry about how many submissives or slaves they own, it’s not about that. They worry if they are treating their submissives well. Lovingly or roughly as the situation demands.

If all you show someone is your desire for monogamy, your fantastic body, and your pretty face— that isn’t enough to even gain the attention of the good doms, let alone their lasting commitment. 

Sexual exclusivity is a perfectly reasonable want to have, but it’s not a value. It doesn’t make you better. It’s just a thing that you want. But every thing you want comes with a cost.

Trust me, please, when I met my first partner that I could see myself living with for the rest of my life, that I didn’t find the “perfect man” that met all of my ideas and expectations– and that is okay. I did meet the perfect man, well, at least a perfect man, for me. I had to consider what was important to me and what was not. Turned out he already had a love in his life, but that didn’t preclude a place for myself in it. Worked out quite well that I wanted many loves, too, but I didn’t need poly to “benefit” me. Not when it came to him. I just needed him to treat me well and to love me and to support me. I stopped worrying about the rest.

When I met my girlfriend, he supported me just as much. It wasn’t about him. It was about her and me.

You might never want a second love. But please stop dismissing the idea of you being anything but monogamous by telling people “I prefer not to share my toys.” (Well, I’m not a toy, I’m a human being, so that’s cool.)  “I am too jealous.” (Like poly folk never experience jealousy?) “I’m territorial.” (I don’t even know what that means.) Tell me, instead, what qualities you desire most in your partner.

And remember, that -just- because someone is monogamous doesn’t mean they don’t have other loves. Perhaps not romantic, love of my life loves, but still loves. Perhaps that man who is polyamorous is not so different than anyone else who is open, loving, and kind, regardless of their label.

Perhaps the trouble isn’t what you want, but how you are looking for it.

Suppose you had a good friend. He tells you he met the submissive of his dreams, willing to give him everything he needs to be happy, but she thinks she might want to play with another dominant some day. What would you say to him? Would you tell him to leave her, because she likes to play with other toys?

You’re searching for a unicorn, pretty, mono girl. You’re not the only one; there’s the couple wanting that perfect bi girlfriend. The dominant who isn’t willing to go to munches, but randomly sends demands to women online, because, sure, one of those women is definitely going to submit to him.

Oh, nothing is impossible. Perhaps that man exists for you, but if he does, how long are you willing to wait to find him? And will he have room for you in his life, once you do?

Pretty, mono girl, I wish you the best of luck. 

When you step out into the dating world, pretty mono girl, you are absolutely free to say, “I like chocolate and I don’t think that will ever change,”  but please understand that if a different woman offers him Neopolitan, he has every right to accept that.  Love doesn’t always have to be sacrifice. It doesn’t have to be only one flavor of ice cream until death do you part. It just might be enough for you. That’s ok.

Although I wish you’d at least consider whether maybe your Prince Charming isn’t a knight on a white horse, but secretly three smoking hot redheaded goddesses in a trench coat.  Or maybe you end up with only one smoking hot redheaded goddess. That isn’t so bad, either, is it?

It’s your happiness at stake.  I’ve spoken with friends, older and, sometimes, wiser than myself. Who wish someone had told them more of the truth when they were twenty something, rather than painfully finding more and more out at forty something…and fifty something. Not that we aren’t always learning, but, still…

What is finding more of that happiness, perhaps a decade earlier, worth to you?

Part 1 of the 3 Part Series: “Whatever Happened to Monogamy?”

Coming up:

Part 2:

“Where Have All the Good (Mono) Doms Gone?

* While I do rather believe in a “perfect man” for myself, please understand that not every woman feels the same and many desire multiple male partners, but, in my case, yes, that concept exists for me.

Photo by Moose Photos from Pexels

stay single until— an analysis & an observation

“Until it feels easy.”

My kitten brain sighs, “Until WHAT feels easy?”**

It’s nice to say, “Being single is fun and easy!”— and certainly I do think being single is underrated. …but it isn’t always easy.  

The 24/7, confident, hair whipping woman in the powersuit, breastfeeding whilst commanding a conference call via her bluetooth earbud? Or whatever.

“But that kind of woman sounds amazing! I’m sure I could…if I just adjusted a few things…maybe worked a second job…”

C’mon, women***, let’s stop this, please? Let’s consider the following:

  • It’s nice to have someone who can run to CVS and grab a bottle of conditioner because you forget to get any.  So you’re not stuck in the apartment.  Or running out, feeling  gross and unwashed.
  • It’s nice to have someone to help with the laundry.
  • It’s nice to never have to worry about who you’re going to dinner with that evening.

