a kitty’s guide to meeting kinky folk: part 1, munches are awesome

If vanilla life suits you, I’m sincerely happy for you.  This isn’t for you, though.

Meeting people is hard.  That’s basic 101 Living Life As A Human.

But if you’ve not been kinky for a while, you may not realize how freaking hard it is to meet kinky people!  Like more than the usual amount of…hard…ness.

You can’t just bring up your new flogger at a yoga class and check out the cute girl’s reaction.  You can’t message some girl on Fetlife, because it’s not a dating site and they’ll scream at you in red letters to not message them unless you’ve met in person.(Before you scream, “BUTIDIDONETIMEANDIMARRIEDTHEGIRLSOITSTOTALLYADATINGSITE!”, I’d like to remind you that World of Warcraft is used as a dating site, but that’s still not the primary function.)

But, hey, I stumble into kinky people at conferences, at my building’s hot tub, etc.   Blind luck works.  I met my first kinky partner in college, hanging out in the commuter lounge.  I happened to stumble on a friend who not only liked to experiment, she liked to wear vinyl and get called dirty names and told to perform humiliating tasks.

Please don’t count on blind luck.

“Organic” grown relationships sound great, but unfortunately, it often ends up meaning, “I’m gonna sit around and wait for kinky relationship to drop into my lap.”  If you don’t seek out kinky, you may never find it. 

Life got busier around the time I met my master…and my luck appeared to run dry.  I needed more than relying on my kinky guardian angel.  I had to go to where the kinksters mingled.

Plus,  I needed somewhere we could go out safely, without judgment.  He had a partner, and I had a girlfriend.  Where I could bring him and a girlfriend?  Turns out a whole community existed.  Lots of them.

The swinging community.  The poly community.  The BDSM community.

All of them with a decent amount of overlap, but all with their own distinct personas.

I am glad I did.  Sometimes I felt completely out of place.  I’d stand around for what felt like hours, with not so much as the organizer saying anything to me.  Some munches are the worst.  I persevered until I found the good ones in my area.

I know it’s hard to get out and meet people.  It’s scary to show yourself.  What if, God forbid, you run into your sister?  Or your boss?  It’s not exactly the kind of thing you want everyone to know about you, right away.  I’ve had an awkward conversation with a fellow hockey mommy I didn’t expect to show up (in hindsight, I should’ve).  But it is the easiest way to meet lots of people, in order to find the few that connect with you and make for lasting relationships.

These are my particular experiences with the various communities, in order of my first experiences with each.

First, I discovered the polyamorous community.  Through a poly board game night advertised on Meetup.  Poly folk in my area were gamers, which suited me just fine!  They were friendly and open– although not necessarily kinky.  I stayed away from that kind of talk, in general.  I made several friends and it became my safe place for a few years.  Unfortunately, it became rather disorganized in my area, and I lost touch.  I didn’t have the resources to travel to the big poly events, either.  Although I will absolutely share reviews here of anything I attend in future.

Second, I tested the swinging community.  I loved the idea of big orgies and having fun with lots of people.  I’d met my first partner and felt safe going to parties.  And I will not say that I didn’t have fun, I still go to parties!  But it didn’t feel quite enough.  Also, the scene seemed dominated by former prom kings and queens, holding on to their former glory.  They were there to show off, not to meet anyone.  Oh, I’d always warm up and enjoy dancing around the stripper pole.  But I did not feel a sense of community.  Everyone came and left.  I wanted someplace where I felt I belonged.

And that, dear friends, is when I discovered a community of kinksters.  They were less judging, on the whole, than the polyamorous community.  I could freely share that I had more than one romantic partner, whereas I never quite felt comfortable talking about my kinks in the poly world, unless I knew the person.  But at the munch?  I’d introduce myself with my name and “I tried a new dragon tail whip this weekend, how was yours?”  Of course, I stay respectful in my communications, but I don’t feel I must censor myself, either.  

Finally, I joined a dungeon.  My city is fortunate to have popular, permeant clubs— with good track records in safety and well being of the members.  I tried new things.  I found I liked having kinky friends. A board game that devolves into a play party? Awesome. A hiking trip where we get naked and I watch my friend get tied up in artistic poses (a fantasy of mine!).  A philosophical discussion where the topic of sex positions comes up? A nice addition.

I don’t have to hold back among kinksters, and so I go where the kinksters go.

Even in the poly community, I couldn’t necessarily talk about sex and play. Could even offend some in the community. So long as you are respectful, it’s hard to offend anyone in the kink community.

As my M/s relationship with my partner deepened, I grew into the community.  The same people would always come back, and we got to know each other.  I started helping the newcomers adjust into the scene, because it’s scary at first.  

So, if you do want to meet people and you’re looking for a special someone or two, I hope you get out there. 

It’ll seem old and tired advice, but I promise you there are good hangouts where the people don’t bite (unless you ask).  More importantly, there are munches where they don’t all sit around on your phones and ignore you.   And, so far, I have yet to find any other substitution, because we don’t have any good kinky, dating sites (no, I mean, good ones).  Because I promise you, too, that the experienced people won’t come to you.  They have a lot of options.

You cannot count on meeting them randomly in life, these munches are our safe place to come out and socialize.  They’ve learned to hide in public, so you would never recognize them.  Sure, some openly wear a collar.  I’ve met one of those in my thirty some years.  It’s possible.

You can try to message people on sites like Fetlife, rather than exposing yourself on a vanilla dating site, but a lot of people won’t bother answering, because they didn’t sign up to date, but rather to find events and share their writings and photos.

Sorry, but you’ve gotta go and take your chances in person, in public, chatting with them as a friend.  And if you happen to click with someone, great!  But if it becomes obvious you’re treating it as a meat market for hot girls, you’ll quickly find yourself on the outskirts.  Just go to meet people and make friends, please.

Feel free to message me at @Uni_Kitty on Fetlife, if you want a bit of advice to get started in your town!  Also, what munches do you love?  Which do you avoid?  Share in the comments!

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