oh, you want to be my friend? thanks, and fuck you, too

Thank you for inviting me to your special day. That being said, don’t ever. ever, ever do it again. My life is not a fucking Taylor Swift song. So let’s drop the bullshit, please.

Why did you ask me along today? Why did you want us in the same room? I didn’t want to be near you. I don’t ever want to see you. You are dog shit on the ground that I try to have enough consideration towards to avoid.

And if you do have to bring me into your presence, never, ever invite your worthless friends. So the bunch of you can happily ignore me, after inviting me for no reason at all.

Oh, sorry about that, by the way. No, I don’t know why she invited both of us to the same event. I don’t know what she told you about me, but it wasn’t good– and, no, stop. Don’t tell me I’m wrong, how you’re fine with me. I won’t extend that same courtesy to you. I think you are a bitch with violent, annoying offspring that will unfortunately carry on your traits. So don’t bother making nice with me. I don’t care about your airhead words, and I don’t want them.

Anyway, back to you. You say you want to spend time with me. That we ought to be friends. How life’s been rough, but really, it’s only brought us closer together. We ought to put aside our differences and get along. Because it’s the right thing to do.

Thank you sincerely, and fuck you.

I tried this before, remember? Ten years ago? Eight years ago? Five years ago? I. Am. Not. Doing. This. Again. I can’t. I’m not going to lower my defenses, open myself to you, just to feel the sweet sting of betrayal yet again. How stupid do you think I am?

Please do go cry to your friends how horrible I am. How nothing is good enough for me. From you, absolutely nothing is good enough. I do not way to say hello to you. I do not want to ask how your day was, because I know how shitty your life truly is and I do not want to hear about it. Nor do I want to hear your lies.

I smiled at you, today, and said, “Thanks for inviting me.”

Because I’m not cruel enough to say “Fuck you,” today. There are others that I have to consider. But that doesn’t mean it will be like this forever.

Please don’t take my gesture that to mean that I’m sincere towards you. I might, for appearance’ sake, give it a minimal effort. But I solemnly swear the first chance I have to tell you how I really feel, I will. And our “friendship” will disintegrate quickly.

I truly am not angry with you. I’m simply done. So you can court me however you like. If you are fond of self humiliation. And it won’t make the tiniest fucking difference.

So, really, we might as well give up now, right?

Photo by Diego Rezende from Pexels

dear lady whose future husband will leave her for someone who makes his heart flutter in ways he simply never dreamed of/ man who found himself having drinks with his coworker who turns out to be the true love of his life and will fulfill all his hopes/dreams/desires,

This post inspired by reading this relationship advice article from the Atlantic, “Should I Leave My Wife for Another Woman?” Feel free to read the comments on Facebook, too.

Ah, what a lovely story. Girl meets Boy. Boy is sorta into Girl.

Girl thinks, Well, he’s probably good enough and I guess I’ll love him more at some point. Boy marries Girl. Two years later, just before Girl has Baby, Boy talks to New Girl and thinks, OMG, she GETS me! I need to be with HER! I mean, that makes sense, right? (I can only assume that New Girl is equally enamored of Boy who says a few nice words to her and immediately leaves his wife and baby).

Because that’s what our culture teaches. That THIS might be an actual, normal situation. To get by with our current partner, and if we feel so much as the spark of a spark of something, well, guess that means we don’t really love the first person and better move on to the second.

I mean, being friends isn’t an option, right? Because that’s basically cheating to have an emotional connection with a woman who isn’t your wife. In for a penny, in for a pound.

And this story just keeps on happening.

One day, your husband tells you that he’s no longer in love with you. He’s unhappy in the marriage. This new woman, well, she gets him. In a way that you never have. And he simply cannot keep living this way. He has to live his own truth, you understand.

Understand that my heart hurts for you. I’m sorry this happened to you. Truly. I cannot imagine how it must feel. But also– dear God, I am tired of reading about women who married a guy who “was good enough and I figured I’d fall in love with him later.” I’m tired of couples who spend years living without any passion for each other– and then wonder why their marriage falls apart.

I am so tired of this story.

Why, time and time again, do I see videos about a husband leaving his wife for a younger woman? And girlfriends that leave their boyfriends for richer boyfriends? Of course the husband and girlfriends in these scenarios end up regretting their decisions, because, as we all know, life is fair.

