plight of the straight, female, mono submissive, part 2: where have all the good (monogamous) doms gone?

It seems like monogamous submissive women are having an especially hard time finding a good dominant, monogamous man. (Let’s not even get started on straight, submissive male submissives.)

Maybe it was always difficult. But certainly, my single, vanilla female friends seemed to have an okay time finding a guy. Whereas I struggled finding a non monogamous guy who wasn’t awful. The tables seem to be flipped in the kink community. I see this question again and again,

Why aren’t there any good, monogamous Doms, anymore?

First, off, were there ever? If you listen to the kink community, most Doms are terrible. Insecure, jealous, inexperienced, demanding. By the way, this isn’t related to their sex or gender. Male, female, man, woman, non binary. Equally terrible across the board, frankly. Now, I’d say there were more good Doms than any community generally credits, but, still, there are probably more bad* than good** (*”What is bad?”**”What is good?” Let’s table that discussion, shall we?)

Okay, so now you isolated the few “good” dom(mes). Wonderful. Now, the best, most caring, most experienced, most loving of them know their value. Just like you do. You think the hot guys don’t know they have abs and can generally always find a girlfriend? They do, that’s why they’re so arrogant. Or haven’t you noticed? Which leads us to point #1.

1. Great dom(mes) know how hard it is to find a good dominant. Which means, unlike a good chunk of society, they don’t have to settle in order to not be single.

They don’t have to do anything. They don’t have to advertise. They don’t have to worry. And they certainly don’t have to go along with the default relationship structure in order to secure a partner (or two or three). They can, if it suits them. But they don’t have to be monogamous.

So, if you’re used to having 99% of guys you meet be monogamous, because, well, for some of them exclusivity and loyalty is all they’ve got, it can be rather shocking to have, say, 60% of guys be monogamous. Or less. And, hey, loyalty is a great quality, of course, but you can shockingly be loyal to more than one person! The great non mono dom(mes) usually have that ability, on top of everything else. And by the way, yes, time does count, which brings us to point #2. 

2. By 40, most of the really amazing dom(mes) have already made connections.

Because, you know, awesome. Honey attracts a lot of….honey. A lot of the best Doms, unsurprisingly, already have fucking mind blowing partners— so why would they abandon all of that for you? 

And if they haven’t found a great partner? Chances are it’s that they don’t want one. Not that they can’t find one. Because, you know, they have relationship skills. Which is part of being a great partner. So they know how to look and where to look. It’s not a lack of fantastic women (or other sex/genders) that’s the problem. There’s LOTS of amazing women for them to date! It’s a matter of selecting the few that are good enough for them.

3. Their logic and emotions often push them to remain non monogamous, against societal push to be monogamous.

One woman says, “I will give you everything. Choose me.” The other says, “I will give you everything, plus you can also find other women who give you everything. Because let’s be honest. I can’t actually give you everything. So whatever I can’t give you, you’ll have to give yourself.”  

Dating is risk. If either of you fall in love with another, the common wisdom is you have to leave the person for the other (or at the very least let an awesome person out of your life). And dating for a dom(me) into physical impact and edge play is already risky. This just introduces further risk.

S/he wants to know his/her submissive will stay with him/her…and there are less reasons for a non monogamous submissive to leave than a monogamous, as the non monogamous does not have to automatically leave if either of them have attraction, affection, or heaven forbid love, for another person. It’s true that the monogamous submissive could transition to non monogamy and not have to leave. But that generally comes with a lot of drama and complications (sorry, but it’s true).

4. Of course there are kinky, monogamous doms who just like monogamy, but are they good enough for you?

Because we like to compare. And if you’re comparing them to the dom with the multiple subs who is secure enough and disciplined enough to actually keep multiple subs loyal to them? That’s a tough comparison. Single mono Doms tend to be younger and therefore more inexperienced with less security to offer. (So do single poly Doms, but, again, if you meet that same Dom later in life, he’s still available, remember!).

The young, single mono dom is unlikely to have comparable financial and emotional security. Have learned how to be a good partner (most people do that after they’re actually with someone, because being in a relationship is always different than theoretically being with someone). They can’t travel, play, bring you to the best and most exciting play parties.  At least not at the same level.

And why wouldn’t you want someone just as good as your poly girlfriend?  Cause you are a good person, pretty, mono girl.  I can see it in you, even on the days that you can’t.

5. Those wanna be doms aren’t good enough for you, are they? 

Standards in the vanilla world are simply not as high as in the kinky world. You can argue that point with me, but I’ve seen what I’ve seen. And it just ruins most guys for most women I know. I’ve seen it happen.  A beautiful, friendly, kinky woman dates this guy that looks like SUCH the catch, but than the woman breaks up with him.  Because he’s “too vanilla.”

Remember, she can only have one lover. She can’t be happy with the sweet vanilla guy, perfect in every way, but will never treat her like the whore she deserves to be.

6. It’s okay to stay monogamous.  It’s just nothing special anymore. 

Being loyal and faithful used to be a big deal (perhaps still is in the vanilla world). But in the kinky world, it’s practically an entry level requirement to get a partner of ANY level of commitment. Now, monogamy is just one option out of many. Not a valuable trait to distinguish one from the cheaters and liars.

It’s okay to find  your Prince Charming the vanilla world, too.  Almost everyone there will be monogamous. But it’s not really that special there, either. Everyone is monogamous, that doesn’t make you stand out.

7. You see, I believe expectations and standards will only go up.

It won’t always be this easy for polyamorous folk, either.  One day society will have changed— again.  That’s what a good society does, progresses.  It won’t be enough for me to just say, “Hey, you can sleep and love other women!” to an amazing, supportive dom— and get any attention.  Because a thousand other women will be saying the same thing to him.  I’ll have to show him I can put in the effort.  I can contribute equally to the relationship.  I can be good to him, and not harsh, nagging, and belittling.  

Being polyamorous, alone, won’t be anything special.  It’s only special now, because it’s rare (comparatively to society, not the kinky community). Just because something is rare doesn’t make it valuable, but it does make it valuable to the person who wants it.  If only one restaurant in a city is gluten free, it’s gonna be the best restaurant in the city to someone with Celiac disease.  That doesn’t mean it even has very good food, of course, but hey, you need to eat, right?

8. I believe our society will continuously evolve to be better, more accepting, more loving, more embracing of our unique differences. 

Society isn’t perfect.  But we’ve evolved to at least say slavery is usually bad and conquering other countries not a great thing.  As someone who has experienced and heard the worst stories of humanity, you can rain on my parade all you like, but I will take comfort in the small victories. 

I love where society is going, and I love how close we are to living in a happy world where people just live and let live.  But you can’t just rely on happiness being provided to you anymore, you’ve gotta create your own.  

….what is your happiness truly worth to you?  Is it worth finding your own path?

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