If I were single and you met me, what would change?
Would we be each other’s first priority, since we had “nobody else”? I suppose all the friends, family, etc in our lives wouldn’t count for anything. No, I’d clearly be “alone.” Except for you.
Do you think my life would then be yours? I travel quite a lot. Should I stop that for you? Or would you imagine that I would keep my old priorities still?
And would your life still come first for you? Along with everything that means?
Or would mine come first, even to you? Truthfully, I hope it wouldn’t. Your life mattered before I came along, and it matters now. I’d be hypocritical to ignore that. Because I, like you, come with baggage, with a life, with people in my life. I’ve had standing commitments and obligations long before I met you. Some of those might conflict with yours.
Of course I’m not single in any way, shape, or form. But I didn’t abandon my life for him, either. Nor did he leave his behind for me. We adjusted, slowly, over time. And our priorities eventually became each other’s priorities.
Because of this, I imagine, my friends and family actually like him. His kids adore me. They don’t just do this for anyone (ask their oh so beloved stepfather!).
My friend wrote about how life is designed for those of us with a Romantic Partner.
She isn’t wrong. Life is often easier if you “have someone.” She has a wonderful life; she’s doing quite well for herself. Still, I hope she finds a special person with whom to share that life.
It’s only that I also hope she doesn’t throw everything she’s built away, the minute she finds this Romantic other. That she stays true to herself, first, and only allows herself to blend her life with theirs once they’ve earned it. That she doesn’t allow them that craved “primary” status, until they ARE that. Not just calling themselves such. That’s easy. Becoming someone’s primary is not easy in the least.
I ask this of you: if you have a person you hope will be one of “your” people, allow them into your life. Just don’t throw yours away for them. Trust me, nobody is worth that! I’m lucky that another person learned that lesson for me.