By the way, no, I won’t steal your husband. However, if you’re going to accuse me, please be treating him well. Because I am the sort who will pick up a lovely piece of art from the trash and take it home– and if I don’t have the space for it, I won’t judge anyone else who grabs it. Value your prized possessions, or someone else will.

I mean, maybe there are just way too many abusive and neglectful relationships out there, that people just need to abandon relationships all the time. Except I have found it’s actually incredibly difficult to leave an abusive partner. I don’t think this is what is happening in these cases.

No, I don’t think these folk that easily walk in and out of relationships are doing so because they’ve been abused. I think many just walk intorelationships far too easily and without thinking, because too many of us are scared to be alone. So of course it’s easy to just leave.

Perhaps that needs to change.

So, dear dude who talked to a woman one time and is now potentially going to throw his life away for her,

Awesome. You know a woman is capable of talking to you, without thoughts of lust and second marriages, right? Maybe take a chill pill and just be friends with her, no?

Yes, dude, tell your wife that you are unhappy. Tell her what you are feeling. If you talk to your wife and you two cannot stand each other, than divorce. You can co-parent your child, even if you aren’t in bed with your wife every night, right?

But, also, maybe things aren’t so bad with your wife. If you and she actually had a decent conversation and tried to see if you could be good for each other, maybe it would turn out you both wanted to stay together.

And you, dear wife who somehow failed to realize anything was wrong with your marriage until it imploded,

What, you didn’t realize when he broke up with you that it was his and your friends and family that pressured him to get back with you? You never had one talk about why you broke up and why you got back together?

Maybe you did. But for everyone like you, there is another woman who broke up and got back together and never once talked about it. Just felt a false sense of victory and took that as “good enough.”

Pay attention to your marriage. If it means the world to you, than treat it like a priority, not an afterthought. Your wife (or spouse, for that matter, perhaps you are the husband in the wife’s position) is unhappy with you? Is this point in time really the first time you noticed something was wrong? You didn’t notice how he was never around in the evenings or on the weekends? How you never talked about anything?

At this point, why do you even care if he stays? What is he bringing to your life? You say you are unhappy because you have to do everything around the house and do all the childcare….so maybe don’t have that third baby with a man who doesn’t want to be around his kids or do anything with them?

And now you’re worried that he’s talkig to another woman and might leave you. Maybe you should be worried and trying to fight for him.Or maybe he’s just so insane that literally ONE evening of engaging talk with another human female is enough to make him consider dropping his whole life for her. Are you sure you want to stay married to that level of crazy?

I don’t have any solutions, but I wouldn’t mind changing the direction of our narrative that you must date a guy, any guy, to be happy.

Either spend the time and effort to make the relationship work, which means BOTH of you have to take active interest. Or let it go. Why spend all that effort on someone who isn’t even worth much to you? Nobody needs to be in a romantic relationship, much less one that doesn’t make you warm and tingly.

So, good luck with him and coworker who will jump into a relationship with him after one night of laughs and drinks (no matter that he’ll be a frazzled new dad with alimony payments). Yeah, sure, that’ll happen.

You? Go and enjoy yourself. Or at least, that’s what I would do.

Photo by schach100 from Pexels

i don’t pity unicorn hunters

I have a brief history of the term “unicorns.”  This is a larger scale complaint. The truth is, unicorn hunting extends far beyond monogamous-couples-opening-up-to-find-the-perfect-amiable-bi-girlfriend-with-no-expectations-and-desires-of-their-own. Unicorns exist beyond polyamory, doncha know?

I don’t care which unicorn you are going after.  

Could be the mythical, impossible bi girl that is equally into you and your primary partner— as well as a million other requirements— but also have no say and do whatever you want and never be important to you/be equally important to you from Day One.  

Could be the master who thinks the submissive is going to fully submit to him from the first virtual contact.  And never, ever question him.  And just generally be that “perfect subby sub.”  Oh, of course the first woman he messages will be that woman.  Heaven forbid he has to message SEVERAL women. 

Could be the woman who wants the perfect Daddy Dom who is mature, experienced, loving, and completely single with no kids after having lived a full and successful life.  Just sitting around waiting for her, I guess. Expects him to fall in her lap after flashing her…assets. Perhaps even pay her for the privilege of her company.

You can want anything you like. 

But if you are in search of a unicorn (rare or non existent), it’s not the society’s/the kink community’s/anyone else’s fault that you can’t find said unicorn.  Please, don’t complain to the rest of us about your first world struggles to find a romantic partner that doesn’t exist/barely exists.  (I’m sorry for the people who are unnecessarily mean to you about it, but they kind of have a point.)