And those are just the little things.

Heck, life isn’t easy.  Partnered or not.  Waiting for life to be easy WHILE you’re alone?  What are we expecting for ourselves?  To be gods and goddesses in flawless, effortless control of our own universes? 

Truth is, it’s tough to accomplish those things without someone to check in, once in a while.  Knowing your love language?  Easier when you can FEEL what it’s like to be provided those languages.  Touched, told lovely words, shown acts of compassion.  From someone who gives it to you on a daily basis.  Knowing what it means to be “treated right?”  Theoretically, you might imagine this or that.  You see what it’s like for others— but you aren’t others, are you?  How do you know how you’ll respond?

“But I don’t want to push myself to be with someone who isn’t right.”

Don’t do that!  I mean it.  It’s certainly worse to be trapped in a loveless or abusive relationship….I don’t think anyone should overcommit, before knowing themselves, if at all possible.  Don’t crash into marriage or have kids without thinking.  At least don’t try to do that (life is messy, it doesn’t always work to plan).  At the same time…

Do you have to do it all alone?” 

If you want to figure life out on your own, that is okay. If you never want a partner in crime, do it on your own. If you mean “single” as “unmarried,” I absolutely agree with the above sentiment in the meme.  If you mean “single” as “independent, childless, wandering soul,” sure.  If you mean “single” as “does not desire any primary romantic relationship,” good on you for knowing that this is what you want.  (Because God knows, hardly anyone will tell you seeking NO romantic love is the right path).

But if you’re waiting for yourself to be “ready” and achieve your own self nirvana, like when Sally from Coupling tells her friends that she’ll introduce her new boyfriend “when he’s finished,” well–

Can I tell you a secret? Love isn’t always something you’re ready for.  Sometimes you just gotta figure it out as you go.  Sometimes you only know after you’ve met the person(s) right for you.

I am perhaps lucky, but I found someone to grow with, mutually.  Someone I could play with love and romance— and yes, I could have been hurt, but being vulnerable allowed me to find any love at all.  

Yes, I didn’t feel prepared.  I wanted to run away until I knew myself better.  I could’ve pushed him aside and told him, Come back when I’m ready.

Now I wonder if I would ever have found myself if I’d run away from every person who wanted to help me, well, find me.  I think I needed that little, constant push from someone who loved me.

Supposed I’d finally been ready, somehow, all on my ownsome [insert sarcasm font]– but he’d already moved on? Sometimes life doesn’t wait for you to catch up.

Someone in my family told me I seemed like I’d found myself when I met him, my- first- partner.  Someone else pointed out that I’d stumbled into him at twenty-five, about when people come into their own anyway.  Which is true.

I don’t know how much was me.  Or how much was his support and influence. It’s not like I twiddled my thumbs before him, I had gotten started on my path of self exploration. But those first five years we were together, I really discovered me. Which came first, chicken or the egg?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know, or if it matters.

I do know that it sure felt nice to have someone by my side during what ended up being a difficult part of my life.

I think that is why we are so close today. We “finished,” to speak, together. Helping each other through each other’s roughest years.

….that final leap? 

That final understanding that made me think, yes, I know all the things I need to know to feel whole? All the things the meme says you should have before you’re ready to stop being single and meet your first real love?

I needed him for that.  And he needed me, although he didn’t quite admit it at the time. He admitted it through his actions, if not his words.

I am glad for you if you can do it alone. On the other hand, it’s okay if you need help to get “there.”  It’s not a weakness.  Don’t be scared of someone seeing you before perfection. Sometimes that’s the only way forward.  

____________________________________________________________

A final note..

Perhaps you don’t have that Love in your life.  Or you don’t even want one.  That’s fine.  What about a best friend?  A partner in crime?  Someone you trust above all others? Having a girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever is awesome for, I would say most of us.  But it’s not everything.  Don’t make it be, if it’s not what you want.

**I’m ignoring some of the more toxic bs in the quote, like, expecting a real love to know what you want without actually voicing what you want…just addressing the sentiment of the meme

***and anyone else who needs to hear this, regardless of gender

Photo by Bekka Mongeau from Pexels

happiness is a choice: lessons from my mother

I learned many lessons from my family growing up.  I learned lessons from my siblings, from my mentors, from my friends.  

