choosing polyamory can mean not having to choose

I am the sort of person that when asked if I want X or Y, I say, “Both?  Both sounds good.”

I’m home relaxing this past weekend and watching TV. On my latest obsession, the female lead (Teresa Lisbon) is at home with her boyfriend. He asks her if she wants to watch Casablanca. “It’s about a woman who has to choose between two men.” He pauses a beat, “Or there’s a baseball game playing.” Because in the show, she’s choosing between the two men she loves. “Let’s watch baseball,” she quickly pipes up.

I can’t speak for others, but I don’t want to be Lisbon. That’s a hell of a place to be.  Look, life is life, but one of two things happens to us. Either we find only one love, or we find more than one. If we find only one love, that choice is moot. If we find two loves, we are presented with That Choice.  Lisbon’s choice.

I can barely choose what kind of cereal I want in the morning.  How could I possibly choose which love of my life I want?  It’s not like in the movies where one of them conveniently happens to be a killer  (a common trope I’ll get into below).  Probably both loves are genuinely wonderful human beings with unique qualities they offer (like maybe they have a face and shoes, and they like that about themselves.)

Frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human being that’s thrilled to make that choice.

Moreover, we hate making that choice.  It’s what inspires the “monogamy kills” trope, a.ka. the solution to the “love triangle” problem.  You know, when the woman has two amazing guys in her life, so of course one of them has to die or turn out to be a villain or something along those lines.  If she must choose, she must.  It’s not preferable, but sometimes we have literally no other option. Unless, whew, one of them dies (lazy writing, perhaps, but an actual alternative to her choosing!).

Maybe it’s your fiancé who turns out to be a serial killer’s patsy and he tries to murder you and your friends so you have to shoot him in the chest. You are then free to marry the guy you’ve loved all along.  Problem solved.

Regardless, I’ve made a choice now: To be with the one who does not make me choose.

Who will not ask me to give up the life I’ve created for another one. I am fully aware I could have a very good, alternative life. But I’ve invested in this one, and I don’t want to find myself in love with two (wo)men who tear me in two different directions. It’s a miserable feeling, and I have zero interest. Which do you want, Kitty? Well, to be honest, both. Both sounds good.

Of course, there is the chance that I meet a love who is incompatible with my life. I might have to let them go. That will be sad, and regrettable. But it won’t be because my current love makes me. It may seem a small difference, yet it is important to me.

I can’t speak for others, and I suppose many might be bored with my way of life.  The sort that love the thrill of the chase, the internal struggle, the (inevitable) drama. There’s a certain excitement in that, I mean, that’s why they do it in TV shows. You can’t have a show without conflict! It’s only that I don’t want to live a TV plot line. I prefer a harmonious life. It doesn’t make for captivating TV, but I also lose fewer loved ones to dramatic blowouts. Or violent stabbings.

If anyone is curious, there are many reasons, but ultimately this is why I am polyamorous.

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