existential threat of a kinky, flirty, polyamorous mastermind unicorn, the

I’d been flirting, on and off, with this friend, who advertised themselves as a dominant.

Mostly off by this point in time, due to a lack of consistent communication. Supposed to hang out for drinks, but excuses kept turning up.

Until they messaged me for the final time, it turned out. The message contained quite a lengthy explanation. Long enough I had to scroll to read the entire thing. They had acquired a monogamous partner. Out of respect for their love for the person (that supposedly they had met less than a month ago), they could no longer communicate with me in any way. I felt a bit taken aback, but, I’m not great with being friends with folk in mono relationships. I started to compose a reply back—

— and blocked? Seriously?

I didn’t realize my powers had grown to the point where I could disrupt a happily monogamous relationship purely virtually.

I wanted to be indignant over it, or at the very least perturbed. Except I told my partner about the whole incident and he started laughing so hard, his eyes teared up. So I started giggling at the absurdity of the situation, too.

It isn’t like this was the first time this had happened.

I’m clearly a devastating model type with high cheekbones, shimmering hair, and legs to die for. With a wake of crushed souls trailing me. Or so you might think.

A friend’s husband messaged me on LinkedIn. He said we should connect and he wanted to steal me away to Paris. The land of love. City of love. Whatever. I had met him precisely once. I should have dropped him immediately, but I thought he was kidding. I mean, who messages junk like that and means it? I ignored it. Sent him a message later on a different subject. I never heard from him until he finally said his wife had seen the message and “forbade” him to ever speak to me. I guess that makes sense. I’m quite tempting to the unsuspecting vanilla person wandering across my path. I might have accepted his LinkedIn request.

A seemingly confident wife asked for an open marriage. I felt safe. Six months later, she promptly proceeded to accuse her hubby of starting a decade-long affair with me and conspiring to move me across the world to ruin their marriage. I did the mental math; that would have made me 14 at the start of our “affair.” Some of us killer unicorns start young.

Most of the time it was something small.

I didn’t think much of it.  Friends got married, then, like clockwork, I was cut out of their life. I can’t be sure whether these were kills or just unrelated incidents – friendships end all the time.

Still, this kept happening to me to the point where I decided to maybe not invest too much in friends I suspected might be the marrying kind. Other friends would politely maneuver their significant others away from me, avoiding a more deadly outcome.

Ah, the troubles of a unicorn in a modern world!  I haven’t yet pinpointed exactly what they think the threat is…but in the meantime, you just gotta laugh.