The second most important lesson I received from my mother was this:  

Happiness is a choice. 

At the Las Vegas “Life is Beautiful” festival, the year it first began, I painted this sentiment on a brick.  Someone collected the bricks and built a wall from them (a wall that actually made people feel better).  The girl next to me remarked, “That is profound.” I forget, sometimes, how lucky I was to have learned this lesson and early on.  

Of course I didn’t feel lucky at the time.  I fought it like a kitty about to be thrown into the bath. My mother used to ask me what I “got” out of being unhappy– and of course I responded that I didn’t! That I didn’t have any control over my feelings! How stupid was she?  What did I “get” from being unhappy? Nothing!

Truth is, I got plenty out of unhappiness.  I think most of us do. We gain sympathy from our friends.  We gain blind sympathy from strangers (what true value that gives us is debatable, but crying out for sympathy rarely results in no response.  Social media is proof of that.)  We gain an outlet for our frustrations.  Perhaps most importantly, we gain another day’s reprieve in dealing with our actual issues.  We can feel bad for one more day.

Sadness serves a purpose, whether good, bad, or indifferent (I am not interested, at the moment, in defining the meaning of “good.”) Remember Pandora’s Box?  Without all the bad feelings, we would never have had hope.  Hope is only possible in the context of all the bad feels.  And it is a wonderful feeling that I am grateful to feel every day.

It’s silly to dismiss negative feelings entirely. Even if we could, I don’t know that we should. I would posit that selectively indulging in sadness can provide legitimate benefits. If we survive some kind of hardship and, well, perhaps not suffering, but at least frustration and anger,  we generally have better perspectives and ability to enjoy the good times.  It’s not good when life is too easy.  It’s relieving to release tears.  

If the hurt runs deeper and we find ourselves the victim of a painful experience, we can still find a small amount of solace in unhappiness…until we are able to deal with the horror itself. 

We humans even get a twisted pleasure out of the very feeling of being unhappy.  Like a mild masochistic pain, such as how I feel when my eyebrows are waxed.  It hurts—but it’s a GOOD hurt.  Or it feels good to me.  

But we’ll never feel the good feelings, certainly not achieving true “happiness,” unless we force ourselves to rise higher. We cannot control our circumstances, though we can find ways of modifying them.  But we can’t control all of it.  

So what happens when the bad things happen? When we inevitably feel sad, or worse? I believe it is our choice if we strive for happiness, or fall into sadness; or if we choose to actively fight for unhappiness, afraid to see what would happen to us if we let our perceived wrongs fall by the wayside.   

If we want to be generally happy, versus generally sad, I believe we need to actively make decisions that bring us happiness.  We need to breathe.  We need to count our blessings, and, yes, when I needed it, I mentally recited every good thing that happened to me that day.  Silly, but effective. It helped so much!  Write it down, and recall your list on cloudy days.  Do what it takes for you personally.  Because we need, in some form, to say, “I am going to be happy,” and affirm that statement by making positive choices.  Like love languages, I believe there are “happiness languages,” too.  

I found mine around the age of twenty-seven, something about that age, at least in my family, is when we stop being total idiots and figure ourselves out. At least to some extent.

I discovered that being happy, well, made me happier.  What purpose, I asked, does being unhappy serve me?  I used to have answers that I found acceptable.  The answers were no less valid.  Still.  I stopped accepting those answers.  Yes, I told myself, unhappiness still gave me something; but it no longer gave me enough.  Sadness, even misery, can provide.  But it can only provide so much.  The older you get–  and no need to grow up too quickly!—the emptier those indulgent feelings get. That’s nice, your inner angel/demon says.  Now what? 

Choosing happiness fulfilled me beyond my considerably active dreams and imaginings.  I began assuming those who loved me were trying to make me feel warm and fuzzy, instead of assuming the worst.  I attempted to take compliments at face value; not immediately twist them into an attack.  That took real effort.  It’s second nature to me, today, to instantly work out the positive in a situation; to find at least one solution to a problem.  I am unsure that I am a natural optimist; part of my progression involved surrounding myself with optimists.  I do credit myself with some natural optimism, however.  

