So I hear today is National Metamour Day? What is a metamour, you ask? Well, actually it’s pretty simple: A metamour is like an in-law.
I am not perfect, by any means. But when I strain my recollection, as far back as I can remember, I cannot isolate a single incident of ever wanting to be anyone but me. I’ve never watched a romantic comedy and thought anything but, “That was fun, but thank God I’m not that person. I like my own romantic life much better.”
I’ve never been envious of celebrities. If anything, I respect many of them, but I also pity them a bit. For always having someone on their case about their hair, their teeth, everything. Especially the ones that got fucked up as child actors.
I am, truly, happiest being myself.
I have a penchant for chocolates from this one chocolate shop. I don’t know if it’s the best chocolate; I just like the people and the shop. Being in that shop makes me crave chocolates, not because I need sweets, but because of their passion towards chocolate making. Chocolate is who they are.
I hardly have lesser expectations when it comes to my interactions with people. I think being “me” whoever you are is amazing. I want to talk about whatever you are most passionate and knowledgeable. Sure, we can talk about other things, but I definitely want to learn about your most “you” qualities and interests.
I just have one teensy, tiny confession. I am sincere when I say I wouldn’t switch lives with anyone–
But I might want to be Mary Poppins.
I don’t know if Mary Poppins is a faerie, an alien, a witch, or something else entirely. I’ve read all, or most, of the stories– and I’m still uncertain of Who She Is. I don’t think anyone knows. I am, however, fairly sure I could be happy being her. No regrets.
I imagine myself soaring through the air with my fantastic magic carpetbag and an umbrella to shade me from the harsh sun. Until I found a home and children for whom to care and help nuture relationships between themselves, their parents, and their family.
I feel like I could be everything that is me, but with magical abilities.
I try, in my own little way, to create my own magic. Still, it might be a little easier as Mary Poppins. I’d stick gold paper stars on the sky to create new constellations. I’d take my friends on an adventure and explore all of a town’s graffiti.
I could be my most caring, loving self– but with a little extra help. I am an AWESOME mom, aunt, friend, artist, and partner– and I know it. Yes, that can make me a bit arrogant, but I know my value (as does Mary Poppins.) I am the person that people feel comfortable confiding in. I’ll listen, and if you ask, I will stay quiet and let you do all the talking– but at the same time I’ll assess the situation to offer practical advice proven to work in similar situations.
I’d be the person to help you through your day. Add a spoonful of sugar to your sour moments. I’d hold you and comfort you to sleep. Of course one of my lacking qualities is that I likely couldn’t stay forever. Yet I would stay you with for a while, as long as you needed to be able to care for yourself without me around. Or perhaps a very long time. Until the wind changes…
…who would you be if you could?
Chocolate is a flavor. Kink is a flavor.
Ice cream is a thing. Sex is also a thing.
No, I won’t give you my whole cookie!
Call me spoiled, a little, a brat. Do as you please. I am not going to feel bad for only give you part of my cookie. This is my only cookie. It’s very special to me.
I don’t want to give you 100%!
I don’t want to give you everything or be your everything!
I don’t want to spend every waking moment with you!
I DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU MY WHOLE COOKIE.
Okay, so you need more. Somehow, some way. I don’t even know that you know what that means. You won’t tell me. You think I should just know, intuitively, but I don’t. I think I’m giving, or at least offering, quite a lot.
Maybe I’m wrong. I’m offering you affection, a listening ear, adventures, quality time with just the two of us, just to list a few– everything I’ve been told is good and meaningful in a relationship PLUS a few extras.
Is that not enough to want to spend some intimate time with me? Give me a bit of commitment and priority? I’m not even asking for your whole cookie; it isn’t as if I’m being a hypocrite.
Do you need every last crumb of mine?
If you do, I’m sorry. I feel bad. But I can’t do it. I can’t give you all of my cookie. I need a little bit that’s just mine. I am very good at sharing. I’m one of the best! But sharing doesn’t mean taking everything from me, does it?
Although it’s funny that you accepted such a little crumb from the last person to whom you gave your whole cookie and they just consumed it and left you empty…but a quarter of MINE, upfront, isn’t enough to merit anything at all from you. But, anyway, that’s irrelevant and I shouldn’t have mentioned it.
I won’t give you more, just because you demand it. I will give you exactly much as I CHOOSE to give. I might give someone else a bigger piece of my cookie. That is my right. You don’t like it?
Fine. Find someone else. I’m not losing anything.
…oh, you left. That’s sad. Now I’m sad. But— at least I have this yummy cookie. And these other lovely people with whom to share that delicious delicacy.
*takes a deep breath and recovers*
Yes. I still have my cookie. Plenty of it. And I always will, because, let me reiterate for those in the back:
I. Will. Never. Give. You. My. Whole.
(Yes, this is what happens when I let my “little” out…don’t worry, she’s worked herself up into a state of exhaustion and is now happily napping.)
I’ve said before I don’t believe in one twue ways. It’s more accurate to say I believe in many twue ways.
The perfect Twue Way for You.
I like to bake.
One day, you ask me to bake you a cake. Just “a cake.” Oooookay. I mean, I’ll do it quite happily. But forgive me for thinking that’s a bit of an open ended request.