You’re playing the lottery when it comes to this style of dating.  Don’t be surprised when you aren’t one of the winners.  

Got it?  Great.  Glad we cleared that up!

Photo by Tuấn Kiệt Jr. from Pexels

welcome to the club, curvy girl

If you’re a female presenting person who made it through the holidays without a single thought about your weight, allow me to give you a gluten free, sugar free, butter free, flavor free foodless cookie. You are, indeed, a rarity. Oh, well, at least there’s a silver lining. Sure you might have gained a few pounds that you ignored, but after all, it just makes you a curvy woman, right?

Well, I’m curvy, now what?

My first college boyfriend remarked, when I came back sophomore year, that I had “filled out nicely.” I wasn’t exactly sure how to take it, but it sounded like a compliment. I still looked more like a fashion model than a porn star. But I did look less like a prepubescent girl.

Everyone loves curvy women.  I appreciate an hourglass figure, but I rather wish I wasn’t defined by my curves. Because even when I achieved that “official woman status,” I still got left feeling empty.

“Curvy” doesn’t feel like a compliment to me, but rather another way for women to compare each other.

Nobody should feel less womanly for possessing a flat chest and no ass. We claim we wish to be seen for more than our physical attributes, yet we manage to simply find new ways of defining those physical attributes. We are so much more than our bodies, are we not?

And heaven forbid you are larger and don’t have curves! Or you have all the “good” curves, but you also have the “wrong” curves (larger stomach, bigger thighs, rolls).  

Nobody wants to see -those- curves. 

I get daily ads reminding me I need shapewear to make me look good in tight clothing. Because even at 119 lbs, I might have the “bad curves.” Oh, wear whatever you like. I’m merely irritated by the goddamn, perpetual message that we’re only beautiful when we showcase the curves that people find acceptable and sexy, and downplay the ones they find less appealing. 

That girl with the itty bitty waist and the round thing in your face? Please. Social media, photoshopped, CGI’d bodies aren’t real.

So let’s just be ourselves? Curves or no?

Show anything we like, wear what we like. And stop pretending that curves are what define us.  

Or at least admit that if you want amazing cleavage and ass– your tummy, thighs, and extra chins are part of the “curvy,” hour glass figure total package.

Photo by Noelle Otto from Pexels

no, i won’t give you my whole cookie!

No, I won’t give you my whole cookie! 

Call me spoiled, a little, a brat.  Do as you please.  I am not going to feel bad for only give you part of my cookie. This is my only cookie. It’s very special to me.

I don’t want to give you 100%!  

I don’t want to give you everything or be your everything!

I don’t want to spend every waking moment with you!


Okay, so you need more.  Somehow, some way.  I don’t even know that you know what that means.  You won’t tell me.  You think I should just know, intuitively, but I don’t.  I think I’m giving, or at least offering, quite a lot.

Maybe I’m wrong. I’m offering you affection, a listening ear, adventures, quality time with just the two of us, just to list a few– everything I’ve been told is good and meaningful in a relationship PLUS a few extras.

Is that not enough to want to spend some intimate time with me? Give me a bit of commitment and priority? I’m not even asking for your whole cookie; it isn’t as if I’m being a hypocrite.

Do you need every last crumb of mine?

If you do, I’m sorry.  I feel bad.  But I can’t do it.  I can’t give you all of my cookie.  I need a little bit that’s just mine.  I am very good at sharing.  I’m one of the best!  But sharing doesn’t mean taking everything from me, does it?

Although it’s funny that you accepted such a little crumb from the last person to whom you gave your whole cookie and they just consumed it and left you empty…but a quarter of MINE, upfront, isn’t enough to merit anything at all from you. But, anyway, that’s irrelevant and I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

I won’t give you more, just because you demand it.  I will give you exactly much as I CHOOSE to give.  I might give someone else a bigger piece of my cookie.  That is my right.  You don’t like it?  

Fine.  Find someone else.  I’m not losing anything.

…oh, you left.  That’s sad.  Now I’m sad.  But— at least I have this yummy cookie. And these other lovely people with whom to share that delicious delicacy.

*takes a deep breath and recovers*

Yes.  I still have my cookie.  Plenty of it.  And I always will, because, let me reiterate for those in the back:

I. Will. Never. Give. You. My. Whole.



(Yes, this is what happens when I let my “little” out…don’t worry, she’s worked herself up into a state of exhaustion and is now happily napping.)