I’d like to think I age like a fine wine or a brandy.  That I am better (even more attractive?) as I grow older.  Because I AM happier. I rarely feel “unhappy,” anymore. Instead, I feel angry, frustrated, disappointed.  A myriad of negative emotions, yes, but I can actually feel them.  My mind isn’t filled with vague “unhappiness.”  I can feel other, more validating emotions.  Heck, I even have time for the stupid, petty ones!  And can learn about those petty emotions, too, as I learn do deal with myself and others.  It actually helps me with my self growth.  Sometimes, okay, a lot of time, I even feel positive ones.  Imagine that!

I just don’t have time for unhappiness, anymore. Not that pure, unadulterated, wave of sadness washing over me.  There’s too much else I want to feel.  

Not to mention, with the state of the world as it is—and I acknowledge the bad, even as I believe society truly has progressed so much and we should feel good about it!—we don’t have time to just be unhappy, anymore.  

There is far too much to do.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

i don’t “sign up” for anything but memberships

I didn’t sign up for you to never change

I didn’t sign up for you to be bisexual or poly or mono or 

anything

I didn’t sign up for you to be who you are

– a poem by the kitty

“I didn’t sign up for this!” 

I hate this phrase.  That’s very likely true.  Unless you’re a fan of 50 Shades of Grey and that’s how you do relationships.  Three month contracts, no guarantee of renewal.  Or something similar.  I’ve never actually known of a real life contract, although supposedly my one friend had one with her dom.  But I never actually asked her about it.  After which it led to the blowup of my existing polyamorous community…more trouble than I knew what to do with…

I shortly discovered the kinky community, for what it’s worth. And, somehow, contracts were not so big a deal there. None of the people I met really used them, or, if they did, they understood that it was more of a guideline than a legal contract.

Because that’s not how this works.  That’s not how any of this works.  

50 Shades is a fantasy.  Most kinksters I’ve met and spoken with agree on that point. You are free to disagree. Everyone will have differing opinions, of course.  This is the reality I have always observed, however.  Contracts in kinky life don’t work any more consistently than contracts in vanilla life work (see Exhibit A:  Every messy divorce fight that results from a failed marital contract, yeah, contracts sometimes work, but they are certainly no guarantee)*

Relationships are based on trust.  Contracts are based on an inherent lack of trust; if I do not sign the contract, I have no faith in the terms being carried out.  Business wise?  That is good business.  I want solid, specific expectations on delivery and compensation.  Fuzzy, gray lines rarely turn out harmonious when conducting business transactions.  Trying to contractualize feelings, on the other hand, is a little harder.

My relationships aren’t subscriptions and they aren’t a formalized inherent distrust of each other. 

“Signing up” for a relationship, for me, is just agreeing to be in one.  I do like having some kind of formal relationship talk, because otherwise, I find I just slip into relationships.  Without even realizing it. That’s great when we’re naturally on the same page, but that doesn’t always happen.  And then there’s conflict.

But relationships are less an “agreement” and a “contract” when I’ve found them most pleasant and harmonious. And, hey pleasant harmony might not be for you, so by all means feel free to ignore my advice if you prefer fighting and conflict. Instead of an “agreement,” my relationships are a “series of negotiations and renegotiations.”

What does that mean?

Let me be very clear and, hopefully, simple. I want to talk to you about what you want.  I want that to be allowed to be flexible and changing, as we change and grow.  Sometimes the person changes with me.  Sometimes they change apart from me.  Relationships, for me, are fluid, evolving entities.  

If you change, YOU are your first priority. If I wish to be with you, it is my responsibility to adjust to match you, move on, do as I please– but it is not on me to somehow get you to change your mind about who you are/what you want/what you do in order for you to be good enough for me. Or, worse, on you to change any of the above so that I feel you properly considered ME as your most important person. Because whatever you should do should take ME into account first (blech).

Sometimes I might like how you “change” (or at least change from my perception). Sometimes I might hate it. Regardless, I will never get mad at you for being you. Because you never promised me to always be the same, and if you wanted to make that promise, I wouldn’t let you. Well, I wouldn’t date you, anyway.

So, no, I didn’t “sign up” for you to be polyamorous or monogamous or bisexual or anything else.

She didn’t “sign up” for a life with children with you.  It’s true she said she wanted them…but then she changed her mind. He didn’t “sign up” for the two of you to be together for a certain duration of time.  Although he told you he wanted it to be forever.