I arrive at your birthday party with an ice cream cake, or a lemon cake, or even a stack of brownies in a cake-like shape. Depends on what I’m feeling. Chocolate, strawberry, white, yellow, confetti…it’s all good. I’m a lover of any cake, though I do have my favorites for my own consumption.
But I think we can all agree I failed if I show up on your doorstep with an organic vegetable loaf.
But maybe you are more particular about what cake means to you.
Which is absolutely acceptable. Just because you are more limited in what kinds of cake work for you, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Red velvet cake is delicous to many of us, but not if you have an allergy to red food dye.
You can like any sort of cake you like, in any fashion you like. I promise you that it’s okay. There is no wrong kind of cake to like. There may be more “impossible” cakes that you are unlikely to get quite right in a thousand years; but if you have the patience? No need to eat a cake that isn’t satisfying, when, after all, cakes are a luxury and an excess. Wonderful, but not necessary to live.
But sometime problems arise when you want a certain kind of cake– but you put in all the “wrong” ingredients.
You see, cakes are rather dependent on the ingredients you put in them. You may not notice if someone substitutes maple syrup for vanilla extract (depending on the recipe). But you are less likely to be fooled if they put in cocoa powder and you wanted lemon cake. Recipes exist for a reason, though they may be toyed around with, of course. Most recipes are something of a guideline.
Within reason. You see, if you want chocolate cake, you don’t make it with lemons. And you certainly don’t do so– and then scream HOW YOUR CAKE ISN’T RIGHT AT ALL AND WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR. Maybe try using cocoa instead of citrus?
Same with Relationships.
If you want a Relationship to be a certain kind of Relationship, you do have to do Some Things Right. Or else you run into a series of struggles, disappointments, and heartbreaks (which are inevitable, to some degree, but that isn’t what you want your whole life to be, is it?)
Want that perfect submissive girlfriend? Mass messaging women on Fetlife is not really the best way to go about it. I mean, sure, if you bake a cake at 10 degrees F, it’ll probably eventually bake into a cake….and if you message ten thousand women, maybe one will get back to you and turn into your ideal girlfriend. It could happen.
If you think you’re just guaranteed for the recipe to turn out right, with no concern with what you throw into the batter, well, good luck with that.
The possibilities are endless—
–but the paths that will lead you to YOUR perfect cake might not be.
Of course there are slight variations that won’t make much of a difference. Add a spice or bake it a few minutes more or less. Substitute a couple of ingredients. Cake baking is an art, not a science. Art doesn’t have only way to be art.
But if I dump a bucket of water on a piece of paper, do you think it’ll magically turn into a gorgeous Monet-esque watercolor? It is no different with cakes or relationships. Certain…choices have a greater or lesser chance of resulting in a desired outcome.
I don’t care about what kind of cake you want. I don’t care what kind of cake you have. But you probably care…
And so I hope you think about the path you are creating. The recipe you are following. What is it you want? What is it that you are doing to get what you want? Are the two in alignment? Do they -generally- work for those who try that method? Or do they -generally- fail?
For what it’s worth, it’s okay to criticize how I make my cake. In a respectful manner. It’s okay to gently point out, “Hey, maybe you should try doing it a little differently? What about doing this technique?” You’re not screaming, “Don’t eat that cake, it’s disgusting!” You’re merely using your own experience to help me create my own, perfect cake.
Oh, relationships are far from perfect!
Still, I think it would be amazing if we all worked together to improve the recipes and got as close as possible to our vision of perfection in our confections.
Because, sure, sometimes you follow the recipe and you forget something. Or the oven is a little different than the one you used before. Or it just doesn’t work for whatever reason. Especially when you use human emotions, behaviors, and desires for your ingredients. It’s impossible to predict the outcome, every single time.
We can stop just relying on hope, thoughts, and prayers to make ourselves happy in our romantic relationships– and, well, if icing hits the fan, that’s just inevitable. Nothing we can do to try better next time, right?
Or maybe not. Maybe we can do something. If we claim that Romance is The Most Important Thing In Life, maybe we should actually do some training towards it. We wouldn’t go to a doctor with no education, or even let a handyman come bust up our kitchen without training. But we’ll let them bust up our hearts with nothing but good intentions and a charming smile?
Relationships may be best that grow organically, so they often say. But even even a seed needs to be watered, or it will stay in the ground as a seed forever.
I just don’t see Doing Nothing But Waiting working out particularly well for more than a handful of us.
Which means we need to try Something.
By the way, I happen to know a lot of cake recipes (and far more than just the Romantic Primary Partner recipe, which, in case you’re curious, I know how to layer…)
I may never be able to build a computer from scratch; or confidently add to twenty one (despite working as a blackjack dealer); or remember which year we fought the War of 1912.
Baking cakes, though? Kind of my thing. If you ever want something in particular, please do feel free to reach out to me! I might know the perfect recipe.
“What do you mean, ‘different’?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what you have to offer me. I don’t know you. Show me something I’ve never experienced before. No— don’t simply spank me harder than any dominant has spanked me before. I can ask any dominant for that. That doesn’t spark anything in me.”