things you might want to avoid saying to a polyamorous person (because they might respond honestly)

Unsuspecting Person:  “I could never do that.”

Me (on a normal day): “Cool.”

Me (on a bad day): “Yeah, I’n not surprised. You’d be lucky to manage to make one relationship work.”

Me (on a worse day): “You sure that being single isn’t your thing?”

UP: “But what do you do if you have kids?  Isn’t it weird to involve them in a poly relationship?”

Me (on a normal day): “Well, I guess I’m just pretty skilled at balancing a family life AND a romantic life. AND a social life AND a hectic professional life. My life is just busy ALL the time.”

Me (on a bad day): “I mean, how do you raise kids with only two parents? Isn’t it utterly exhausting? When’s the last time you had a date night?”

Me (on a worse day): “Hey, if you involve your kids in your romantic relationship, I guess that’s your deal. But I, and all the poly folk I know, don’t bring kids into their bedroom life or romantic agreements. Just feels weird to us.”

UP: “Isn’t poly just about sex?”

Me (on a normal day): “Yep.” (conversely, “Nope.”)

Me (on a bad day): “It’s cool that your romantic relationships are about sex, but actually it’s different for me.”

Me (on a worse day): “It’s so sad that some people just can’t see that romance could be anything but physical.”

UP: “How do you find time to date more than one person? Isn’t your schedule totally crazy?”

Me (on a normal day): “It is totally crazy! I just got back from a trip to Argentina, have you ever visited the tomb of Eva Peron, so cool, and my family wants me home for my mother’s birthday, I got her this cool scarf I think she’ll love, and next week I’m off to San Francisco, and then San Diego to see one of my oldest friends, they have my favorite ice cream shop…and, sorry, what was the question?”

Me (on a bad day): “I know, it’s the craziest thing, but I make time in my life for TWO, actually even more than two, important people! I know, it’s not the life for everyone.”

Me (on a worse day): “Did you know that there are monogamous people that -sometimes- talk to someone that isn’t their significant other? I know. I was shocked when I learned this, too. They even treat these people well, they call them ‘friends,’ and value them and respect their time, just like they were in a relationship!”

Photo by schach100 from Pexels

i don’t pity unicorn hunters

I have a brief history of the term “unicorns.”  This is a larger scale complaint. The truth is, unicorn hunting extends far beyond monogamous-couples-opening-up-to-find-the-perfect-amiable-bi-girlfriend-with-no-expectations-and-desires-of-their-own. Unicorns exist beyond polyamory, doncha know?

I don’t care which unicorn you are going after.  

Could be the mythical, impossible bi girl that is equally into you and your primary partner— as well as a million other requirements— but also have no say and do whatever you want and never be important to you/be equally important to you from Day One.  

Could be the master who thinks the submissive is going to fully submit to him from the first virtual contact.  And never, ever question him.  And just generally be that “perfect subby sub.”  Oh, of course the first woman he messages will be that woman.  Heaven forbid he has to message SEVERAL women. 

Could be the woman who wants the perfect Daddy Dom who is mature, experienced, loving, and completely single with no kids after having lived a full and successful life.  Just sitting around waiting for her, I guess. Expects him to fall in her lap after flashing her…assets. Perhaps even pay her for the privilege of her company.

You can want anything you like. 

But if you are in search of a unicorn (rare or non existent), it’s not the society’s/the kink community’s/anyone else’s fault that you can’t find said unicorn.  Please, don’t complain to the rest of us about your first world struggles to find a romantic partner that doesn’t exist/barely exists.  (I’m sorry for the people who are unnecessarily mean to you about it, but they kind of have a point.)

You’re playing the lottery when it comes to this style of dating.  Don’t be surprised when you aren’t one of the winners.  

Got it?  Great.  Glad we cleared that up!

Photo by Nubia Navarro (nubikini) from Pexels

whatever you celebrate, happy holidays to you!

