trust isn’t necessary to be a fucking decent person

I’ll say it here: Trust is overrated.

It’s wonderful when it genuinely blossoms from a deep connection. A solidly built trust helps to reassure one that you are making the right decision with any given person with whom that trust is formed.

Yet at the end of the day, the only person in whom you can trust without a doubt’s shadow is yourself. Everyone else you are trusting that you can trust. Sometimes that gamble is low, but it is never zero. But, you see, that’s okay.

I rarely curse, but I’ll make an exception for this one:

You don’t need to trust me to treat me like a fucking human being.

Sometimes trust is necessary for a relationship. I cannot have children with a man or woman that I do not trust. I make that choice for myself, but also because I owe it to my future offspring. If I choose poorly, and they ask, I don’t want my answer to be, “Well, I knew I didn’t trust them, but I decided to just not think about it.” I don’t want to teach them that what I wanted (being a mother) was more important than their future (growing up feeling safe and wanted in a house with both parents that they love). Nope, not doing that. Mistakes happen, you can’t tell the future. But I’m damn well not going to try to make it miserable for them, either!

But sometimes trust is nothing more than a nice luxury between two people who don’t like each other at all, but are still living on this planet together.

Trust is a nice luxury. But it’s a bit like love and religion. It’s only real when we believe in it. You cannot hold it, touch it, do anything with it. You cannot live in it. Oh, you can in the movies and such, but in the real world, we need cold currency for rent and food.

My partner’s ex loves to use this as an excuse. “You see,” her voice drips honey, “He, and I, well, we just don’t trust each other. Without trust, we can’t work together.” It’s a nice little phrase, and the mediator happily agrees with the bland statement. I wonder if she believes in this crap or simply wants to get paid for her time and leave.

You see, my partner doesn’t actually have to trust his ex to work with her. He will never trust her again. Nor should he. But he can still honor agreements. Can still communicate with her regarding the best interest of his children. There’s no trust, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to squabble like babies while your children try to make up for your lack of maturity and self discipline. Contracts and lawyers. They make up for the lack of trust.

I don’t trust many people. But I can still work with them.

If I only worked with those I trusted, I’d be playing a boring game of hot potato. Passing money back and forth between me and five other people. You don’t have to like someone or trust them to make agreements and stick to them.

You can just work with them, for the sake of creating harmony in this world. So that other people suffer less hurt. You can smile at them and still trash them (in private!) behind their backs. Don’t do this for people you care about, of course, and try to limit those you treat in this manner.

But when push comes to shove? Let’s say you don’t trust your boss. You do, however, need a paycheck and your coworkers deserve a drama free workplace. So you smile and act polite to your boss (all while determinedly seeking a new job with a better company!)

The social contract. We abide by it for a reason. Just like with legal contracts, the social contract represents a sign of distrust. I don’t need that contract with my master, because I trust him…but he’s close to the only one I trust that much. But with most people I interact with, be it my co workers, my neighbors, etc? I don’t have the time and luxury of sitting around until our relationships are so perfect, I can simply trust them.

And it’s okay. I can be nice to them in the meantime. If I can swallow my pride and smile in the face of an abuser- because if I signal to them that I know the abuse is happening, the people I care about will be hurt- than I think most of us can do it with most people in our lives, regardless of how much we like and trust them.

Whatever the reason, whatever the circumstance.

You. Don’t. Need. Trust. to treat someone with basic kindness, decency, and respect. So let’s all grow up and do that, shall we?

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

why you can’t make me jealous

If you flirt with another?

I’ll happily curl up with you and chat with them about your new crush. If you play games, I’ll grow disinterested and wander off. If you, well, I don’t have the time to list everything you might do. But I’m sure there’s plenty of strategies.

Perhaps you think it’ll make me try harder to keep you. Or that I’ll swoon, as your jealousy warms the cockles of my heart. Jealousy is good, say the toxic TV dramas and the stupid movie plots that rely on love triangles to provide conflict. Jealousy isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It’s “proof” you are loved. Fine, some people may like that sort of thing. But it isn’t my kink, so please respect that.

