the harsh realities of sunk costs vs staying with the “one whose been there for you”

This message is specifically directed to any couple thinking about opening up, but really it’s for anyone.

I am skeptical of most “unconditional love.”

I don’t want to argue here whether unconditional love exists. Perhaps it does. Perhaps it doesn’t. But love is more than a feeling. It is manifested in our actions. And that is what I want to talk about here. How we behave in love.  The value of that love.  And whether we stay true to it or not.

The Giver said love was a meaningless word. Vague. It’s not vague or meaningless in the way I use it. It means almost everything to me, from casual affection to a lifelong commitment.  I find love in little ways all the time.  I’ll admit I come across a deep love rarely enough.

Unpopular as this belief may be, I do not believe love is invincible. Because I’ve seen love break too many times. And no love is immune, nor am I speaking solely of romantic love. Any love that one traditionally thinks of as unbreakable and unconditional.

Unconditional or not, no love is invulnerable.

Have you ever seen those smarmy relationship videos where one person in a couple (usually a marriage) doesn’t appreciate their partner?  Usually it’s the man, but not always. Sometimes the woman leaves for greener grass.

By the end of the video, the man or woman has realized that their former partner is best for them.   The one who was “always there for them.” Of course the partner righteously refuses them, leaving them alone.

Always, always the message is “Be there for the one who has always been there for you.” Which sounds nice, if you don’t think about it too deeply.

But love is much more than simply “being there.”

Yeah, being around is nice.  If you’re never around, you’ll hardly have a relationship.  I have little sympathy for those who neglect their partner, then end up abandoned or cheated on.  What do you expect will happen?

I don’t want my partner to just “be there.”  I mean, I do.  But I want much, much more.  I want them to be as connected to me as humanly possible.  I want the world from them.  And I want to give it back to them, too.

Love is involved.

If my partner left the home every night, without me, all night?  I’d move on to someone who wanted to be with me.  I wouldn’t wait around for them to cheat on me.  I’d have moved on long before.

If they didn’t want to ever do anything but just be next to me?  I’d get weirded out.  I don’t want someone who just wants to cling to me.  I want a partner who spends time with me in a way that feels quality to us both.  I want to be able to show up to a party and us both spend the whole time chatting and hanging out with other people the whole night, if we fee like it.  I want to be able to have my own space, without them intruding.

I want it all.

I’m greedy, perhaps, but that’s what I expect.  


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