I say, “Happy Holidays.” I don’t do this to virtue signal. I don’t do it for ulterior motives, or a way to secretly destroy the Christmas spirit. I say this because I celebrate, well, the holidays. I know, there’s more than one. It’s a radical concept.

It’s a lot faster to say, “Happy Holidays,” than recite every single holiday I personally recognize as I pass a stranger in the mall.

I do love Christmas. It isn’t my favorite, though. My favorites are Thanksgiving and the Winter Solstice. Because of my chosen family, I celebrate the Jewish holidays, as well.

I’m the sort of person that happily takes most excusese to take a day to celebrate and reflect. Yes, even you, Valentine’s Day.

We all have days that are special to us. Even if they are not recognized universally. Maybe you like National Popcorn Day (resists urge to Google if there is a Popcorn Day; you don’t have to Google every single random thought, Kitty).

Let’s take this season to be kind and embracing- as humanly possible, while understanding that cruelty and ignorance need not always be rewarded or forgotten– towards our fellow human and non human friends alike.

Credit to https://www.pexels.com/@tookapic

dear kitty: my son might be seen in public with people that aren’t his spouse! help!

DEAR ABBY: I am extremely upset. My son got married a year ago. We were very happy and have welcomed his wife into our family. He met us for lunch yesterday and announced that he and his wife have a polyamorous relationship. They will stay married, but both of them will date and have long-term relationships with other people.

My husband and I are in shock. We have been married for more than 30 years and have always been faithful to each other. We thought we had set a good example. They are asking to be able to bring other boyfriends and girlfriends to our family events. I’m heartsick at the thought of watching them be affectionate with other partners. My granddaughter was a flower girl at their wedding. How do we explain this to her? I love my son, but does a relationship with him mean I have to abandon the values I have always felt were important to uphold? Right now he isn’t speaking to me because he thinks I was not supportive enough when he told me. I feel like I’m being forced to accept this new lifestyle or not see my son. How should I handle this? —

DUMBFOUNDED IN DALLAS

[Click Here to See Abby’s response]

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED:

Well, let me first off say that you are not alone.  Public displays of affection (PDA) are gross.  Why would you bring that out of the bedroom?  But, don’t worry, it’s not too late!

Perhaps you have failed slightly in your upbringing of your son.  That is okay.  We’re none of us perfect.  First things, first.  No banging at family events.  Seriously.  How have you not already informed your son of this basic rule?  Yes, a lot of vanilla, monogamous folk condone public sex at family gatherings, and it follows that polyamorous folk would probably start a public orgy.  But YOU need to stand up for YOUR values.  

As for the values you are abandoning, don’t!  Stay true to yourself.  I don’t know what yours are, but I do know many values of polyamorous folk.  They believe in commitment, love, communication, healthy boundaries, and all sorts of relationships, including friendship. That kind of long term commitment is nasuating and unnatural.  Also, you shouldn’t emotionally invest in anyone not your spouse.  That’s what boarding school and nursing maids are for, to prevent any emotional attachment to one’s offspring.  This modern idea that mothers and fathers should spend quality time with their children is ridiculous and abandons traditional morality.

Still, that doesn’t mean your son should never see other women, in the right context.  Men, especially, need to spread their seed.  Quietly take him aside and tell him to sleep with other women on the side (no falling in love! use these women for what they’re worth, only!), like any normal man.  His wife needn’t know about any of this.

Yeah, that sounds like solid advice.

On the other hand, maybe, just maybe…your son might have something to teach you.  A new way of living.  It might be scary to change, but I am guessing your son is actually an amazing guy that you’ve raised well.  He may have a lot to teach YOU.  As may his girlfriends.  If you’re open to it, grab a coffee with one of them.  Who knows?  You might find yourself liking the people he surrounded himself with, after all.  Trust me, they won’t bite you.  Unless you ask respectfully.

Yours sincerely,

Kitty

(Not A Therapist)