You see, what you choose to do with yourself is your decision, not mine. I’d no more feel jealous of another person taking your time, than I would of my neighbor letting a cousin borrow their boat. The boat isn’t any of my business, and neither is how you choose to spend your time. When I say I don’t own you, I mean it. Not your time, energy, emotions, or body.

Of course it sparks negative feelings in me, because I’m human.

Have I been cheated on before? What a silly question. What woman (and for that matter, most men, non binary, etc) hasn’t? But I felt annoyed at the lack of respect and idiocy (I’ve always been non monogamous), not jealous. Or, at the very least, disappointed in my failure to communicate that I wanted honesty. Perhaps it was partially on me, but, nonetheless, what a waste of my compersion!

Was I upset when my dating partner left me when I stayed home one night and he met this new girl at a party? Yes. I felt the loss. Was I hurt when my ex metamour chose her asshole new husband over my partner and myself? Of course. I had, after all, been insulted.

But did I immediately jump to, “How do I win them back?” or “That slut! I’m gonna show her what’s mine!” ….honestly, I didn’t see the point of bothering. The person made it clear, in my mind, that they didn’t want me. Who was I to try to argue otherwise?

So, try to make me jealous. I dare you.

Try and make me jealous, though, as a favor. Because then I’ll know, for certain, the kind of person that you are. It’ll clear up my schedule for the honest people in my world.

And, most importantly, give me an excuse to adjust my hair…and nails…and craft that perfect, flirty message to that girl I’ve been eyeing for awhile but just hadn’t had time for…

Thanks!

Photo by Nikita Khandelwal from Pexels

we remember feelings, not events

People don’t always remember what’s happened very well. History may be real, but how we recall it is…complicated. But, as I’ve spoken with people over time, I find we all remember how we felt with a person. Whether they made us feel good, stressed, jubilant, terrified. We remember the feelings.

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the harsh realities of sunk costs vs staying with the “one whose been there for you”

This message is specifically directed to any couple thinking about opening up, but really it’s for anyone.

Unconditional love.

I’ve thought about this topic, often. And I may write more specifically on unconditional love, to elaborate on some thinkings. But for anyone who already fairly well understands the truths and fictions of unconditional love, let me leave that aside for a moment, and direct the topic towards a more practical situation.

I don’t want to argue here whether unconditional love exists. Perhaps it does. Perhaps it doesn’t. But love is more than a feeling. It is manifested in our actions. And that is what I want to talk about here. How we behave and change in love.

What is love?

Now I don’t mean strictly physical manifestations of love, though I do mean this, too. No, I mean every single form of love. Hugging a small child. Sending a text to someone to whom it brings a smile to their lips.

The Giver said love was a meaningless word. Vague. It’s not vague or meaningless in the way I use it. It means almost everything to me, from casual affection to a lifelong commitment. It’s the feeling of love, whatever that means, but more than that it is how I act and what I do with a person.

Unusual as the thought may be, I do not believe love is invincible. Because I’ve seen love break too many times. And no love is immune, nor am I speaking solely of romantic love. Any love that one traditionally thinks of as unbreakable and unconditional.

Because no love is invulnerable.

Have you ever seen those smarmy relationship videos? I’ll be honest. I like a few of them. Guilty pleasures, no? But what I want to highlight now is the ones where one person in a couple (usually a marriage) doesn’t appreciate their partner. Usually it’s the man, but not always. Sometimes the woman leaves for greener grass.

By the end of the video, the man or woman has told their newer person that they have to break up or the person ends up cheating on them, and they try to make it work with their spouse again.

Always, always the message is “Be there for the one who has always been there for you.” Which sounds nice, if you don’t think about it too deeply.

I don’t believe it, though.

I wonder if those messages aren’t there simply to reassure the left partner that the person will ultimately realize they made a mistake.

You know, the memes that say, “I’d wish the best to my ex, but they already had it.” Or the movies in which the couple breaks up, one meets someone new, and then the couple ends up back together (I’ve watched classic films with this plot line, it isn’t new.) Anything that ends with the message, as I mentioned, “Be there for the one who is always there for you.” Because it implies that they will always be there for you, and it also implies that you will always be there for them (even if it might take losing the person for you to come to this ephiphany). But I don’t know that I buy this…

That kind of messge has always felt rather Hallmark movie-esque to me. Like Calvin’s dad feels about Kodak commercials.

