It happens. It’s normal, right? Of course it is, why wouldn’t it be in a world where jealousy is taught to us from the earliest ages. When everything around us is a competition. When we’re taught we need to be someone’s possession above all else, and they must be ours. I am his, and he is mine. A sentiment built into every moment of our lives.
We’re fucking CONDITIONED to be jealous and fight amongst each other. We’re tossed a SINGLE bouquet of flowers as a good luck charm to be the NEXT lucky bride…and meanwhile, I’m back in the hotel suite fucking the maid of honor while the rest of the girls butt heads and claw each other in a mindless fight to claim the prize. (Okay, this never happened, but it’s literally my top fantasy now)
But people still wonder how I don’t get jealous.
I get jealous, too. Envious is probably more correct, but jealousy is often used loosely. I want…okay, no. I’m sorry. I don’t. I do not feel jealous, not because I wouldn’t be hurt. Because I cannot even imagine any woman, man, or otherwise who COULD get between me and another person.
If a person leaves me, I am happy for them. If they cheated, I am grateful some other loser was willing to take out my trash. If they stay? Then I think they are lucky to have me. As they believe I am lucky to have them. And I believe we both are right.
I guess I’ve never really understood the concept of being jealous, because I don’t see my partners as “mine,” in the traditional sense. They are simply choosing to share their time, energy, even sometimes their lives with me– but in the end, we are all simply going about living our lives.
I feel about people interacting with “my” people romantically, the same way most feel when their partner chills out with a platonic friend or a family member. Or, in an unethical situation, the way others feel when their best friend’s boyfriend cheats on their best friend. Angry on their behalf, well, not angry, but like insulted? But not jealous, like if they were YOUR partner.
And don’t try to make me feel jealous. It won’t work. It’ll only irritate me, because it’ll feel like you’re playing games. And I hate playing stupid games.
But also, I think there’s something else going on, and I may as well cop to it:
Yes, I am rather arrogant. As fuck.
I say I’m not, I say I’m modest, I try to be a good, proper girl. But the truth is I listened to all those motivational poster sayings and went, “Yeah, I AM that good!” Jealous? Of what?
I love myself. I love what I am. I love every little bit of how my mind and body works (aside from the chronic pain and anxiety). I feel like I’m perfect. Not for my partners, not for anyone else. For ME.
Anyone who would choose another OVER me? Their loss. And anyone who would choose to be WITH me? Well, clearly they are so awesome that why wouldn’t others fall for them, too? Who am I to stand in the way of their happiness, since they are doing everything (or at least a great deal) to contribute to mine?
I am fucking Daenerys Targaryen. “You know what kept me standing…? Faith. Not in any gods. Not in myths and legends. In myself.”
You can accept that, or you can not. After all, it’s none of my business. Enjoy your life, I’ll enjoy mine!
(Thanks to His_slinka for encouraging me to share this! And, please share your own stories of jealousy; how it works for you; if you feel it, if you don’t; or even if you LIKE and encourage the feeling; we’re all different!)