joy and peril of perfection, the

I am perfect.

Congratulations, me, achievement unlocked! ….except of course I am not. Perhaps practically perfect in every way.

But I am, in all sincerity, at the best I’ve ever been in my life. I am stable, secure in my values, know precisely what I want and need moving forward. I have more to offer than ever before. I am more compassionate, patient, etc. I am a pretty awesome girlfriend.

I’m having the hardest time of my life finding a new partner.

“Wait, what?” This is when you’re supposed to be finding a new partner. Once you’re established in your current relationship. Once you know yourself. Common wisdom emphatically states that you ought to invest in yourself first, to make yourself as desirable a partner as humanly possible. Surely I’m more of a catch now than when I was a hot mess out of college with zero idea of my life. Right?

It’s true that I am more desirable (in my oh so humble opinion, naturally) than when I was, say, twenty. Or twenty-five.

I’m also much more rigid.

It’s easy enough if I simply want someone with whom to play. I can do that. But when I’m seeking something more involved? If someone were to join my life, they would need to accept hard non negotiables that didn’t exist in my twenties. Living the suburban life in my suburb. Three -not so little- ones, at a minimum (and expectations of future children, as well). A life that involves travel– but only to certain places the majority of the time, because certain locations must be prioritized. With a kinky mind that favors hedonistic play over sadistic (unless it is emotional sadism), and does not need rope or impact (at least not with me, they are free to seek that elsewhere, of course). It’s asking a lot of anyone.

I’m neither an idiot, nor insane. I know how difficult it will be to find a woman that matches what I want. But that’s why I say being perfect isn’t always a benefit when seeking a partner you wish to join your life.

Because, you see, as you become more perfect, so do they. And there are so, so many ways to be perfect! But that doesn’t mean you can be perfect together. If you do not grow together, you end up, far too often, growing apart.

Of course, this all depends in what you are seeking.

I become that much more irreplaceable to those seeking exactly what I am. But these partners are rarer.

I become more desirable for comet relationships, casual, short term, whatever. The more perfect I become (i.e. the closer to being my best self), the more attractive I am to this type.

And for anything else? Well, it all depends, I suppose.

Perhaps, like myself, you already have someone. Or someones. “I don’t mind if I never find anyone else,” you think, “I can’t just wait for them, I need to move forward.” Which is quite fair.

But, fair warning, gentle friend. If you move forward alone, for long enough, you become perfect. Ultimately perfect. For just one person.


2 thoughts on “joy and peril of perfection, the”

  1. I LOVE this! While I am 100% content and fulfilled in my relationship with my wife (perfect partner) I’ve been almost 3 years now seeking an added partner, with no success. As you state, I am MUCH more rigid about my minimum requirements. That’s because I’ve matured and come to value myself, truly, for perhaps the first time in my life. So, someone who wants me for me without the sacrifice of themselves, comet, or most certainly secondary partnership, and CONNECTION! I do differ in not limiting to “right in my suburb”…truly unrealistic in the small town, small population states of Montana and Wyoming, but certainly within something reasonable in terms of traveling to see each other regularly.

    1. We all must find our own standards, of course, but yes! In my idealistic fantasies, they have a trendy apartment in the city (and live with me in the suburbs every other week, but spend the weekends/every other week in the city or traveling across the country or abroad.) But even then, am I not still hoping for a fantasy?!?

      The truth is, I may always have to “settle” for my connections being wonderful, but not as intimately involved as my master. I’m not settling in my life, but my life, for better or worse, IS fairly settled. And I like that. You see, I like having a comforting home waiting for me at the end of whatever adventure I’m on at the moment.

      Sigh. I suppose I want it all! Silly little kitten.

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