In real life, your partner may well have a life changing moment. But– it might not be the one you’re hoping for.

In real life, love fades. Changes. Ends. When you put your foot down and say, “It’s them, or me,” they might say, “I choose them.” In fact, I’d venture to say that based on divorce rates, that’s hardly an unusual outcome.

In real life, it’s not only about if you are there for them, it’s how you are there for them. you can say, “I’ve always been there for you,” and they might respond, “Yes. That’s the problem.”

I don’t know you or your relationship. Perhaps that isn’t you, or your partner(s), or various relationships, at all. I’m glad for you.

But that doesn’t discount the reality that I, and many of those I know, have come to expect that the new couple I met who are starting to date other people won’t be dating each other within a year. Just saying. Because I’ve seen it happen. Over and over and over again.

I don’t know what will happen to you, if you choose to open your marriage/relationship/interact with other human beings on an intimate, emotional level. But I’d like it not to be a gamble when it does happen. Or at least less of one.

Perhaps you don’t deserve to be left behind.

I’ve known people that did everything “right,” and their partner still left them. I’ve known others who I wish my friends would have left years earlier. Despite literally doing nothing good or beneficial for their partner, they got the benefit of their partner loving them unconditionally. Love isn’t always fair. But you don’t know which roll of the dice you’ll get in life. Don’t force a bad hand on purpose.

Vows and promises are meaningful words, but at the end of the day, they represent a contract. Any contract can be broken, that’s the nature of contracts.

So you know when they say don’t take you relationships for granted?

Yeah, they’re not kidding.

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dear lady whose future husband will leave her for someone who makes his heart flutter in ways he simply never dreamed of/ man who found himself having drinks with his coworker who turns out to be the true love of his life and will fulfill all his hopes/dreams/desires,

This post inspired by reading this relationship advice article from the Atlantic, “Should I Leave My Wife for Another Woman?” Feel free to read the comments on Facebook, too.

Ah, what a lovely story. Girl meets Boy. Boy is sorta into Girl.

Girl thinks, Well, he’s probably good enough and I guess I’ll love him more at some point. Boy marries Girl. Two years later, just before Girl has Baby, Boy talks to New Girl and thinks, OMG, she GETS me! I need to be with HER! I mean, that makes sense, right? (I can only assume that New Girl is equally enamored of Boy who says a few nice words to her and immediately leaves his wife and baby).

Because that’s what our culture teaches. That THIS might be an actual, normal situation. To get by with our current partner, and if we feel so much as the spark of a spark of something, well, guess that means we don’t really love the first person and better move on to the second.

I mean, being friends isn’t an option, right? Because that’s basically cheating to have an emotional connection with a woman who isn’t your wife. In for a penny, in for a pound.

And this story just keeps on happening.

One day, your husband tells you that he’s no longer in love with you. He’s unhappy in the marriage. This new woman, well, she gets him. In a way that you never have. And he simply cannot keep living this way. He has to live his own truth, you understand.

Understand that my heart hurts for you. I’m sorry this happened to you. Truly. I cannot imagine how it must feel. But also– dear God, I am tired of reading about women who married a guy who “was good enough and I figured I’d fall in love with him later.” I’m tired of couples who spend years living without any passion for each other– and then wonder why their marriage falls apart.

I am so tired of this story.

Why, time and time again, do I see videos about a husband leaving his wife for a younger woman? And girlfriends that leave their boyfriends for richer boyfriends? Of course the husband and girlfriends in these scenarios end up regretting their decisions, because, as we all know, life is fair.

By the way, no, I won’t steal your husband. However, if you’re going to accuse me, please be treating him well. Because I am the sort who will pick up a lovely piece of art from the trash and take it home– and if I don’t have the space for it, I won’t judge anyone else who grabs it. Value your prized possessions, or someone else will.

