when I put a whole raw chicken into the oven, my chocolate chip cookies came out tasting funny, OR why polyamory doesn’t work sometimes

If people treated Baking like they do Relationships,

Day One

Person: “Hi, so I made this really tasty chocolate chip cookies the other day.”

Food Expert: “Cool, sounds great!”

Person: “Okay, yeah, but I made another batch a couple of months later, and the cookies came out differently.

Food Expert: “Yeah, that happens.”

Person: “No, no, you don’t understand. I did everything the same! But it still wasn’t the same!”

Food Expert: “No, no, totally following you. No matter what, every batch of cookies will come out a little differently. Especially when it’s been a long time between batches. I know you think you did everything the same, but it’s been a couple of months, and you might not be remembering exactly what you did. And even if you miraculously did, the cookies could still come out a little bit crispier or chewier or something. That’s just cookie physics.”

Person: “Well, okay.”

Food Expert: “Now, important point, did the second batch of cookies taste good?”

Person: “Well…yeah.”

Food Expert: “Why don’t you just enjoy the cookies you have now, then, and not compare them to cookies you had before? Maybe it would be easier to appreciate them.”

Person: “Wow, thanks! I’ll try that.”

Food Expert: “Thank you for your time and have a great day!”


Day 2

Person: “Okay, so I want to make cookies, but they’re so much work. You have to let the butter out to soften for hours beforehand, so you’ve got to, like, plan to make cookies. And all the ingredients you have to buy…I heard there’s like 2 ingredient cookies. How do I make those?”

Food Expert: “It’s true there are hacks out there, but I’ve gotta be honest with you. A lot of those recipes don’t work out too well, or they don’t taste nearly as good as the ones that you put more effort into. There’s a reason you add all the ingredients.

Have you considered just buying store bought cookies? I know they can be less satisfying, but trust me, there’s some very good ones on the market. Just do a bit of research beforehand! You get a great cookie; you don’t have to worry about the prep; and there’s very little clean up involved. Don’t do it if you don’t want to, but I do think you should consider this route.”


Day 3

Person: “I want a cookie, but I’m allergic to many of the recipe’s ingredients. What should I do?”

Food Expert: “Well, have you thought that maybe you do like cookies, but this cookie isn’t right for you? There are other kinds of cookies. Perhaps on of them is nut free or chocolate free?

Person: “No, the things I can’t eat are in every cookie recipe I’ve ever seen.”

Food Expert: “Alright, then. Maybe you have to take a whole new approach to making cookies. Have you considered substitutions? You can alter the recipe in many, many ways to find the recipe that suits your individual needs. I know that the usual cookie recipe works for most people who find it delicious– but clearly that isn’t you.

Maybe you need to put in the extra work to design your own cookie. I know it’s overwhelming to think about it, but would you rather go without cookies or eat cookies that make you sick? This could be a great opportunity for you to make the perfect cookie for you!”


Day 4

Person: “Okay, I am at my wit’s end! I just don’t know what to do, so I thought I’d call you!”

Food Expert: “Woah, woah, hold on. You’re okay. Now. What’s the trouble? Maybe I can help you?

Person: “Okay, my friend told me home baked cookies are amazing. And I read about cookies and even smelled a few. I was so excited! But I tried and mine just tasted nothing like any cookie I’ve ever heard about.”

Food Expert: “Right, well why don’t you tell me about your process.”

Person: “So I turn the oven to 350 degrees F. I take the raw chicken and I put it—“

Food Expert: “Sorry, if I can interrupt you for a second. You did what?”

Person: “I put the raw chicken–“

Food Expert: “You know, I’m not really sure I can help you. Thanks for thinking of me and good luck!” *Click*

Food Expert to self: Maybe I’m in the wrong business.

2 thoughts on “when I put a whole raw chicken into the oven, my chocolate chip cookies came out tasting funny, OR why polyamory doesn’t work sometimes”

  1. Poor food expert!

    But this is so, so true. If people put a chicken in the oven and expect cookies to come out — or rather, they don’t put the right ingredients into a relationship — they are going to be severely disappointed.

    Person: “Help! My cookies taste awful and I have no idea why!”

    Food expert: “Well, first let’s go through the ingredients you used to see if the mix was prepared correctly.”

    Person: “Okay. So I used 80 grams of salt—“

    Food expert: “Wait. Did you just say salt?”


    Person: “Yes. And I followed the recipe exactly!”

    Food expert: “It appears you only think you did. You see, if you don’t taste or double check your ingredients, how are you going to know you’ve selected the right one?”

    Person: “But I did taste it.”

    Food expert: “And how did it taste?”

    Person: “Very salty.”

    *Food expert hangs up with a sigh*

    ^ Poor expert gets some rather silly questions sometimes. 🙂 Always taste/check your ingredients, folks! 🙂

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