fear of being you, the

“What about this theory: the fear of not being enough and the fear of being ‘too much’ are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.” – Nayyirah Waheed

As I sit and begin to wake up this morning (no, too early for me for coffee or any solid food), I come across this quote. It’s probably true, too, whatever way we swing on the pendulum. Some of us worry about not being enough. Others about being too overwhelming. Some of us manage both at once!

I am not afraid of being me.

Am I always happy with myself? No. But I’m no longer scared to understand myself. I am happier the closer and closer I get to that true “self.”

I am not afraid. I complain about myself. I neg my own qualities. I’m not good enough/strong enough/smart enough/pretty enough/whatever enough. I am trying to be better at this, but I slip up. A lot. But I am not afraid.

Ssshh, come here, and I’ll tell you the secret of life.

You do well, you mess up. You nail something oh so perfectly; and then you totally lose it the next day. Life is a series of problems, or a series of solutions. It depends on how you want to look at it. There’s another quote, attributed to Winston Churchill,

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

I believe I am doing my best.

This morning, I’ll remember the good. I’ll think about just how awesome a friend I was the other day. What a perfect mommy I was yesterday when the kid was scared and upset. How I didn’t lose my cool once all weekend.

Because some days I mess up. The day before I had, just a little, and the kid started crying because they thought they were such a bad person for breaking something of mine).

Yesterday, amazingly, I didn’t mess up once.

Yesterday, I was perfect. I won’t be perfect everyday. I am going to try to be, today, because it’s nice to be on a roll. I will do my chores; do my work; figure out a few puzzle pieces; make a perfect dinner; get everyone to bed; make sure master is taken care of before falling asleep (goddamn it, I didn’t do THAT this morning, oh, well, streak over! But the REST of the day I will be perfect!)

…so I guess what I’m saying is I’m okay. And so are you 🙂

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