I mean, maybe there are just way too many abusive and neglectful relationships out there, that people just need to abandon relationships all the time. Except I have found it’s actually incredibly difficult to leave an abusive partner. I don’t think this is what is happening in these cases.

No, I don’t think these folk that easily walk in and out of relationships are doing so because they’ve been abused. I think many just walk intorelationships far too easily and without thinking, because too many of us are scared to be alone. So of course it’s easy to just leave.

Perhaps that needs to change.

So, dear dude who talked to a woman one time and is now potentially going to throw his life away for her,

Awesome. You know a woman is capable of talking to you, without thoughts of lust and second marriages, right? Maybe take a chill pill and just be friends with her, no?

Yes, dude, tell your wife that you are unhappy. Tell her what you are feeling. If you talk to your wife and you two cannot stand each other, than divorce. You can co-parent your child, even if you aren’t in bed with your wife every night, right?

But, also, maybe things aren’t so bad with your wife. If you and she actually had a decent conversation and tried to see if you could be good for each other, maybe it would turn out you both wanted to stay together.

And you, dear wife who somehow failed to realize anything was wrong with your marriage until it imploded,

What, you didn’t realize when he broke up with you that it was his and your friends and family that pressured him to get back with you? You never had one talk about why you broke up and why you got back together?

Maybe you did. But for everyone like you, there is another woman who broke up and got back together and never once talked about it. Just felt a false sense of victory and took that as “good enough.”

Pay attention to your marriage. If it means the world to you, than treat it like a priority, not an afterthought. Your wife (or spouse, for that matter, perhaps you are the husband in the wife’s position) is unhappy with you? Is this point in time really the first time you noticed something was wrong? You didn’t notice how he was never around in the evenings or on the weekends? How you never talked about anything?

At this point, why do you even care if he stays? What is he bringing to your life? You say you are unhappy because you have to do everything around the house and do all the childcare….so maybe don’t have that third baby with a man who doesn’t want to be around his kids or do anything with them?

And now you’re worried that he’s talkig to another woman and might leave you. Maybe you should be worried and trying to fight for him.Or maybe he’s just so insane that literally ONE evening of engaging talk with another human female is enough to make him consider dropping his whole life for her. Are you sure you want to stay married to that level of crazy?

I don’t have any solutions, but I wouldn’t mind changing the direction of our narrative that you must date a guy, any guy, to be happy.

Either spend the time and effort to make the relationship work, which means BOTH of you have to take active interest. Or let it go. Why spend all that effort on someone who isn’t even worth much to you? Nobody needs to be in a romantic relationship, much less one that doesn’t make you warm and tingly.

So, good luck with him and coworker who will jump into a relationship with him after one night of laughs and drinks (no matter that he’ll be a frazzled new dad with alimony payments). Yeah, sure, that’ll happen.

You? Go and enjoy yourself. Or at least, that’s what I would do.

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yes, i’m a submissive, even when i’m sick

“Do you suspend dynamics when you’re sick?”

I’ve most often seen this question posed towards s-types. Does your master suspend dynamics when you are unwell? And a part of me recognizes that many people do not know how dynamics work. They are curious what happens when the sub cannot “serve” her dominant. I respect this.

And, yet, I am still saddened at the implications behind the question. As if some Daddies cannot be a daddy and take care of their babygirl when she’s sick with a fever or extra tired, or just feeling a little low that day. As if a submissive cannot respect and serve her master, if he is sick and not his “strong, dominant self.” Whatever that means.

Or perhaps the question refers to those who engage in high protocol.

Which is no better. Because in those cases the “dynamics” should always be suspended. So, still not a question. “Oh, I know your hands are shaking and you can hardly sit up without coughing out a lung, but don’t forget to be waiting for me, on your knees, in full latex when I come home. Oh, and also have dinner prepared for me.”

I mean, seriously, dude. Tell me I’m wrong here, but you better have a damn solid argument as to why you are making your half drowned puppy take care of your needs, and not the other way around.

Being a dominant, in my world, means caring for your submissive when she needs it. Being a submissive means respecting your master, even if he’s sick and doesn’t have the energy to tie you up or create scenes for you.

