It’s hard for me to believe this some days.
Most days, it feels like, anymore. I want to be good. It’s not very nice to think mean thoughts about another person. It doesn’t matter what they did to you, or to the people you love. It still feels wrong and mean and petty.
I do not want to diminish another’s trauma or abuse, either. That isn’t right. Their feelings matter more than those of their abuser. If I say that everyone deserves love, does that guilt them into forgiving someone they shouldn’t?
But it’s not about that.
I apologize for stumbling like this, but I need to get these words off my chest. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But love…love isn’t about forgetting or ignoring.
Love doesn’t mean that you have to spend time with them. Or that you even can, should you desire that desperately. Love doesn’t mean that you need to do something for them; nor does it mean you must when you have nothing left to give. Love doesn’t mean any of that.
I say everyone deserves love, not because they deserve a certain treatment, but because love is an endless, replenish-able source. The more we give, the more we receive. And no matter what someone has done, they should have that. When they have nothing else, at least they have a little bit of your love.
I cannot make anyone do something they don’t wish to do. I don’t even give love to everyone myself, but I try as much as I can. And to those I cannot love, well, I hope someone else loves them. So they have that, at least.
I only wish to say this:
Everyone does not deserve happiness. You’ve got to earn or make that for yourself.
Everyone does not deserve someone there for them. You’ve got to go looking for them, as much as they have to look for you. Nobody is owed a guardian angel or lover dropped into their lap.
Everyone does not deserve the unconditional commitment of their children, their partner, their family. If you fuck up badly enough, nobody owes you unconditional anything.