the hardest decision *should* be the easiest

“Should I risk my life to bear a child that in all likelihood will be born with a debilitating condition that means, even if the they survive, chances of them being raised by happy, healthy parents is slim to none….or should I put an end to a pregnancy for a fetus?”

Should be an easy choice. -Should- being the relative word. Because of course it isn’t. Of course it’s a decision wracked with guilt and pain. As if we should feel any worse for stopping a fertilized egg than an unfertilized one. I have a period every month. Should I feel bad that I “wasted” this “potential for life”?

Probably, according to someone. I could have born children, and I chose to let the opportunity pass again and again. Every month for the past twenty years. That’s a lot of children, I suppose. Because I was too selfish to be a biological mother.

I hate it. I hate that women feel torn up with emotion over things they should never, ever have to think about. It was my fault I didn’t check the risks of the birth control, It was my fault I didn’t feed my child enough organic food. Perhaps some should feel more guilty over real things like emotionally, verbally, OR physically abusing their children. But that’s for another time.

I hate that women feel guilty over things that should not cause them an ounce of thought, let alone pain. But I know it does. That pain is real, no matter how much I wish no woman should have to feel that emotional pain, on top of the physical pain. Just wanting it not to happen doesn’t mean it goes away.

I know how it feels, the painful -shoulds-. No, not that one. I hope I never have to be in that position. Despite years of telling myself it’s “just a procedure” and “all women have the right,” I doubt I’ll be that strong in the moment.

But I’ve felt others. Should I let the kids leave with their mother? An easy “choice,” right? Not that it really is my choice, but still I don’t like seeing their faces just before they leave. But it shouldn’t be like this. I should be happy they get to see her, or perhaps not think of it at all, it being something as natural as breathing. But that’s not always how life works.

Our hardest choices in life shouldn’t be these. There’s so much out there already. Yet we inflict pain on ourselves, and others, liberally.

…and I can’t change that. And I don’t want to pretend I don’t see it, either. I just truly, sincerely hate it.

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