fantasy life must be oh, so amazing, the

I will do my best to not be mocking, but, okay, you’re warned.

God, I am sorry, but I do not understand the fantasy BDSM life.

Young dom(mes) sitting around waiting for a bevy of idealized slaves to fill their inboxes, or, better yet, writing dominantly(?) to someone who has given no indication that they are submissive, let alone wanting to submit to a stranger. The cliche recently opened couple who writes an ad for their perfect “third.”

I especially love when I see one of those ads, with zero responses, followed by yet ANOTHER ad, which might have been copy and pasted, also with zero responses. I am sure they are quite confused why this isn’t working for them, as I then see posts with unicorn hunters asking, bewildered, What Am I Doing Wrong?

Do people think these fantasies are real?

Do they believe porn and romantic sitcoms? It makes me think of those men who think women with “natural” makeup actually look that way? Please. Do you really think we women have flawless skin and no wrinkles at 40? It’s makeup, and it’s fine to use it, but stop thinking we’re naturally airbrushed like the models in the ads.

And if not only in BDSM, than ESPECIALLY in BDSM, is this critical to understand.  You might be able to get away with shoddy relationship skills in vanilla life, and do all right.  In BDSM, there are harsh consquences for failing to recognize reality over fantasy.

Real life has wrinkles.  REAL BDSM means…

you won’t find that perfect dom/sub/partner the first time you walk into a munch. Real BDSM takes time. It involves a lot of boring sitting around, as you realize that this is not the right munch for you, but you don’t want to be rude and leave, and also you’ve already ordered food.

…people get burned and twist their ankles, so, you know, if you don’t want that to happen, maybe take some time to learn first?  Yes, I’m sugar coating the consequences.  No, I know you don’t need me to spell them out.

a dominant might lie to you about their STDs, so don’t sleep with them on your first encounter, “because it’s so romantic to be taken by force by someone you just met.” I mean, hey, recreate that encounter if it gets you off. Just, remember that real life will hit you in the morning, and it won’t go away.

is funny, hilarious. Someone might accidentally poop on you. If you want this, and you don’t want limits, be prepared to deal with a LOT of bodily fluids. Especially the gross ones.

is annoying. You’re more likely to get a bunch of “hi” and “Be my sub” messages, than those long, crafted, in-depth letters detailing your beauty and your intelligence (none of which is actually evident on your profile, because, you know, privacy, but damnit, they should just KNOW you!).

is better than fantasy.

Also, it’s real.

Got any pet peeves about fantasy BDSM life you want to get off your chest?  

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