what it’s like to “date” a polyamorous, aromantic lover

“Show up wearing nothing but a coat.  I’ll be ready and waiting to cook your favorite meal, snuggle and watch a movie together, wake up lazily with kisses and serve you breakfast in bed.”

I had a date like that with a former lover.  Spoiled silly for an entire weekend, with someone who barely knew me, but whom I had developed a trust (in person, and text).  He cooked for me, told me sweet nothings, held me while we watched a favorite movie I picked.  He bought me some fancy coffee when he sent me back off to my master.  Quite lovely, perfectly romantic.

It’s lovely, but it’s not necessarily love.

It was a fling, a beautiful moment in time.  I like- some- of romance, but the truth is that I don’t need it.  Master and I have been dating for quite a while, if you call what he and I do “dating” at this point.  Usually not how you’d describe a 12 year long relationship, but I do think one ought to “date” no matter how long the relationship.  And this isn’t exactly your average romance.

I suppose it might sound odd to call my polyamorous master of a decade “aromantic.”  But it’s who he is.

Like I’ve said to many, he’s not really the romantic type.

He doesn’t do “romance,” he does him for me.

He doesn’t surprise me with flowers, nor post “couple” photos.  Okay, sometimes.  I distinctly remember the first time he did so.  It was so out of character I didn’t understand what was happening.

He’s never bought me roses (though he was happy for me when my “mother-in-law” bought me a dozen for Mother’s Day).  He doesn’t care if I wear sexy lingerie (he prefers au natural).  He doesn’t care about people knowing the stories of How We Met or What We Did On Our Anniversary.

But he will hand deliver a coffee to me in bed.

Funny, but he does celebrate Valentine’s Day with me (and has since the beginning). One time he had me eat blind (no glasses) while he served me whatever he felt like, including a strawberry sushi (which he only indulged in as an attempt to “be romantic” and never ordered again, eeww, gross.). He missed it this year, though.

But it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have to wait a whole year.  He’ll treat me as if I’m his Valentine every day.  Every morning when I wake up to him, and every night when I fall asleep in his arms.

Some women find his style off-putting.

Aromantics aren’t for everyone.  Many want the romance, the pursuit, the flowers and gifts.  They want charming, dashing.  He’s charming, but not dashing.  He doesn’t chase.  He finds what he likes, then makes an offer.  If the woman accepts, he pursues with full force.  If she says no, he accepts it.  Much to her bewilderment.  She’s often not used to that.

She wants what I have with him, but if he doesn’t wrap it up in the fancy packaging, she often wants nothing to do with him.

I suppose that’s not either of their faults.  They just both have different ideas of what is important in a relationship.  She needs the romance, he does not.

I can sway either way.

I am gray A romantic; admittedly I love many little, cute romantic gestures and indulge as often as I can with my romantic partners, but I do not demand it from anyone.  I certainly won’t give up the amazing relationship I have with my master, simply because he doesn’t say “I love you” enough.

It took him three years to even say the words in the first place, without them feeling hollow to him.  To him, saying those three little words means something real or it means nothing at all.  So he waited until he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he would never, ever take them back.

I appreciate both, the girlfriend who tells me she loves me and how beautiful and amazing I am, practically within seconds of meeting (relatively!).  And my master who holds the emotion in his hands, weighing it, observing it, until he has memorized every detail.

It’s our 12 year anniversary next month.  We’ve already planned a road trip down to a warmer climate to our favorite restaurant in the world.  We might celebrate next year, too, if we feel like it.  If we have the resources, time, and ability.

But if we don’t?  I know he loves me.  And I know he’ll do everything he can for me today, tomorrow, and the next.

You see, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me.

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