struggling with solopoly

I like being independent.

I love the idea of being my own person, all the time, without a care in the world.  Solopoly, the idea of being polyamorous but remaining one’s own primary relationship.  Without any of the burdens (though, yes, without some of the benefits) of a long term, committed, involved on every level relationship.  Still long term, still committed– but ultimately the main person is autonomous and in charge of all life decisions.

Appealing?  Yes.  I don’t want to be someone’s other half. I don’t have an urge to marry.  I like the idea of freedom, total autonomy, walking around my apartment naked, traveling on a whim.  All lovely thoughts.

But I also like having someone to come to every night, someone with whom I’ve intwined my life.

I fall asleep at night next to someone who loves me.  Someone for whom I’ve made dinner, or they’ve made dinner for me (though usually I cook and he cleans up).  I want stability. I want to be important to someone.

I want a family.  How can I have a child with someone with whom I don’t share my life?  I mean, I know it happens, but it’s not often sought after.  Bearing some very unusual circumstances, I want my children to be raised by all their parents, in the same home.

I want consistency, security, and comfort.  I want to be a priority.

I cannot have that- and be perfectly autonomous.

Oh, I might call my partner and myself solopoly.  It’s a bit tongue in cheek, however.  It’s true we’ve kept many of our life aspects separate.  But like I said, I struggle with not only the label but the way of life.  I’m not, strictly speaking, entirely solopoly.

Which means things like living together (critical for me to get enough time with my partner) and sharing our lives and our families and our vacations (because I only have so much vacation time and I want them to travel with me during it.)  Which basically means they are a primary relationship.

But what does that mean for a Kitten that struggles with commitment?

It means I compromise.  As must you, if you are like me.  What do you want?  How much freedom do you need for your happiness, as opposed to how much security you need from your Romantic other(s)?

Do you want to always be your only primary?  Or do you want someone else to see you that way, too?  Do you want to be solopoly, or is that too much for you?  Whatever you want, it’s okay.

But do think over the possibilities.  Because it’s not binary choice, thankfully!

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