True, it is doubtful I’ll even embark on a journey with you, if I don’t find you respectful, open minded, creative, etc, but I will tell you at the start that the only thing I want to sign up for is an adventure together.  The rest?  We’ll figure out along the way, or we won’t, and it’ll fall apart quickly or slowly.  Whatever the case may be. 

Because few things are forever and even less have any guarantee. Not that it matters. Because, again, nothing is forever.

So, if you want children with someone? Don’t press them for an answer, but find out if they are the type that love and cherish children. Do you see evidence that they want to be a mother, a father? Or do you only see her own mother, pressing her to be a mother, too? Do you only see him envisioning passing on his genes, with no consideration of actually spending time with his kids?

Watch him. Does he play with his nieces and nephews? Or does he brush them off, like annoying little insects? When you ask if he wants to be a dad, do his eyes light up? Do they focus, softly but intently on you? Or is he distracted and brushing you off with, “Of course I do.”

It’s easy to get a subscription agreement. A simple click. A simple yes. Gaining loyalty is another matter.

If you decide you don’t want [insert important life thing] after all, that is your prerogative.  If you decide you want to be monogamous, or you want to alter your life from polyamory to strictly swinging?  Well, I believe that mono/poly relationships are very sustainable, although not something that would usually work for my circumstances.  I’d support your new direction. 

That is your life.  You didn’t lie to me (I hope!), but things are different now.  If you change, you change.  That’s life, for me.  I expect you to change.  I want you to change.  I’d hate for you to stay static for your entire hundred something years of life.

Who you are isn’t about me.  It’s about you.  It’s what attracted me to you, yes.  Ultimately, it’s your choice, because it’s your mind and body.  What you do with it is what you need for you.  I never want you to compromise on your basic self.  Not for me.  

Sometimes this will mean our relationship ends.

That is sad, but that is very much life. Or at the very least it changes, perhaps to the point where it barely feels like it exists.  I hope that doesn’t happen. I hope I will stay a part of your journey.  But if you don’t?  Well, that sucks but you didn’t “sign up” to be with me forever. 

I wish you the best, as you journey on without me.  Or I wish us the best as we travel down the same path.  Either way, I’ll be happy for you. I can’t promise you forever, but I can promise you this.

Oh, eventually, yes, if I want some kind of security and understanding in a relationship, I’ll have to provide commitment.  I just don’t want it to be the same kind of “commitment” as I have with Netflix.

…please share your stories of how your relationships evolved!

*I may dive into this idea at a later date.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

how kink changed my identity in ways vanilla life never did

I owe a lot to kink.

Kink has not only helped me realize who I am… it forced me.  Sometimes it’s influence is the barest hint of a breath.  Sometimes it is a violent gale.

The more I learned about my kinky self and the kinky world, the more I love and accept myself.  The more secure I feel in my own happiness.  Kink isn’t a solution, at least I don’t see it that way.  Kink, however, can be an incredibly powerful tool.

And I used it to learn.

I learned consent. Desire. Needs. The difference between the two. How to recognize others’ needs and wants. How to balance the needs and wants of various people (i.e. relationships.)

I didn’t have to do this. One can live a very nice, satisfying vanilla life, without questioning themselves.  Without any self analysis. But I wanted to learn about love and life and relationships. And, whatever you might want to say, a kinky and poly lifestyle is a fantastic tool to educate yourself on those subjects.

One can live a very nice, satisfying kinky life, too, without thinking too much— but I wouldn’t recommend it.

I might be friends with vanilla folk who I can tell aren’t introspective.  I won’t do more than a cursory smile and nod with kinksters who are the same.  The blowups are too dramatic and too common, and come too quickly when you involve the sort of relationships I do (the evil ones that involve EMOTIONS with MORE THAN ONE HUMAN BEING!  The horror, I tell ya.) 

I can only ignore so much.  All those things that bothered me slightly in vanilla relationships can do SO much more damage and HAVE done so much more damage in my kinky, poly relations.

Because it’s one thing in a vanilla relationship to ignore consent (still not good!). But failing to find a rope partner who understands consent and safe relationship practices can get you killed. Or at any rate damaged and broken (and broken and damaged people are still beautiful, but they don’t deserve to be that way in the first place!)

So, kinky or not, I would hope anyone might peek into the kink community. If only to learn.

