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poly? kinky? relationships are just relationships: my vanilla manifesto

I found a pretty solid “how to do vanilla romance.” I modified it every so slightly– and it worked for polyamorous relationships, too! So this is also my Polyamorous Manifesto. This guideline includes no reference to anything kinky; no swinging, spanking, anal sex– “But none of that is kinky!” you interrupt. To which I politely respond, “Maybe, but I am just being extra cautious to not introduce even the tiniest sprinkling of kinkiness, just bear with me, please.”

Ahem.  Without further ado,

The Kitty Presents:

My Vanilla Manifesto, or How To Not Be A Jerk

(modified from the original by @JessOnTheRocks, thanks for letting me use this!)

So what I do know is that good poly, woke poly, relationships requires a few things.

  1. You have to be ethically non monogamous. First and foremost. No “ask forgiveness instead of permission” people. If you’re [an]adult enough to have multiple partners, you’re adult enough to have the difficult conversations.
  2. And because of that, I prefer dating/seeing/playing with people who already have other partners. [aren’t lone sociopaths/potential serial killers who have no other people in their lives of any significance.]  Or who are currently single but on the same page. Those kind of people are better for me.


  1. If you already have [a best friend/siblings/children/insert other valid and important person in your life that maybe you aren’t dating but you make feel special and loved] a partner, especially if you normally date more than one person, you know what commitment is.
  2. You know about life [because you’re a parent/the person that manages all your family events/the friend that arranges every bachelorette party] and how it can affect your relationships at a moment’s notice.
  3. You know what scheduling means, and conflicts [because you’re a parent/the person that manages all your family events/the friend that arranges every bachelorette party].
  4. [You] recognize you have a life too and respect your limitations.
  5. [You] aren’t relying on [me] to be [your] everything.
  6. [You] look at all the other relationships as additions, not competitions, Metamours [People you care about] can become [my] friends and family.
  7. I don’t need all your time, I want some of it, and I recognize the importance of respecting your other partners [that you might have something, or someone(s), in your life that is as important, or more important, than me].
  8. People who are committed to practicing polyamory ethically [healthy relationships] don’t bother with lies and secrets. They are adults who have learned the value of communication.
  9. They do not seek to destroy that which exists, they hope to add to your life.

The latter is added by yours truly!


  1. I want relationships that respect my autonomy. Allow me the freedom to explore, and don’t make me feel bad for wanting to.

P.S. I am assuming the woman would have included the last, if she had thought of it, but I wanted to add that for myself. Still, I don’t think it conflicts with any of the above standards.

P.PS. Am I absolutely crazy for thinking this way?  

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if you want my love: a love manifesto

if you can’t love me, 

if I derive my happiness from anyone but you

if I love anyone else

if I might love anyone else

if I love someone you don’t like

if you can’t choose who I love and who I don’t

if my mind, body, and soul aren’t wholly yours but also mine

if I am only a friend and not a girlfriend

if I expect you to be complete in yourself

…then you aren’t a good match for me.

i will love you, 

because of who you are

because of what you do for me

because you bring me joy

because you choose to share your time with me

because of you

…and I will ask you to love me for the same.

i won’t be with you, 

if you choose to associate with toxic influences

if you don’t want to share your time with me

if you can’t make a commitment to me

if you can’t reciprocate what I do for you

if you can’t tell me how you feel

if it turns out we’re just not that compatible

if i can’t grow with you

…I hope you understand, but I don’t need your understanding to live my life. 


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kitty’s guide to dating kitty: my relationship manifesto

This is what I believe and how I practice.  Everyone should be able to articulate their own.  If mine works for you, feel free to steal it (but please do credit and redirect here!)

The Kitty presents:

My Relationship Values

…Every relationship I possess is unique,

and between the two or more people directly involved; and while interdependent and connected, also independent in its own right.

…Every relationship has a combination of romantic, intellectual, emotional, and chemical (chemistry) potential;

and the persons involved may choose any of the above freely, with consent of the other person in the desired relationship.

…Happiness is derived from myself, and not the relationships in my life.  

That no relationship is obligated to make up for my  lack of happiness , although a goal may be for the people in the relationship to contribute to each other’s happiness.

…All relationships need to be nurtured.

In a way that maintains or develops the intensity and degree of involvement desired by all parties.

…No relationship should be taken for granted or held to an “original agreement.”

But rather renegotiated and reconfimed along the journey.  That the relationship agreements should be regularly revisited and all parties allowed to change and grow as the person’s individual needs require.

…Relationships should be nurtured, both as a group (such as a family) and individually (between each relationship between two people, such as the mother and her child).  

This includes date nights for the adults!  This means kids should get one on one time with parents.  And this means each romantic duo ought to have time with just the two of them, nobody else.  

…I, ultimately, control my body, mind, and feelings. 

Nobody else has the right to tell me what to say, or how to feel, although my decisions may have consequences.  Nobody can do that, even if they tried.  And I will not accept anyone who tries otherwise, failing my giving them my prior consent on the matter.

…Both parties must give continuous consent on how a relationship runs, or there is no relationship. 

If the terms of the relationship change, or not favorable to one party, they have the immediate right to withdraw from the relationship, despite there being legal entanglements in some cases, which may take time to wholly disentangle.

…I should forgive and understand others, unless that person proves unworthy.  

Even still, I should treat them respectfully in the limited time I my have to be around that person.

…Relationships are valuable based on the depth of connection and strength of desire.

Rather than on the length of the relationship.  Not every relationship lasts, but that does not mean it wasn’t valuable.  And while I will often place a priority on my longer established relationships, how long we have been together is no guarantee of priority.  Nor do I expect to be given automatic preference simply because I’ve known you longer.

…Relationships come and go, but that doesn’t mean the relationship “failed.” 

It simply means that specific relationship between two people “completed.” It never means the end, until both pass from this world, and even though, we can’t be certain.

…..what are yours?