do you want a D/s relationship?

Sure, why not?

It seems like an easy enough thing. People think you can pick up submissives-  or even dominants- like picking up ice cream from the convenience store.

You can just have a submissive or a dom(me).  Just scan through the ads.  I’ve seen the ads (and, yes, they came from doms and subs alike, both male and female in either category).

Either way, you may have in your head that you just need someone to take care of you, or to care for. Simple, straight forward. There is, of course, always more to it than that!  Consider the following, as a start only!  The rest is up to you!

If you’re wanting to be the D/,

What about you is worthy of submission?

Have you considered why someone ought to submit to you? Or do you merely have a list of demands?

Have you already started getting to know your local community? It’s rare that someone will want to submit to someone who is brand new to the scene. Of course you have to start somewhere, but if you are very new, consider making friends and just getting to know people.

For me, and many, the most successful dynamics come out of existing relationships. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t be honest about your needs and desires, but understand that you often need to build a relationship first- before you even know if this person is the right submissive for you. Consider it a sort of courtship, if you like! Certainly it helps to have familiarity with BDSM in general before pursuing an individual for a D/s relationship.

Do you know some of the different “types” of dominants?

Daddy dom, master, owner, etc? While you needn’t restrict yourself to only one label, it’s good to know the various sorts of labels/dynamics that exist. That way you aren’t limiting yourself to just one stereotype! You can always customize the sort of relationship you and your partner(s) want. But just know what’s out there. For example, you can be a Daddy/Mommy dom without engaging in age play. So an aversion to age play doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong dynamic for you. Also being nurturing is a part of almost any dynamic, even with Sadists. So wanting to be caring towards your submissive doesn’t pigeonhole you into being a Daddy/Mommy dom.

Have you spoken with trusted resources?

Your friends? Community leaders? Online resources are great, but nothing compares to sitting down and chatting with someone. Offer to take them out to coffee or lunch and pick their brain! If you cannot do that, merely observing someone’s dynamic can be helpful, though be cautious. You only know what they are showing you, and likely you’re only seeing the very best of the relationship.

Are you aware of toxic behaviors and red flags?

A submissive can be just as predatory as a dominant. Does the person frequently put down your existing partners or friends? Do they want to isolate you? What kind of people does the submissive surround themselves with? You don’t have to accept just anyone who wants to submit to you, as tempting as it might be.

Do what is best for you long term– and always keep learning!

If you’re wanting to be the /s,

Have you vetted this person as a dominant?

I don’t mean merely asking around. You can get all sorts of conflicting opinions. I mean, have you assessed for yourself? Do you see what kind of dominant personality they have towards others in their lives? What does your gut tell you?

Submission isn’t a contract. If you truly feel unsafe, you can leave. Allow yourself to submit as much or as little as you like as is likely your desire. What sort of submission are you comfortable with?

Are you confident what submission means– to you?

It doesn’t matter what it means to anyone else, if that doesn’t fit you. Most submissives will tell you that this frees them, rather than constrains them. That it makes them feel the most alive and genuine. Does it do the same for you?

Do you want to have a submissive of your own?

Switchiness is perfectly natural in a submissive. You may not personally have an urge to explore a dominant side, but experiencing such does not make you less of a submissive to a partner.

Or do you want another dominant? As in multiple dominants simultaneously?

Okay, not necessarily at the exact same moment in time in the same room.  But how do you feel about being owned by multiple dominants in the same time span?  Many dom(mes) are “all in” types that want you to commit to them as deeply as one would in any monogamous relationship. They want you to be theirs, as they are yours. But many are quite comfortable in balancing between multiple dominants. And at the very least, I am of the opinion any dominant should allow you to explore whatever needs and desires exist within the submissive (and, moreover, encourage them to fully understand their wants and needs, beyond what has previously been understood. A dominant should help their submissive grow.) What sort of symbiotic relationship do you want?

Submission and domination are deep and complex journeys. I wish you all the best in yours!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top