It’s simply too easy to live a vanilla life and not learn and still be perfectly happy. If you follow the basic guidelines, it’s more or less set out for you— dating, engagement, married, home, kids, live till death do you part.  That’s good enough for plenty of people. 

Vanilla life DOES have the potential to break down in the most extraordinarily impressive ways (think of the worst divorce you ever came into contact with, with all parties viciously destroying each other).  But not every incompatible couple suffers that fate.  

So, please, do educate yourself on kink! Because nothing, I promise you, will open your mind like understanding this beautiful and strange world!

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

we’re our choices, not our destinies

Are some of us superbeings?  

Stronger, faster, able to leap tall buildings?  More capable of empathy, love, devotion, honesty?  Are some of us more perfectly suited to succeed and be happy?  Some would say that those of us that fall into a terrible place did so because it couldn’t be helped.  They pity these people, or despise them.  At worst, the racists and elitists think they are better than the idiot poor folk who are no good for anything.

Sometimes I would agree.  Sometimes the circumstances are beyond anyone’s strength.  Other times, I’m not so sure (certainly I don’t believe that some races or cultures are superior to others, unless your culture involves treating people like dirt).

Sometimes I’ve done better in life, comparatively speaking.  Sometimes I have done worse.  I didn’t know if it was me, if I just wasn’t good enough at something, or I was particularly good at something.  I just hoped I was doing the best I could.

I may sound corny, but I sincerely believe all humans are created equally.  

I was not predestined to succeed, while others destinies were to fail. It is what happens afterwards that changes us, and some of us overcome and some of us become broken.  I hold no anger or judgment or superiority toward anyone, unless the person truly deserves it.  

Because you see, I happen to have a doppleganger of sorts. Someone whose life very closely mirrors mine. Only we both made slightly different choices. And, now, ten years later, we are in very, very different positions in life. In every single respect.

I swam, where she- and others- sank, for three reasons. A bit of luck. The choices I made. And the support I chose to keep around me.

Do you think you’d be happier if you stuck your hand in a fire, or kept it out of harm’s way? 

Why would our emotional choices be any different?  

Why would we think we could be happy, while making destructive choices? We may think we’re superhumans, and some days, we are, indeed.  But mostly, I’ve observed, we’re just human.  We can only do so much to overcome our own self sabotage.  

I’ll readily admit some of us, myself included, have superficial advantages— and they aren’t meaningless, either.  Some of us are born wealthier.  Some of us are “prettier,” in the sense of being blessed (or cursed?) with Hollywood beauty.  (I suppose, with males, one would say “handsomer.”  I’ll call anyone pretty, though.)  Some of us are “smarter,” again, in the sense of being, perhaps, genetically inclined to be good at math and science and all the “traditional smarts.”

But it isn’t the smartest, richest, or prettiest among us that are always the happiest.

And none of us are born more inherently able to be happy.

Perhaps some of us are stronger or even “better” than others. I have no interest in making a judgment call one way or the other. It doesn’t matter.  One person isn’t capable of changing and shedding our worst selves, while another is just “not able to handle it.”  

I’ve changed.  I could have resisted, hell, at times I have resisted!  But I gave in, because it was move forward– or stop dead in my tracks.  Letting everyone else pass me by.  I’ve seen other people change, too, as they overcame personal challenges.  Even so-called impossible challenges.  

If SOME of us are “good” enough or “strong” enough to do it, we ALL are good enough.  Whatever that means.  Some of us might not have the support system or resources to be able to do so confidently or safely.  But we’re all capable, with a bit of help.

Oh, and for what it’s worth, yes, some of us have done worse things than others or feel more negative qualities. It’s okay. Our toxic qualities don’t define us.  I still haven’t gotten rid of all of mine, but I’m working on the pieces of myself I love least.  Social toxicity is something toxic that society teaches us is healthy but hurts ourselves and others. All of us have to work our way through that, at some point.

None of that matters. Because we are still in charge of what happens next.

I don’t believe that any of us cannot choose our own paths.    

We are all given the same chance to make ourselves whatever we want— although some of our paths may be harder to walk along than others.  We all have our own curious mix of what we like, love, and hate. If you are not on the path you want, and you are doing all you can, maybe you need some help. Everyone needs help, but–

I have learned, whether it is true or not, that we are our choices, not our destinies.

I hope that is a comforting thought.