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when your friend objects to going to munches

They tell you they can’t meet you at munches.

They’re too introverted.

They are scared to go to a munch.

They don’t think they’d fit it.

…but they want to date you, a kinky person.

And for a lot of us, that means meeting at munches. Not coffee shops. Not our homes, or their homes. At a munch, surrounded by friendly, open kinky folk. That’s important to some of us. Maybe they have sincere objections, which you should honor. But sometimes they just have excuses…and I happen to have responses to some of the usual, thanks to a dear friend of mine.

Hello, dear reader!

Need a response to your friend/prospective partner/etc’s objection to munches? Sometimes this requires more thought and conversation…but sometimes a simple answer suffices. I hope this comes in handy when the next person messages you on Fetlife, asking you to meet, but “not at a munch because [insert above reason]”!

Love, Kitty

From the lovely @artificialdeath (20 NB Brat, Fetlife contributor)

I know multiple people who deal with messages from people who are simultaneously determined to come to our local munch and also… not come to our local munch… and tbh it’s tiring. So, if you’re messaging me because you want me to hold your hand through your exploration of the kink scene, here’s a handy little list to refer to first. 

I’m shy!
You have a Fetlife account and you’re actively messaging people, that’s not shy. You’re getting there! Besides, if you want to socialise as much as you do, you’ll get over it. I’m sure most people (myself included) have had the same experience. 

I have really bad social anxiety/depression/whatever!
You aren’t the only one! Get therapy or do what helps you. The kink scene isn’t a replacement for professional help and neither are the people in it. 

I don’t know anyone…
And you’re not going to with that attitude! 

… so could we meet beforehand?
Sounds like a long winded way of asking me out but okay. 

But I’ve never been to a munch before!
Ever been out for drinks? Had dinner in a restaurant with friends? You’re sorted. 

I’m scared I won’t fit in…
We’re all misfits, it’s chill. It’s the kink scene, not bloody Mean Girls.

What if there’s loads of people?
There won’t be – it’s a munch. If there’s too many people for you to cope with you’re allowed to leave at any time, self care comes first. We’ll just appreciate you coming along at all tbh. 

I don’t want to feel awkward.
Message the munch organiser! Odds are someone can meet you early and do introductions and all that. 

But I’m scared to message the munch organiser.
But you messaged me and I’m equally a stranger! This one always hits me in the giggledick. 

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[sub] drop IS an actual thing, thanks

Note: It’s possible that doms can experience a form of drop, but this is really about sub drop.

I’ve read, time and time again, about sub drop. Which is great that we talk about it. But also— we kinda talk about it like it’s something we indulge in simply because we feel like it.

“I had a great scene yesterday. And then today I dropped— because why not?”

Like sub drop is some silly CHOICE one makes. A choice for which we have to playfully apologize.

Nope.  Drop IS real.

Not just a “valid feeling,” either, though nothing wrong with other things being valid feelings.  But sub drop?  Is a physical reality.  It’s in our minds, yes, but it isn’t something we created from nothing. It’s a drop in the happy chemicals that actually make us FEEL happy.  By in our minds, I mean, how our brains function.

I’ll use a drug that interferes with how our brain feels happiness to help illustrate.  Ecstasy.

Here’s how it works:

MDMA causes greater release of serotonin and norepinephrine than of dopamine.91 Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays an important role in the regulation of mood, sleep, pain, appetite, and other behaviors. The excess release of serotonin by MDMA likely causes the mood-elevating effects people experience.

By releasing large amounts of serotonin, MDMA causes the brain to become significantly depleted of this important neurotransmitter, contributing to the negative psychological aftereffects that people may experience for several days after taking MDMA.…

Basically, the drug artificially forces your brain to produce happy chemicals. But because it produces so much, it gets burned out. So— a day or so later— it’s still not where it would be naturally. And it’s fucking difficult to feel happy. Heaven forbid something bad happen, and you spin into a negative cycle and THEN try to make yourself feel happy with your brain screaming at you that IT CAN’T DO ANYTHING AND WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO IT???

Orgasms produce the same happy chemicals. My partner wrote this which gets more into a description of those chemicals. If you push and push your body and brain past what it can handle (like in a really amazing scene), you’re going to end up depleting those resources.

So, yes, aftercare is great.  But it won’t stop your drop, unless your Dom(me) can rewire your brain.

Replenishing water and salt from all the sweat loss helps you feel better. Being held afterwards to soothe hurt bodies and feelings— yeah, we might love to be degraded and abused, but a lot of us need sweet words after that to make us feel like we’re okay— helps a lot (skin to skin touch produces oxytocin, but that might be burnt out, too, I’m not entirely sure how oxytocin works). 

No amount of aftercare is going to change the fact that you’re worn out your mind and body— and you WILL feel a drop if you’ve pushed yourself that far.  It isn’t a silly choice or a flaw. It’s physiology. Unless you have a brain that works differently than every other humans.

The first time I depleted my brain completely of those chemicals, I didn’t know what was happening.

I felt absurdly happy as I shot a load of chemicals through my brain. It’s like floating. And I experienced slight ups and downs, afterward, as my body adjusted.

