I’ve said before I don’t believe in one twue ways. It’s more accurate to say I believe in many twue ways.
The perfect Twue Way for You.
I like to bake.
One day, you ask me to bake you a cake. Just “a cake.” Oooookay. I mean, I’ll do it quite happily. But forgive me for thinking that’s a bit of an open ended request.
I arrive at your birthday party with an ice cream cake, or a lemon cake, or even a stack of brownies in a cake-like shape. Depends on what I’m feeling. Chocolate, strawberry, white, yellow, confetti…it’s all good. I’m a lover of any cake, though I do have my favorites for my own consumption.
But I think we can all agree I failed if I show up on your doorstep with an organic vegetable loaf.
But maybe you are more particular about what cake means to you.
Which is absolutely acceptable. Just because you are more limited in what kinds of cake work for you, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Red velvet cake is delicous to many of us, but not if you have an allergy to red food dye.
You can like any sort of cake you like, in any fashion you like. I promise you that it’s okay. There is no wrong kind of cake to like. There may be more “impossible” cakes that you are unlikely to get quite right in a thousand years; but if you have the patience? No need to eat a cake that isn’t satisfying, when, after all, cakes are a luxury and an excess. Wonderful, but not necessary to live.
But sometime problems arise when you want a certain kind of cake– but you put in all the “wrong” ingredients.
You see, cakes are rather dependent on the ingredients you put in them. You may not notice if someone substitutes maple syrup for vanilla extract (depending on the recipe). But you are less likely to be fooled if they put in cocoa powder and you wanted lemon cake. Recipes exist for a reason, though they may be toyed around with, of course. Most recipes are something of a guideline.
Within reason. You see, if you want chocolate cake, you don’t make it with lemons. And you certainly don’t do so– and then scream HOW YOUR CAKE ISN’T RIGHT AT ALL AND WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR. Maybe try using cocoa instead of citrus?
Same with Relationships.
If you want a Relationship to be a certain kind of Relationship, you do have to do Some Things Right. Or else you run into a series of struggles, disappointments, and heartbreaks (which are inevitable, to some degree, but that isn’t what you want your whole life to be, is it?)
Want that perfect submissive girlfriend? Mass messaging women on Fetlife is not really the best way to go about it. I mean, sure, if you bake a cake at 10 degrees F, it’ll probably eventually bake into a cake….and if you message ten thousand women, maybe one will get back to you and turn into your ideal girlfriend. It could happen.
If you think you’re just guaranteed for the recipe to turn out right, with no concern with what you throw into the batter, well, good luck with that.
The possibilities are endless—
–but the paths that will lead you to YOUR perfect cake might not be.
Of course there are slight variations that won’t make much of a difference. Add a spice or bake it a few minutes more or less. Substitute a couple of ingredients. Cake baking is an art, not a science. Art doesn’t have only way to be art.
But if I dump a bucket of water on a piece of paper, do you think it’ll magically turn into a gorgeous Monet-esque watercolor? It is no different with cakes or relationships. Certain…choices have a greater or lesser chance of resulting in a desired outcome.
I don’t care about what kind of cake you want. I don’t care what kind of cake you have. But you probably care…
And so I hope you think about the path you are creating. The recipe you are following. What is it you want? What is it that you are doing to get what you want? Are the two in alignment? Do they -generally- work for those who try that method? Or do they -generally- fail?
For what it’s worth, it’s okay to criticize how I make my cake. In a respectful manner. It’s okay to gently point out, “Hey, maybe you should try doing it a little differently? What about doing this technique?” You’re not screaming, “Don’t eat that cake, it’s disgusting!” You’re merely using your own experience to help me create my own, perfect cake.
Oh, relationships are far from perfect!
Still, I think it would be amazing if we all worked together to improve the recipes and got as close as possible to our vision of perfection in our confections.
Because, sure, sometimes you follow the recipe and you forget something. Or the oven is a little different than the one you used before. Or it just doesn’t work for whatever reason. Especially when you use human emotions, behaviors, and desires for your ingredients. It’s impossible to predict the outcome, every single time.
BUT.
We can stop just relying on hope, thoughts, and prayers to make ourselves happy in our romantic relationships– and, well, if icing hits the fan, that’s just inevitable. Nothing we can do to try better next time, right?
Or maybe not. Maybe we can do something. If we claim that Romance is The Most Important Thing In Life, maybe we should actually do some training towards it. We wouldn’t go to a doctor with no education, or even let a handyman come bust up our kitchen without training. But we’ll let them bust up our hearts with nothing but good intentions and a charming smile?
Relationships may be best that grow organically, so they often say. But even even a seed needs to be watered, or it will stay in the ground as a seed forever.
I just don’t see Doing Nothing But Waiting working out particularly well for more than a handful of us.
Which means we need to try Something.
By the way, I happen to know a lot of cake recipes (and far more than just the Romantic Primary Partner recipe, which, in case you’re curious, I know how to layer…)
I may never be able to build a computer from scratch; or confidently add to twenty one (despite working as a blackjack dealer); or remember which year we fought the War of 1912.
Baking cakes, though? Kind of my thing. If you ever want something in particular, please do feel free to reach out to me! I might know the perfect recipe.