dear people who go to munches and are consequently disappointed,

I wish you the best, truly.

I am sorry for whatever poor experience was inflicted upon you. But maybe you’d benefit from hearing a few things.

Munches are not, as common wisdom would tell you, a place to make you feel “warm and fuzzy.” (

Or at least it feels like that memo got passed around?). Any munch host worth their salt will take a moment to welcome the newbies, but it is up to you to approach other people. I’ve felt odd and awkward at almost every new event I’ve ever been to, but I will also just go up to random people and say hello.

Munches are not monolithic.

I will not disparage any event publicly, but I’m not shy at sharing which munches/events I’ve been treated well, and which I’ve been ignored (by the hosts and organizers). Don’t like a particular munch? Try another. Sure, the same people tend to show up everywhere. But the crowd does vary. Which means we all have our favorites.

Munches are not a safe place.

Some are, some aren’t. My, and my friends’, abusers are often allowed at munches. Anybody is, really.  Organizers will do what they can, when they want.  Some of us will try to protect new people. But munches certainly are not sanctuaries!

Munches are where kinky folk go.

If you want to date/connect with kinky people, you have to meet kinky people. If you want to meet kinky people- and this will be shocking!- you have to meet kinky people. And this is where you meet them. Just like if you want to meet a partner that does yoga, you sign up for a yoga class. These are places for people of all relationship styles and identities to congregate and meet other, hopefully likeminded, folk. (Yes, I’ve met kinky folk outside of munches. But I am very good at meeting people, and since I’m still cautious about talking about kink in vanilla spaces, it’s still only happened a handful of times.)

Some people manage to meet partners solely through Fetlife and other sites.  But for every person who says they’ve done that, I see literally hundreds of women complaining at men soliciting them for unwanted relationships.  Especially doing so incredibly poorly.  Which means even if you send well crafted messages, they’ll be buried in crap.

Hopefully you’ll find a good munch.  Perhaps you’ll even make friends. Or meet a lover. So remember why you are there– and perhaps you’ll not have quite as terrible a time!

all the best,

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