plight of the straight, female, mono submissive, part 3: congratulations, you found your perfect monogamous dom!


Hey, it was tough, but you managed it. You found Him. The perfect dom and monogamous! I mean, how often do you stumble across that? But you caught this one!

You found your perfect match. Your one true love (at least for now. S/he is the perfect, monogamous dom(me) who does it for desire– not insecurity and control– and luckily only wishes to love one romantically at a time. Whatever “clicks on” when searching for love has “clicked off.”

Best of all, you’re done. You don’t have to worry about being alone, ever. You no longer have to worry about jealousy, insecurity, your partner falling in love with someone more than you (because you got him).

Only just because you found a great, monogamous partner doesn’t mean you’ve left behind all the problems you would’ve had in a non monogamous relationship.

That STILL doesn’t let you off the hook.

Healthy non monogamy, as it turns out, isn’t much different than healthy monogamy– or, well, simply put, healthy relationships are healthy relationships. If you have a balanced diet, does it matter if it means eating more fruits or more vegetables? Does it matter where the protein comes from? You can have a vegan diet of OREOs and plain pasta. Is that healthy?

Generally speaking, non monogamy is actually pretty similar to monogamy. It’s just what you happen to DO with the person that is different (but also you might go ice skating with your partner, and your best friend paints with hers. Are you and she really that different because you like different activities?)

But there are less people involved in monogamy! It’s completely different!

Actually, there aren’t, and it isn’t. A reclusive polyamorous couple who occasionally dates outside of the main relationship might have less relationships than a super outgoing monogamous person who wants a big family. This person might have any and all of the following: best friends, family, future children, hell, even family dogs. Whereas this specific poly couple only has themselves (and, you know, the idea of being with others, but, like, it’s hard to meet people and do we want to go to munches, we don’t even know anyone going…)

My partner was in a monogamous marriage when he found himself lower on the totem pole than the family dog. My monogamous boyfriend went to a party without me– and came back with a different girl and a breakup announcement. Fun times. People don’t always believe me, but he and I have both gotten MORE attention from our poly partners (because we both didn’t choose that great with previous partners, not because the label changed our lives!)

You’ll still, more than likely, have to undergo all the challenges that someone does in a polyamorous lifestyle. 

Which means if your mono partner is bad enough at managing multiple priorities– say your future kids, his business, his coworkers, or his family– you could feel less important than you did in any non monogamous situation, let alone polyamorous. Only now you’re not less than your dominant’s other girlfriend. You’re less than his dog or his mom. You’re gonna tell me that makes you feel better?

While you may have had plenty of mono partners who put in amazing effort, it’s STILL problematic when mono don’t grow/learn/pay attention to their partners. Just as it is when people don’t grow/learn/pay attention to partners in polyamory.

Monogamy isn’t a solution, it’s an option.

You’ll still need to learn to communicate your wants and needs.

You’ll still need to learn how to share your time and affection.

You’ll still have to do everything anyone in a polyamorous relationship needs to do.

You’ll still need to learn how to be alone sometimes.

You’ll still need to learn how to be there for your partner and the other loved ones in your life.

You’ll still need to choose a partner who actually WANTS the kind of people in their life that you want in yours. (Rather than try to dictate and approve of the “kind” of people they associate with, romantically or not.)

You’ll still need all the life lessons that folk in polyamorous relationships have to learn (worse, your relationship won’t go away if you don’t learn them, it’ll just limp along with you always getting less than you deserve but everyone judging you if you abandon it, cause “You had such a great relationship!”).

So I shouldn’t be monogamous?

Woah, now hold on. You can be whatever you want. All I’m saying is if you’re avoiding polyamory because you’re thinking monogamy will be easier, that isn’t the best reason. If you believe that all those poly articles that talk about relationships can’t be about you because you’re monogamous, think again. Romance and life isn’t really that different or enlightened or wonderful or worse than for polyamorous folk than anyone else.

It’s all hard and it’s all easy.

Do what makes you feel good, but just remember you have to deal with the hard stuff in every relationship. If you want them to mean anything at all.

Also, I’ll leave you this really good tip if you want a partner devoted to you: Don’t have children. Children are a GUARANTEED way to ensure your needs get shifted at the most inopportune moment, cause kids are great at that!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top