when you get almost everything you want, AKA the stupid, spoiled bitch syndrome

You’re a silly, stupid, spoiled bitch my critical inner voice whispers. What, getting ninety percent of what you want isn’t enough for you?

My beauty whispers to me, Of course it’s enough. It’s enough, I’m enough, you’re enough. I should listen to her kindness, her unabashed love towards me.

But I don’t want “enough.” I want more.

I want vindication. Crushing, final blows. Striding out of the fire, naked, strong, with my former enemies properly subdued in my sight…no, more than that.

I want the apologies, heartfelt remorse, and gratitude from those I helped that only hurt me in return. A simple, “That was nice, thank you for [insert action].” After all, as the sayings go, there’s always good with the bad. I admit the bad; I would like credit for the good. But, no. Only screams, insults, and silent treatments. I’ve always learned and practiced thankfulness towards others. To not receive it myself makes me feel…undeserving. Less than. Worthless.

I have myself.

I have the full and unwavering support from my loved ones, my master, my extended network, my intimate friendships, my dearest friends. I have more than so many. I ought to practice gratitude in my own life.

Only some days, I still want what I can’t have.

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