Have you seen a movie about two people don’t know how to talk to each other, so instead they just have a whole movie? As in, if the two people talked for thirty honest minutes, there wouldn’t even be a movie, because the whole plot is based on a stupid misunderstanding. There’s only about a million of them.
I suppose it’s relatable, because communication isn’t the easiest thing to do. Especially when it’s a hard topic like, “I want to see other people, too. Is that okay?”
I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for nearly 15 years, but I recently took on a new challenge that even tested me— dating long distance while integrating two new relationships. And, yes, it wasn’t easy for me, either.
Truth be told, I didn’t expect the one to go anywhere. I thought my partner was having a fun fling. That’s what he thought she wanted. “I’m too old for her,” he said, “she’ll probably get bored of me, soon.” I didn’t think I needed to worry about explaining the whole poly thing—at least not in detail like I normally would. Plus, we were moving out of state in the next few months. No point getting too involved…right? I’d get to know her, in due time, as one of master’s friends. That seemed fair. I wasn’t sure what she knew about me, except that I had been with him a very long time. But I didn’t need to be involved yet, right? She knew I existed, I knew she existed. And we’d probably meet soon enough. That’s all that mattered.
After all, you don’t need to know all a romantic partner’s friends and family in any other relationship. I wasn’t going to treat her differently, just because it was romantic. She was his friend, whatever they did together. She had nothing to do with me, and it wasn’t my business what they did (I could do this, because I already had perfect faith and trust in my partner not to do anything that would make me uncomfortable or violate our agreements.)
Then it turns out she also plays Animal Crossing. Who knew my partner had a thing for cute, nerdy girls? Turns out, too, that she likes us…and we like her. A lot more than any of us planned on. Life is funny that way, but also amazing.
So maybe it’s a little late to get started with the “getting to know you” phase. So maybe we haven’t structured out how communication looks. So what? It’s not too late. Better late than never…but better sooner than later, too. It’s about time for one of The Conversations.
I hope to sort out communication expectations for A+B, A+C, B+C. and A+B+C relationships in a timely manner. With three people, you have four relationships. There’s some mathematical term for how that works (when you have four people, five people, etc., how many combinations can you make?). Anyway, that’s a lot of relationships and a lot of talking. So, there’s that. Here are a few questions swirling through my head at the moment:
- What do we share regarding crushes, dates, and potential and developing relationships with other people?
- How often does everyone want a touch point/conversation?
- Is anything off limits, especially with what we tell one partner when the other is not present?
- What do we share with other friends and family?
- What are our core agreements, and are we all onboard with them?
Wish me luck!