Then about 48 hours later, I felt something weird.  I thought whatever I would feel would happen maybe a day after, the crash people warned me about.  But it took me two days.  Seemingly out of nowhere, the “drop” happened.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing mattered. That the world was empty, too. I knew things weren’t that bad, logically. I hadn’t lost all sense of everything. I could recite the good things in my life, no problem. But I had no serotonin. None. I couldn’t even feel bad, I didn’t feel at all. I felt…cold? Lukewarm.

Sub “drop” doesn’t happen after every scene.  Sure, most (cough, all) times I play with my master, or anyone, I need a little comfort afterwards.  It’s not really comfort, though, but more that I need that feeling of someone’s body against mine.  And I like the reassure, after I’ve been humilated and degraded (something I absolutely love) of being told that I am sweet and loved and beautiful and all the mean words were just said in fun, because of how my body responds.

But sometimes it truly is a drop.

It happened to me, again, after this amazing, fantastic weekend with a former lover of mine and M’s.  I didn’t feel good, after she left, and it wasn’t because I didn’t like having her with us or because I missed her.  I just felt…bad.  I didn’t even want physical intimacy and I couldn’t figure out why.

Until, I don’t know if we talked it through or I remembered, or he did.  At any rate, we figured out that after the extreme pleasure I’d put my body through, I needed a break.  That my brain needed time to replenish.  That I got so much from both of them, but now, having only one person beside me somehow felt lacking.  Of course, I felt fine later and the one on one time became just as intense as ever.  Still, I needed to remember what drop felt like and give myself time to recover.

Don’t forget, that unlike a pill, sub drop involves a heightened (and relaxed) emotional experience.

Whatever I felt with the pill, it was intensified with the experience with my unicorn.  Because feelings were involved.  Not only are you feeling a lack of love and happiness— there are also a million different emotional aspects.

Maybe the person who used you— I’m assuming in a good way here— isn’t really there for you enough. Not through any negligence, but they just aren’t that available. Maybe you pushed yourself too quickly with someone you didn’t trust. Maybe you know they are going to travel for a long time.

Whatever the reason, it is very likely that it will exacerbate the strain that you’re already feeling from the lack of the chemicals that you NEED to even be ABLE to feel good.

So, in conclusion,

YES we experience drop (especially as the sub who experiences the orgasm, although I won’t say that a dom COULDN’T do the same thing). YES, it’s real. And NO, we can’t do anything about it, except to nurture ourselves through it until our bodies heal.

And what to do about it? We can’t choose when it happens or where. We shouldn’t feel bad that it hits us “too late” or at at an inconvenient time. We can learn our bodies and estimate when it might hit us— but that’s probably not a realistic goal. We can try to have someone around to hold or or at least talk to us, while we feel cold and frustrated and unable to do anything about it.

But can we please stop feeling bad about feeling bad? Kthxbye!


If you’d like to read more:

My friend, @White_Asian2, wrote a piece about happy chemicals and drop!

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your name is your secret to share

Here, my name is Kitty.

It started with my master, although he only helped bring it to the surface. I’ve tried other “names,” submissive, slave, playmate. Some work, some don’t. Some work circumstantially.

In my other life, my Real name is one I’ve always loved. Growing up, I thought it was a “lovely and unusual” name, a phrase I read in Rebecca. I appreciated the names in that book, as they played an unusually large part in the novel. The narrator never says her name, only indirectly offering it when someone tells her, “You have a lovely and unusual name.” While it is more common now, growing up nobody had my name. (Except cats. I shared my name with a a lot of cats.)

I feel a bit different when called different names. Kitty mellows me. Calling me by my own name pleases me. Calling me “honey” or “sweetie” (with very rare exceptions, you know who you are) annoys me. If you use the alternative spelling of my name, I might think less of you. Calling me certain names will put me into subspace, to the extent that I may have trouble coming if I’m not degraded in a specific manner.

Do not feel bad for wanting to conceal a private name between you and a partner.  Do not worry about making up superflous names.  Do what pleases you, because, of all things in life, your name is yours to do with as you like.  

….names are fascinating, no?

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what is kink?

Well, that’s not so easy to answer.

I could say, rope play, impact play, dressing up in latex and leather, whips, doms, and dominatrices. It’s true this is the most common description of kink, and quite a valid one, but it’s not all of it…

I can describe for you one kinky life of a kitten and her master. One who dominates her through sheer will and mental control. But that is not even the whole of the relationship between a master and their pet. It might involve more sadism, or more pet play (something which this kitten does not do.)

For now, I will simply say that Kink is play.

If your intimate and sexual life involves play with one or many, than I say, that’s kinky. However you practice and however you play. Not the stupid mind games too many practice in the vanilla world that only hurt those involved, generally non consensually, in the games.

No, this is fun play. Or serious, as it might be, but enjoyable, consensual, and, well, free. Free to be whomever and however one pleases. After that, don’t worry about how kinky you are; if what you do “qualifies” as kink; or if you are experienced enough in your fetishes and interests to be a “true” member of that community. Just have fun.

That is kink in a nutshell.