if they say they are the -only- one for you, they might also be the very worst for you

Do you know this song?

“I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you/And I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you”

I’d like to believe that if I ever met that woman that she’d be the only one who could ever be that, oh, so attractive, psycho b*tch ex for me. Truly. The only one that would set herself afire for me. Would lose herself entirely for me. But the truth is there’s probably at least two. Law of numbers.

And for everything else that isn’t flaming psycho ex girlfriend? There’s absolutely someone else.

Perhaps, for the time being, they are the -only- one for you. For that particular need. I think of my own experiences. Perhaps we are the only ones for each other for something or other. Girlfriends, or play partners, or rope partners (well, not for me, but for someone else).

I don’t mind trusting you to mostly satisfy a piece (or several pieces) of me. All I ask is that you don’t try to push me into believing you are the only one, ever, who will be able to satisfy this particular longing in me. Because it’s not true.

You are not, in fact, the only one who can spank me and tie me up. You are not the only one who will ever love me.

They pass our lives, from time to time. The lover who says they are the only one who could ever understand you. The friend who doesn’t think other friends are good enough for you. The mother who says she’s the only one who could ever love her children, her little “mini mes.” I know how young it starts. How easy it is to fall into believing when someone says that to you.

It makes you feel special, doesn’t it? How if they are the only one for you, perhaps you are the only one for them? The perfect match. Until you find out you aren’t, sometimes oh so painfully. I know how that can feel…

But there’s no such thing as a soul mate.

At least not in the traditional sense. There may be someone- in fact I’d guarantee there is- who connects to your soul. I’d even venture to say there are many such people out there. For each and every one of us. I’ve met several in my lifetime, and I haven’t lived that long. Nor am I more special than anyone else. Sure, I know some things better than many, but we all have our special knowledge.

Perhaps you meet someone who has their own expertise. That is wonderful. Lucky for you, too! But they are never, ever the only ones who know something. And you should never learn about something from only one person.

But what about your master? Isn’t he the only one that owns you? How are you any different?

Okay, fair. There is that. It’s true he owns me. He is the only one allowed to do certain acts with me. It’s also true that nobody else has offered or demonstrated their ability to do a quarter of what he does for me.

But even he will be the first to tell me that another could do that with me. He isn’t my master, because nobody else could ever fulfill that for me; I choose to only allow him to be that for me. And He trusts me enough to make that decision for myself and to place my trust in him. Maybe this will change in the future, but for now? I can trust him. And I don’t see that ever changing, but I can’t see the future.

Also, to be clear, he sometimes tells me, “I’m the only one for you,” in play– but that is play. Also, I want him to own me.  Also, I know the context in which he means it.  Basically, there’s a lot going on.

Yes, you are special. Yes, they are special.

But nobody is so special that their knowledge, their relationship is unique and irreplaceable (and thank God for that!). Anyone who tries to make you feel otherwise? Who makes you feel like if you lost them, you’d lose that entire aspect of your being/that role/etc? Well, that’s plain and flat out abuse. It may not make them a bad person, it may not be who they are. But in the moment of them doing that behavior? It’s an abusive tactic. Abusers use isolation to control you, to prevent you from learning that someone else could treat you better. Or to stop another from having any influence over you or help you grow away from them. So, if someone is treating you this way, please leave. You don’t have to put up with that. And if you are the one doing this, please stop.

Anyway, back to the subject, it’s easy to lose yourself in someone else. It might be fun, even, in the moment. Losing yourself in another. But, please, please, please be careful when some domly dom(me) or rope “expert” tells you they are the only one who can tell you about D/s! Or if you’ve just entered the community and the first person you meet says, “[XYZ] community is toxic. You should trust me,” without telling you to check things out with others in said community. If someone, anyone, tells you their way of practicing a certain kink or relationship style is the one twue way, well…

Trust, but verify.

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