My master is my master, always. Sometimes that means holding me when I’m sad. Or taking me to the doctor when I’m sick. He made a commitment to take care of me. I am not simply this thing to be used when I’m in proper shape to be used. Get a blowup doll, if that’s what you think it’s about.

A dominant is still a dominant -even- when they serve. A submissive is still submissive -even- when being served. True, some may Switch, but, nonetheless, they are their role when they choose or when they are inspired. Not because they are engaged in community defined “sub” or “dom” tasks.

Whatever my physical condition, I am always his most precious object. If he’s having a rough day, it’s my job to be patient and realize we might not be going to the dungeon that evening. Or even doing anything at all. It doesn’t mean we’ve “lost” our dynamic. It just means that, today, this is what it looks like.

In sickness, and in health.

P.S. By the way, my master doesn’t need me sick or injured to be caring towards me. He does it every day. And you should feel free to find a master who treats you similarly, if you desire that.

Photo by Emiliano Arano from Pexels

the opposite of blue is aromantic

We have this funny human need to define all the “types” of love. As if love fell neatly into comfortable, clear cut categories. Like, red, blue, orange, and violet.

What would you say if I asked you, “What is the opposite of blue?” Red? Yellow-orange? Or would you clarify to me, “Which shade of blue?” Not all blues are the same; there can be a blue fish upon a blue sea upon a blue sky, all distinct. Therefore the opposites of the various blues must not all be the same. I am merely drawing a logical conclusion, not trying to infer too much here. But it leads me to postulate the following:

Romance is more ambigous than the color blue. Therefore the opposite of romance should be similarly ambigious.

Some people equate romance to the physical act. To them, the only thing that separates romantic and platonic/familial relationships is physical intimacy and carnal knowledge. Yet others claim they are romantic and do not engage in any of those activities. Some people sleep with their friends. Others say that they feel romantically towards only one person that they are physically intimate with (beyond hugging and kiss cheeks), but none of the others with whom they are sexual.

Is everyone confused? Or is “romantic” more broad than we’ve traditionally come to expect? Let me pull back for a moment and consider the color blue.

If I pointed to a yellow sun and called it “blue,” you might correct me.

Because blue is something we believe we can define..and yet as I mused above, “blue” is not only one thing. Now if I apply that to our thinking towards romance…

If I said, “Roses aren’t romantic,” you might agree or you might disagree- roses are one of the default symbols of romantic love- but everyone has personal tastes regarding romance. Romance is personal.

And, so, when someone wonders, “Am I aromantic?”, I feel obliged to respond with, “What is romance to you?”

What is romance? Love? Sex? Romantic “gestures”? If I said “Rope and latex masks are romantic,” that might be closer to the truth for many of my own friends, yet that doesn’t necessarily hold true even for all within the BDSM community.

ro·mance/rōˈmans,ˈrōˌmans/Learn to pronouncenoun

  1. 1. a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.”in search of romance”
  2. 2. a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.”the beauty and romance of the night”

Wonderful, but what causes excitement and mystery to one person versus another? What captures one’s mind in a “romantic” sense versus a platonic connection? I am not seeking an answer. I don’t believe there is one. I’ll accept whatever means that word to you, even if I relate to none of it.

Whatever love and romance is, to you, influences the opposite, or “aromanticism.”

If romanticism is ambiguous, aromanticism must be equally so. What else has such a shaky foundation? I don’t know, but certainly this is at least a bouncy foundation.

Matter is a scientific reality; anti-matter may be incomprehensible to some, but I think we all understand the idea of “matter.” Even sex. Sexual and asexual have certain universal meaning, though “sex” may be similarly loosely defined.

But I don’t believe to the same degree as “romance.” Certainly to the vanilla masses, “sexual” has a “fairly” limited meaning. While even in traditional vanilla society, “romance” has vastly expanded its definition beyond “Love, Actually.” At least from my personal observations.

Call yourself whatever you wish. “Aromantic,” “romantic,” or something else altogether. I don’t know if I’m “aromantic.” I don’t know if I’m “romantic.”

I’m loving and I’m loved. Maybe that’s enough.