apology to my abuser, an

Dear Ex Psycho Bitch,

Oh, I hope this didn’t come off to strong!  My friend coined the term.  It seemed to fit.  Anyway, I’m sorry.  I thought you were stronger.  I should have realized that it’s an absurdity to think women are as strong as we’re supposed to pretend to be.  But I assumed, wrongly, that you were stronger than I was.  Because you had more success in most metrics.  Wealth, income, children, all the things that make a woman “successful.”  Only it didn’t really bring you fulfillment, did it?

I thought, for sure, that you could handle your husband doing exactly what you did with your men.  All the emails flirting with them, where you told them you were gonna be sure to drink plenty of pineapple juice.  I’m naive, but even I know what that meant.  I thought, okay, she’s having her fun.

Only you weren’t.

You were terrified that you were going to be shown up, left behind.  Using those men wasn’t an enjoyment for you, but rather a perverse way of getting “even” with men you felt had used you.  You wanted nothing more than a home with your children and a docile husband– or at least you convinced yourself that was what you wanted.  How would I know the difference?  A lot of men want a home with children and a docile wife, why shouldn’t you want that for yourself?

Unfortunately for you, you had neither a docile husband nor docile children.  When you left for a long weekend, you thought your family would wistfully pine for you.  You believed “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  I could have told you that was a lie, but when have you ever listened to anything I said?  They did not pine, instead they told you, “Don’t worry, Mama!  [Kitty] will come and play with us!”  They thought they were reassuring you that it was fine for you to leave, because they were still taken care of.  You felt abandoned.

I should have seen this sooner.

Your anger, when it finally exploded, took us all for a shock.  We had no idea.  But we hadn’t been paying attention.

I wish I had put an end to that idiotic Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy of yours from the beginning.  Insisted on an open communication between all the adults.  And a clear message sent to the kids so they knew their family wasn’t ever in danger of being torn apart.  We were just a slightly different family.

Turns out they actually prefer a non traditional family.  They hate people assuming they will date; get engaged; get married; have children.  They want to do their thing, and they’re thrilled that their Dad and I do ours (well, they’d like to have another adult around, they’ve learned how awesome bonus moms are and they, being typical greedy, self indulgent children as we all are as kids, want more.  Why wouldn’t they?  More love, more attention, and more baked goods and treats and all sorts of things!)

We left you out.  And you are their mother, you should be right in the middle of it!

If I had a second chance,

I’d do it differently.  I’d have pushed for an honest discussion.  I can’t say I would have abandoned him, or he me.  But we could have gracefully parted ways.  Then we could have told the kids, “Hey, Mom and Dad don’t really feel the same way about each other anymore.  They want different things, but that doesn’t mean we’re not still a family.  It’s just things will be different for Mom and Dad, okay?”  We could have found a nice 50/50 arrangement, and lived perfectly happy lives.  Different, but equally valid.

It didn’t have to turn nasty and hurt the children.  I am genuinely furious that happened!

I promise you I had no intention for it to turn into this mess.

I am sorry that  I can’t fix this.  All I can say is I’m sorry.

I’m sorrier that doesn’t mean very much at all.  You’re remarried now, so I guess that helps.  Honestly I don’t know why you waited so long.  Appearances, I guess, but everyone knew you met him before you divorced.  You did publish the affair on Facebook.


A well meaning Kitty

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