It’s easy to see the calm after the storm.
Nobody wonders why I am where I am— now. Not everyone wants to live in penthouses, travel to exotic locations, and dine at fine restaurants. Not everyone wants that high powered lifestyle. It is pressuring. It can be exhausting. But nobody questions WHY I do it. Nobody wonders (and frankly, few see the difficulties of the lifestyle, only the visible perks).
They used to ask me all the time, why don’t you leave?
Why do you deal with HER? Why don’t you just find a nice guy and get married and pop out a couple of kids? Oh, to be clear, they knew I had maternal instincts and I was not offended by the assumption I should be a mother…it was because I was me, not because I was a female. Why do you want to do this, when you don’t have to? When life could be so much easier. Why do you give so much to people who will never want to give you as much in return, if they are even capable?
The risk I took…it could have turned out far worse.
I could have lost everything. I DID lose almost everything. But only things. That’s what my so-called friends, the ones who ended up abandoning me, did not understand. My savings, my car, my apartment— they were nice, but they were all “things.”
And, well, I needn’t go into every detail. Suffice to focus on the specific material losses. I did not care about them. I cared about Him. I cared about being Owned, nurtured, allowed to grow and love.
I didn’t know it then. I felt lost and scared.
But I stayed. I wanted to run away so many times— and I don’t know why I didn’t. I’m usually quite good at running away. I’ve run away as far as half the world. I’ve abandoned almost every venture I ever tried, for fear of failing. So, better to just ENSURE I fail, right? Okay, yeah, that makes no sense. But I was in my early twenties. Does anyone look at their early twenties self and go, “Yep, that’s DEFINITELY great choices I made! That’s who I wish I still could be!” Alright, maybe you grew up faster. But me and my friends go, “Fuck that.” We’d no sooner go back to that time, than we would return to middle school.
I’ve since replaced the things I lost with better “things,” but I might lose it all again. Things come and go. That is life. I will never lose my loves. I will never lose what truly matters. My self respect. My drive to be who I am.
Let me be perfectly clear— I fucking earned being owned.
I did not slip into a M/s dynamic.
I did not pick it up off the ground. I did not accidentally stumble into this life, even though I feel that way sometimes. I chose this life. I was the only one strong enough, when the time was right, to meet my Master and take on that role with Him. Many women had the opportunity and could not do it. I knew them personally. Some of them dipped their toes, but could not take the plunge. Could not take the risks I took. Could not be that vulnerable. I had been hurt, who hasn’t? But I saw something in Him that was different— and I took the leap.
We are not weak, when we submit.
When we are someone’s “most treasured possession,” we were the ones strong enough to submit. To match our Owner’s energy and desires. We are enough as we are, but we still find ways to grow, evolve. To be better than we were before. To submerge ourselves deeper into our submission and training.
I am still nervous and small some days.
But I am that insecure little mouse less and less, and the Kitten I was meant to be more and more. Some days, even a princess.
My life, what I learned, what I have– it all fills me with wonder and I pinch myself- metaphorically speaking- to remind me,