poly? kinky? relationships are just relationships: my vanilla manifesto

I found a pretty solid “how to do vanilla romance.” I modified it every so slightly– and it worked for polyamorous relationships, too! So this is also my Polyamorous Manifesto. This guideline includes no reference to anything kinky; no swinging, spanking, anal sex– “But none of that is kinky!” you interrupt. To which I politely respond, “Maybe, but I am just being extra cautious to not introduce even the tiniest sprinkling of kinkiness, just bear with me, please.”

Ahem.  Without further ado,

The Kitty Presents:

My Vanilla Manifesto, or How To Not Be A Jerk

(modified from the original by @JessOnTheRocks, thanks for letting me use this!)

So what I do know is that good poly, woke poly, relationships requires a few things.

  1. You have to be ethically non monogamous. First and foremost. No “ask forgiveness instead of permission” people. If you’re [an]adult enough to have multiple partners, you’re adult enough to have the difficult conversations.
  2. And because of that, I prefer dating/seeing/playing with people who already have other partners. [aren’t lone sociopaths/potential serial killers who have no other people in their lives of any significance.]  Or who are currently single but on the same page. Those kind of people are better for me.


  1. If you already have [a best friend/siblings/children/insert other valid and important person in your life that maybe you aren’t dating but you make feel special and loved] a partner, especially if you normally date more than one person, you know what commitment is.
  2. You know about life [because you’re a parent/the person that manages all your family events/the friend that arranges every bachelorette party] and how it can affect your relationships at a moment’s notice.
  3. You know what scheduling means, and conflicts [because you’re a parent/the person that manages all your family events/the friend that arranges every bachelorette party].
  4. [You] recognize you have a life too and respect your limitations.
  5. [You] aren’t relying on [me] to be [your] everything.
  6. [You] look at all the other relationships as additions, not competitions, Metamours [People you care about] can become [my] friends and family.
  7. I don’t need all your time, I want some of it, and I recognize the importance of respecting your other partners [that you might have something, or someone(s), in your life that is as important, or more important, than me].
  8. People who are committed to practicing polyamory ethically [healthy relationships] don’t bother with lies and secrets. They are adults who have learned the value of communication.
  9. They do not seek to destroy that which exists, they hope to add to your life.

The latter is added by yours truly!


  1. I want relationships that respect my autonomy. Allow me the freedom to explore, and don’t make me feel bad for wanting to.

P.S. I am assuming the woman would have included the last, if she had thought of it, but I wanted to add that for myself. Still, I don’t think it conflicts with any of the above standards.

P.PS. Am I absolutely crazy for thinking this way?  

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top